Shmoopin’ the Bible...Luke
Hello and welcome to another edition of Shmoopin’ the Bible. I’m Cecil B. DeShmoop, and I
proudly display my religious studies degree next to all the priceless artwork I’ve been [Certificate from 'Holy Moly University]
able to buy because of it. [Empty picture frames on the wall]
Anyway. Today, we’re going to tackle the Gospel according to Luke.
Who was Luke?
He was a Jedi…like his father before him… [Luke holding a light saber]
Alright. Wrong Luke. Come on people. [Cecil takes off a Darth Vader mask]
Well, from historical context and writings, we know that Biblical Luke wasn’t a witness [Luke waving]
to Jesus’ life and actions, but he did have eyewitness accounts and secondary reports [Luke holding a picture of Jesus]
to help him out.
But don’t feel too bad for Luke—sure, he was late to the party, but he threw a great [Luke turns up when the cleaner is there]
Cinco de Mayo bash every year, which more than made up for missing all the cool Jesus [Luke wearing a sombrero]
stuff.
Another thing to keep in mind about Luke’s gospel is that it places a huge emphasis on [Luke writing sat under a tree]
social justice a.k.a. helping the poor, the sick, and basically anyone who could use some [Luke helping people and wearing a cape]
help…which is why Luke donated all leftover guacamole after every party. [Luke moving boxes of guacamole]
Oh, and the gospel also states that people with lots of money and possessions should just
give them away. I’m guessing aside from his sombreros and piñatas, Luke lead a pretty [People taking things from Luke's house, he rushes over to save his Cinco stuff box]
simple life. So Luke begins his gospel with an in-depth
look at the conception and birth of Jesus and his cousin John, who later grows up to [Luke filming the birth of Jesus then a censored screen appears]
be John the Baptist. Would be kind cool to have a middle name 'the'. [John lifts Tony the Tiger out of the river]
Luke specifically mentions how Mary, Jesus’ mother, became pregnant without ever having
sex.
Basically, the angel Gabriel is like, “Hey, Mary. How’s it going, good weather we’ve [The angel flies down]
been having, hope all is well. Oh, by the way, the Holy Spirit is going to come upon
you, and you’re going to wind up pregnant, hope you didn’t have plans for the next
nine months. Enjoy the nice weather! Love, Gabriel.” [Gabriel jumps away]
Pretty intense, yeah, but Gabey included some coupons from coupons.com for Pampers, so all in all, not a [Gabriel throws coupons all over Mary]
bad deal.
Nine months later, Jesus is born in a manger in Bethlehem. Allegedly, his first words were, [People gathered round Jesus with drummer playing]
“can someone please shut that little drummer boy up?”
That was just allegedly, come on people. [Jesus sticks his head up and drummer stops playing]
But you try playing the drums around an infant and see how well it goes over. [Cecil playing the drums next a baby in a pram]
And since there’s only so long we can watch a video about a baby, I’m going to flash
forward to Jesus’ adult years. [The scene fast forwards and everyone leaves Jesus with Mary]
If you feel cheated by this, well go watch a baby for a while. You’ll understand my decision [Someone watching 'The Baby Channel']
after about ten minutes. So Jesus is baptized by his cousin, John the [Jesus and John stood in a river]
Baptist. John’s like, “why does everybody keep asking me to do this…” [John pushes Jesus into the river]
After this, Jesus celebrates his baptism just like everyone does: he goes into the desert [Jesus then pushes John into the river]
and wrestles with the devil for forty days. [Jesus puts on a wrestling mask and jumps into the ring with the devil]
…Okay, maybe not everyone. I went to Applebee’s, but one could say I wrestled with the devil
later that night…in the bathroom… [Cecil sat on the toilet reading a magazine]
After winning his metaphorical wrestling match and not succumbing to temptation and the devil, [Jesus holding up the wrestling belt]
Jesus begins touring the countryside, teaching, gathering followers along the way, kind like Forest Gump there.. [Jesus leading a crowd of people]
and selling out Staples Center two nights in a row. [Two women wearing Jesus shirts]
He also spends time casting out demons and healing people with various physical ailments, [Jesus healing someone in a street]
though I’m pretty sure he saved that one for his encore. [Girls waving their arms in excitement]
Word starts to spread, and to be fair, that’s bound to happen when you’re giving the gift
of sight to blind people, healing lepers, and you know all that kind of stuff. You can’t exactly say, “hey, keep [Eyes appear on a blind man]
this whole, “miracle” thing on the D.L., ‘kay?”
The highbrow Jewish scribes and priests are less than impressed with Jesus’ work, but [People spying on Jesus]
he keeps doing his thing, part of which includes spending time with both the poor and the sinners.
The scribes are like, “why are you spending time with these people, they’re kind of [The scribes talking to Jesus]
gross…”
And Jesus is like, “it is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who [Jesus rising into the air while he is talking]
are sick.” And the scribes are like, “….huh?” and Jesus is all, “I’m trying to get them
to repent, and I like analogies. C’mon, guys…” [Jesus holding his arm up]
So Jesus and his twelve apostles keep on spreading the word of God, healing people, and exorcizing [Jesus game where he is kicking demons off the screen]
demons. Sounds like a real life video game.
At some point they ascend a mountain to pray, and Moses and Elijah come down from heaven ['Unlocked Moses and Elijah' screen appears on the game]
to chill with Jesus, eat some guac, and see how he’s doing.
Jesus is like, “doing great, been talking about earthly goods and heavenly rewards, [Moses, Jesus and Elijah sat around a fire]
and how you can’t really get into heaven if you’re hoarding treasure down there…I’m
also trying the whole vegan thing out!”
Some wealthy politician catches wind of what Jesus has been saying, and is like, “going [Guy holding a diamond]
vegan is tough. Also, how hard is it to get into heaven if you’re hoarding earthly treasure?” [Guy talking in front of huge piles of coins and treasure]
Jesus is like, “think of it this way: it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye
of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven.” [Camel backing away from a syringe]
Presumably the wealthy politician immediately set forth to find a willing camel to participate [God slams the door on the rich man]
in the needle thing.
We promise, no camels were harmed in the making of this video. [Man chasing after a camel with a net]
Unfortunately, all this teaching and miracle working is making the Jewish higher-ups pretty [Jesus glowing]
unhappy.
Luckily for the high priests, this guy named Judas is willing to help them. You may remember [High priests watching Jesus from above and a thunder storm starts]
him as one of Jesus’ twelve most faithful friends.
Hopefully Jesus asked for his “best friend forever” necklace back. [Judas holding on to the necklace]
Jesus is arrested and handed over to the Roman prefect who has authority in the situation—Pontius
Pilate. Pilate doesn’t think Jesus is guilty of anything, and he’s [Pilate scratching his head]
like, “guys, no. This is actually crazy,” but the crowd demands his death, and sometimes
they can be so pushy.
Pilate is like, “do what you gotta do,” and Jesus is forced to carry his own cross [Crowd shouting for Jesus to be killed]
to the site of his crucifixion.
Really hope he asked for the BFF necklace back… [Judas giving the necklace back to Jesus]
After his death, Jesus is placed in a tomb, and a stone is placed in front. [Jesus lying in the tomb]
Three days later, Mary Magdalene, Jesus’ mother Mary, and another woman named Joanna, [The three women walking to the tomb]
head to the tomb to prepare Jesus’ body for burial, only to find that the stone has
been rolled away. [The tomb is empty]
Instead they find some angels wearing robes that flash lightning bolts, which is actually
what I wanted to wear today, but my wife said the dry cleaner lost it…what a shame. [Cecil's wife putting the costume in the bin]
They tell the women that Jesus has risen, just as he foretold. And this is also known as [The angles speaking to the women]
the biggest “I told you so” in history.
The women spread the word, and pretty soon Jesus appears to some men on the road to Emmaus. [Jesus pops up and scares the men]
He also shows up and hangs with the apostles for a bit to eat some guac [Jesus holding a box of guac]
and watch the game.
After that Jesus rises into Heaven, and the book of Luke comes to an end, because…seriously, [Jesus rising to the sky]
like how do you top that?
Join me next time for our last gospel. Until then, I’m Cecil B. DeShmoop, and I’m going
on Amazon to replace my lightening robe. [His wife threatens to burn the computer]