Hey everyone.
This is Jack and Clayton.
And this video is about how to stop attracting narcissists.
Now this word gets bandied around a lot.
It does.
Right.
And we just want to start this video by saying if you've been involved in any kind of narcissistic
abuse, its common.
Its widespread and it's horrible.
And so, nothing that we're saying here is in any way about a sort of exonerating or
honoring narcissist.
We're just saying there might be some things that you can do on your side of the fence
that make you less susceptible; even if it's marginally less acceptable.
And that is the intent of this video.
Totally.
And I want to just throw in there that I've had a couple mentors in the past [and] in
the therapeutic field who have said things like 4 out of 5, people that come to them
with relationship problems whether they're healing from a relationship, whether they're
really confused in a relationship, it's actually the result of borderline and narcissistic
abuse.
And it might actually be that the person doesn't know really what's going on because it can
be so confusing to be in the field of somebody that is a narcissist for an extended period
of time, but it turns you upside down.
And it can really have you questioning which way is up and which way is down.
And what to do from there, so again the purpose of this video is to help move the needle a
bit.
And by the way, I think we're also holding like you know we're not diagnostic experts
for narcissism.
And we're holding that there’s probably a spectrum here and also given the statistic
you just mentioned that there's probably some element of this that you may come up against
in your dating even if it's as someone occasionally has some or somewhere on that spectrum of
tendency towards being narcissistic.
So kind of pay attention because it would be unlikely that this one either have affected
you or may affect you at some point.
Absolutely.
So what I'd love to do is when we get into the actual three ways in which you can totally
protect yourself and inoculate yourself these things from occurring.
So what would be the first step?
Well, I think the first step is about recognizing in yourself any places that you have poor
boundaries or any places that you might be susceptible to co-dependence.
A co-dependence is kind of its own topic other than we're gonna kind of break that out too
much here and it's also its own thing that you know might need to be in your own kind
of healing and getting you the right kind of support around.
But the essence of this is noticing if you have a tendency to feel responsible for other
people's feelings.
And there's a difference between being available for someone's feelings and then being responsible
for them.
Like you don't have to fix or solve someone else's feelings.
It's not your fault.
You're not going into an orientation of blame or guilt around what someone else is feeling.
Yes.
Because that's a way in, if you feel that you are somehow responsible and open to feeling
guilty for some of the way someone else feels, that's a point where you can be manipulated.
So, if you identify yourself as a fix or a healer or someone who's trying to save somebody
that you're dating, you see the deep potential in them and you think that you can love them
in a way that nobody else can and finally get through to them, that's a clear red flag
to really slow down and get present to what is the game that is beginning to unfold and
bring a little bit more consciousness to it and just slow down.
Totally.
Yes.
So, kind of going into point number two, what are the things that can make, what Clayton
was talking about, difficult and slowing down is the tendency on the front-end of getting
into relationship with the narcissist is their tendency the love-bomb.
By which we mean the way that they may pour and lavish attention and do things on you.
And you may have the experience early in a relationship with a narcissist that actually
it feels really good.
The most amazing thing you’d ever felt.
Right.
It’s the best thing you've ever felt in love like finally I found the kind of love
that I wanted.
So, the invitation here is to begin to identify the fantasy or the story that you might be
wrapped in around what you think this kind of divine or pure love is going to look like
with somebody.
And begin to wake up to that, wake up from that fantasy so you can be more in contact
and relationship with the reality of what's happening right rather than your story.
Because when they're sleeping when you're in love with the fantasy of what this thing
could turn into and you get all of these chemicals flowing through you and it can be disorienting.
And it can have you make decisions from a place where you're not fully grounded.
And so the invitation is that when you start to feel those things because falling in love
is it's a beautiful thing and it can feel like you're going out of control is to slow
down; is to slow down and find yourself and continue to come back to yourself connect
with yourself which is actually a point that you'll make here in a moment around.
Totally.
That's a great segue.
So, point three and of how to stop attracting narcissist is actually about being with yourself
and noticing, when you come into contact with someone, if we were gonna assign percentages
to the balance of attention how much are you over there with them and how much you back
here with you?
And by the way this is great practice for any of us, you know even outside of the realm
of narcissism, is just to really pay attention and notice how much should we with ourselves
when we're in the presence of other people?
How much should we with ourselves when we're in the presence of no one?
Like can we fully be with ourselves our own feelings, our own desires, our own boundaries,
our own opinions, our own preferences?
Like how much do you know the particularity of yourself?
And what it is that you really want?
And this stops you from being a chameleon in any relationship to the narcissists because
there's a video that we created a little while back called the 7 Archetypes that Attract
and Sabotage Love where one of the roles is a Chameleon.
And if you feel like you are shape-shifting to become whatever the other person needs,
you're actually open to attracting a narcissist.
Because if you think about what is the reciprocal of the chameleon and it's someone that has
perhaps such a strong sense of self that they're okay with everything being about them all
the time.
And so as you do what Jack is saying here, is you become more in touch with your wants,
your needs, your boundaries holding true to those you become less susceptible and less
active to the narcissist.
Yes.
This is the basic idea that runs through a lot of our work which is that in order to
keep a certain dynamic in place, there's a kind of reciprocal role or participation that's
required.
So, we're saying the more that you are fully in your power, it's not impossible that you
might attract a narcissist, we're just saying is less likely because there’s kind of less
of a site for that person to kind of fixate order to kind of solve a problem in your life.
There's no real place for them to easily find themselves in the narcissist dynamic.
Anyway enough about me, what do you think…
Yes.
Let me just go ahead and just turn the camera on Jack right now.
So, if you found anything that we were saying intriguing, and it seems helpful, and you'd
like to continue on this path of self-discovery and becoming the best version of yourself
that can attract an equal partner that sees you – a partner that you can see them and
really support each other with mutuality and ability and challenge each other, we want
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We've had rave reviews.
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Absolutely.
Alright.
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