-[ Sniffing ]
You smell that? W-What is that?
-I don't know. -What is --
[ Sniffs ] It smells like smoke. What is it?
It's a Ginsburn.
♪♪
-As President Donald Trump
is now in charge of Supreme Court appointments,
which many predict will lead to a conservative majority
for decades to come, here to comment
is liberal justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
-Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
RBG in the house, baby!
I'm never gonna step down now. You can't get rid of me!
Ya-ya-ya.
-But Justice Ginsburg, I think everyone
expected you to retire soon. I mean, you're 83.
-Yeah, you're damn right, I was gonna retire. Ugh.
Clinton was gonna win.
I was going straight to the Dominican Republic.
Even though last time I was there
they thought I was a Zika mosquito.
But not now. Not now.
Now I got to stay alive and healthy, damn it.
Give me my thing. Excuse me.
Got to take my vitamins. -Yeah.
Oh, my God. That's...
[ Laughter ]
That's a packet...
It looks good. Looks good.
-You're supposed to put it in water for a reason.
-Yeah, I know. Yeah.
You got a little kind of all over...
-I'm dealin' with it! -All right...
So you have no plans to leave the Supreme Court?
-Colin, the bench is now my porch.
I'm gonna sit on it all day and scream,
"No! Get out of my yard!"
-But come on. Realistically,
how long do you think you can hold on?
-Oh, forever, Colin.
I'm eatin' a apple a day to keep Ben Carson away.
And by "apple," I mean pure human growth hormone, of course.
And if that doesn't work, I've hidden horcruxes
in all the Talbots in the D.C. Metro area.
-Now, people are also worried about...
All these people Trump is choosing for his cabinet --
Newt Gingrich, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani.
-Ugh. Oh, no. Stop it. It's too much, Colin.
Is that ghoul Giuliani really gonna be our attorney general?
Although, if I want to live forever,
maybe I should just let him bite me.
Speaking of bitin' me, Giuliani, uh, ya just got Ginsburned.
♪♪
-Crazy on Emergen-C right now. -Yeah.
Now, what do you think Trump does next?
-Oh, whatever he wants,
thanks to half the country that didn't even vote.
You know, I regretted my comments about Colin Kaepernick,
but then this week he said he didn't vote,
so I guess this guy takes a knee on everything.
And that's a hot Ginsburn.
♪♪
-Oh, my God. You know, there are some people
like Michael Moore, too, who say that Trump
might get impeached before his four years are even over.
-Oh, great. And then we'll get Pence --
the "gay people can't get a pizza" guy. Awesome.
Even though -- I'm sorry.
To me, he kind of looks like the neighbor
who kisses Kevin Spacey in "American Beauty."
I'm sorry.
Hey, Mike Pence, sorry you looked at Magnum P.I. once
and got a quarter-chub
and you've been haunted by it ever since.
And that's a gay Ginsburn.
♪♪
-So, Justice... -It might not be just Emergen-C.
[ Laughter ]
-Is there anything that can be done, do you think?
-Yeah, yeah, of course.
Obama can confirm Merrick Garland tomorrow.
And, that way, I can finally leave D.C.,
get this little beach house in Aruba
I've had my eye on.
Mm! I just need the hermit crab inside it to die,
and I'm in, baby!
And that's not a Ginsburn. That's a sunburn.
-Wow.
♪♪
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everyone!
The Supreme Court is also back in session this week
with new Trump-appointed justice Neil Gorsuch.
Here to comment is liberal justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
-Oh, wah-wah-wah-wah, wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let me at 'em. Let me at 'em.
Put 'em up. P-Put 'em uuuuup.
[ Laughter ]
-You are coming in swinging, Justice.
-Colin, no, I can't go on the swing.
I'm too tiny.
Last time I went on a swing, I ended up in space!
-Okay. Okay. All right.
Justice, what do you think
of your new colleague, Neil Gorsuch?
-Ugh! This new guy -- Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.
If I knew he was coming in so hot, I would have worn
an oven mitt, which is what I use as a sleeping bag.
But I-I-I will say, Colin,
it's nice to have nine justices again,
because for the last year, you know, we've been a hung jury --
except for Justice Alito.
That guy legislates from the bench,
but he measures from the balls.
That's a Ginsburn. Whoop!
♪♪
-All right. All right. Justice, well, you might not --
[ Laughter ]
You might not have a full bench for long,
'cause Justice Kennedy says he's considering retiring.
Are you worried about that?
-Yeah, of course I am! Ay, yi, yi.
I can't wait to see the goon Trump brings in next.
The Honorable Justice Steven Seagal?
Kennedy was supposed to be our swing vote, right?
If he goes, it's gonna be Justice Roberts.
And if he's swinging, I'm taking my keys out of the bowl.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sniffing ]
You smell that? W-What is that?
-I don't know. -What is --
[ Sniffs ] It smells like smoke. What is it?
It's a Ginsburn.
♪♪
-Yeah. Right. Yes. Yeah.
And Kennedy -- Kennedy could be the decisive vote
in this big new gerrymandering decision, right?
-Yeah, the ger-- Ah, gerrymandering!
Thank you for saying "gerrymandering."
Look at this! Look at this! Gerrymandered districts.
Look at the way the politicians redrew these maps.
That's not a district. That's a tapeworm.
[ Laughter ]
They snip. They snip a little here, a little there.
Hello! We see what you're doing!
It's like they're at a cocktail party.
They're taking all the shrimp.
And all the Democrats are left with is the sweaty cheddar.
By the way, "Sweaty Cheddar"
is what they called Steve Bannon in college.
Ouch!
That's a nasty Ginsburn.
♪♪
-Wow! You blew your own glasses off. That's amazing.
-At my age...
[ Laughter ] -Well, it does seem --
It seems like you're in good spirits, Justice.
-I got to be, Colin.
A Supreme Court Justice is the only job where people
openly place bets on when you're gonna croak.
Well, joke's on you. I made a deal with our female God
that I would trade height for years.
So by 2095, I'm gonna be the size of a Playmobil,
but I'll still be kicking ass and taking Boniva.
[ Clicks tongue ]
-So you are still determined to stay and fight?
-Yeah. Well, who else is gonna do it?
I-It's always the women, okay?
It just goes with the territory when you got yabos.
Or, in my case, two little oxygen masks
like they got on airplanes.
They look empty, and they only drop down in an emergency.
That's a self-Ginsburn. Hello!
-Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everyone!
Here now to comment on the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh
is current justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, Justice.
-Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, my kittens.
♪ I'm never gonna give you up ♪
♪ Never gonna let you down ♪
♪ Never gonna turn around and retire ♪
-So, what did you think of these Kavanaugh hearings?
-Oh, my gosh. Colin, the guy was going nuts.
Crying and yelling and ralphing and boofing.
Seriously. He thinks his confirmation hearing was unfair?
My confirmation hearing was,
they threw me in a river to see if I'd float.
And I did. I floated on top like a little water bug.
Plus you got -- you got Lindsey "Lohan" Graham out there,
gettin' all messy like we're at party in Mykonos.
Yikes. Hey, Lindsey, are you Herbie?
Because you looked fully loaded. That's a Ginsburn!
♪♪
-So, Justice, what to you think is going to happen now?
-Let's be real, Colin.
The guys' probably gonna get confirmed. Okay.
And now the Republicans,
they want to do a whole FBI investigation
so they can go ahead and vote yes anyway?
Hey, Jeff Flake, you can borrow a pair of my panties
since you're so concerned about covering your own ass.
That's a Ginsburn.
♪♪
-You got energy. You got energy. -Yeah, I got a little bit.
I'm fine.
-Yeah. What'd you think about Kavanaugh's calendar?
-Oh, yeah.
You mean the portrait of the judge as a young D-bag?
Spellbinding.
Hey, you want to see my calendar from, uh, July 1982?
-Yeah, sure. -This ought to be fun.
Look at this. Turn 100.
Break glass ceiling.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on. Stop. Shut up. We're all doing it.
Do laps in a bird bath.
That's fun. Now, here's my calendar from today.
Don't die. That's it. That's all I got to do.
-That's great. -I've been alive so long,
I'm restarting my life cycle, Colin, like a cicada.
I'm going through puberty again.
I got all sorts of feelings about "Riverdale."
-"Riverdale"? -Yes.
That Cole Sprouse is lookin' like a snack to me.
Whew!
Hey, Jughead, why don't you come over
and put your head on my jugs?
And check out my heart murmur while you're that.
That's a slow Ginsburn. What.
♪♪
-Okay. Okay. Okay.
[ Laughter ]
How -- How do you feel, then,
about potentially sharing the bench with Justice Kavanaugh?
-Oh, I'm thrilled. We're gonna be very welcoming.
Guy likes drinking games so much,
we got one planned for him.
It's called quarters.
That's when me and Sotomayor put a roll of quarters in a sock
and beat the hell out of him.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Come on.
I would never be able to lift a roll of quarters.
That's a self-Ginsburn.
-Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everyone.
♪♪