- We're back. Welcome to Keith. Kelsey's here.
Today we're playing The Sims again.
I'm making myself, finally.
Wow, I never even think about ... I'm making myself.
You know, everyday in life you're making yourself,
but today I'm like actually making myself
into the man I wanna be.
(funky pop music)
- This our town now?
- Yeah, this is where you live now.
- I don't live in the desert anymore.
- No.
- Hey, look. It's Eugene, everybody.
Hey look, everybody. Breathe it in.
People probably made me on the internet, right?
- Yeah. - Let's browse. There's one.
- That's you!
- There's one. I am the fifth most popular
Keith on the Sims. Three. Four. Five. Six.
Tasmaklejaca1. Rolls off the tongue.
This is good. It's the exact stubble I have right now.
The winner of the Keith contest that was not started
officially until now is Tasmaklejaca1.
Congratulations. You will be getting a free
shirt in the mail courtesy of Kelsey Impicciche.
She can't wait to send it to you.
She loves sending gifts to my fans.
Let's tear this face apart.
We need big lips. Perfect.
I wish I was a Kardashian. They seem to have it all.
Here's the thing about my chin.
This side goes lower than this side.
- Wait, yeah.
- People aren't perfect. Not even me.
- Why is this, the bottom of his face, red
like he's been rubbing paper towels on his jaw?
Ooh, he got way sexier after he got
that paper towel rash out of there.
- I want my lips to be bigger. Bigger. Bigger.
- Yeah.
(Keith laughing)
- Let's put some glasses on this guy.
I think that's what's messing us up here.
I think we need just a framework.
(Kelsey laughing)
- This guy is so hot.
I have beautiful, hazel eyes.
Yeah, like that.
Let's make them bigger and wider.
They need to be bigger. A little too big.
A little to anime there.
Oh my God, he's so beautiful.
This is not me, but his guy is hot.
My face is longer than this. Dragging the face down.
Still too hot for me.
(Kelsey laughing)
(Keith grunting) - Oh, there you go
- Actually, that helped. Let's put the glasses back on.
- It almost looks like your College Humor counter ego.
- It does look like Grant. You know why?
He's not smiling. 'Cause you don't see my face.
(Kelsey laughing) - Done.
- Ol' skinny head Habersberger.
(Keith screaming)
- How do people do this?
- From the picture. We have you literally right here.
- No. No. We never used the picture. Oh, the neck.
(Keith breathing)
- Change your eyebrows.
- Into what? - More streaky.
- Yeah. They're like that.
- Like this? - Yeah.
- Like this? (Kelsey laughs)
- Like this? - Yeah.
- Oh this is the worst one I've made.
Why is it so hard? Is it because
his beauty can't be captured in digital form?
- Your forehead's not that big.
The ratio to forehead to chin is about similar.
It's not like this. You're making your head
like more triangle and it's more like an oval.
- Here, you draw it. You do it.
I'm having a crisis now because my face is
so weird looking it can't be recreated digitally. Okay.
- All done. I'm figuring it out.
(Keith humming)
- Making a Keith in The Sims.
- Making his face look normal
'cause it doesn't look normal right now.
Oh my God. Looks different than it did.
- You hate it.
- Well the eyebrows are wrong. How do you make a Keith?
How do you make a Habersberger?
It's one of the great questions in life.
- You know when people put - I'm making it worse.
- Mouths onto photos and then the mouths talk?
That's the way that mouth looks on my face right now.
- You put that mouth on your face.
- You changed my face. You gotta build around the mouth.
And those eyebrows are too little.
I got big 'ol brows. Look at the size of these brows.
I pull out hair sometimes that are 16 inches long.
Right out of my eyebrows. It's like one long thread
that's been woven through my face.
Like when you pull a string on a sweater.
Whole eyebrow unravels.
Kelsey, thicken those eyebrows.
They need to be thick, baby. Not that thick.
Closer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They start a little higher.
- Yeah.
- They've got an inquisitive nature about them.
- Okay. Your eye shape's a little rounder than his.
- Aww, I like it. - It's getting worse.
- Now put glasses on him.
- Okay.
- I think this is gonna be great.
- Sure. We did it everybody. - I'm sorry.
- He's perfect. Now let's change his body around.
- Ow, hot.
- Fit Keith.
- Let's be honest. I do not have this skinny of a tummy.
I'm like a rectangle.
(laughing)
- Look at these feeble, little giraffe legs.
- They kinda look like peg legs.
- I actually have some fucking big calves.
Look at these. Look at these. Look at these calf muscles.
They're huge. You can barely ...
Sometime my pants get stuck on my calves.
Oh this guy's looking pretty good.
I wear jeans now, but I used to never wear jeans.
I liked wearing cargo pants. Those pants are terrible.
There it is. Wow. Wow. Hey!
Hey! It looks like me. Oh wow! Look at me.
It looks too short. How do I make him taller? It's just-
- Unfortunately, in the Sims,
they don't let you change their height.
(Keith sighs) - Whatever
- This is Keith Habersberger.
This is a typical, everyday look.
Blue squares. Hanging out. Not fit. Not fat.
Somewhere in the middle.
Hey, he looks good. A little formal.
Maybe I got a meeting, huh? Maybe I need to
pitch some more fried chicken series
and get the company to pay for my eating habits.
Now let's go sports. Jeez, I sure don't play sports.
Is this what people wear? Great.
Let's move to night time. Sleepy time.
I sleep like Eugene. Only in my underwear.
All the Try Guys, except for Ned,
sleep only in their underwear.
Ned wears an undershirt.
Great. Oh, but wait. I can't nap now.
I gotta go to a party so I'll dress totally fine.
Turns out it's a pool party. Let's rip up some hides.
I am food.
- You're not a friend to the world or a comedy star?
- Oh maybe I am a comedy star.
- I'm a Joke Star, but also I feel like
I'm a Friend of the World.
Do you think I'm a Friend of the World?
And then maybe I'll be a Goofball.
(Avatar speaking Simlish) (Keith laughing)
- That's a good impression of me.
I am a Foodie and let's do ...
(Keith clicking tongue)
Good. Time to move into our house.
Put some clothes on, Eugene.
Let's check everyone's status.
Eugene is fine. Ned is uncomfortable as always.
Zach is at school feeling energized.
And Keith is also feeling energized.
Happy to be home. Happy to talk to his friends.
I'm gonna give Eugene a little pep talk.
I know that Eugene is always a little morose.
And where am I?
- You're on the computer.
- Oh my God. This is so meta.
(Kelsey laughing) - What do you think I'm doing?
- You're playing Sims.
- Look at my face.
Probably making a way hotter version of myself.
Go see Eugene. Oh look at all my (bleep) ideas.
God, I'm brilliant. Good morning, world.
It is I, Keith, just encouraging my friends.
Hey Ned. Hey Eugene. What's going on bud?
Ha, ha. Good to see you. We're friends.
Oh look at this long shot. It's like we're
spying on our neighbors.
What it would look like if we were our neighbors.
What are they doing over there?
Kelsey, don't be too loud. They might see us.
What do you think they're doing over there?
- Well one of them is naked.
- That (bleep) Yang family is ruining the neighborhood.
They moved in here with this big, obnoxious house.
I'm gonna sneak up on them.
(Mischievous mystery music) (Avatars speaking Simlish)
- Oh my God. They're having a great time.
- It looks like you have a ring on.
- Oh, how did it know? Bye, Eugene. I helped you.
- You're the only married Try Guy in the house.
- Oh my God. I'm the married one?
- My wife. My wife. My wife. My wife.
Ned. Let's go cheer up Ned.
The house has been super dysfunctional all this time
and we've never understood why.
It's because I was never there.
I'm the missing link. I'm that little piece
of peace that everyone needs in their life.
- And it's not because you don't know how to play Sims.
- No. No, no, no, no. It's because Keith wasn't there.
Where did Eugene go? Do we have a backyard?
Oh, shit. Eugene! Go swimming. Skinny dip with me.
Ned's talking about garbage.
God, they just never stop, do they?
That, is that? Come home. When do-
Where does he get the nerve to go educate himself?
Not in my house. How do I? How does he come home?
Leave school early. Come home. I need you here.
Look at me. I am naked in the pool.
Eugene is naked grilling. Boy, are we having a good time.
Wow. Keith comes in the house and suddenly it is a party.
We got our dicks out all over the place.
Eugene, no. What are you serving?
Are you serving sausages?
Hey, Zach's home and he's uncomfortable.
He saw Eugene naked. What would Zach do?
He would throw a tantrum because he does not like to see
grown-up, naked men at his dinner table.
Eugene did put on some clothes which is nice.
Here comes Keith totally naked.
And he's just sitting down naked having some food.
(Keith laughing)
All right, Keith. Great work.
Let's have Keith talk to Zach. Make him feel better.
- Oh, no.
- Zach's making a (bleep) mess.
Can I adopt Zach? I'm adopting Zach.
Right off the bat. He's my responsibility now.
Is that all it takes? Any paperwork?
Do I need to wait three to six months?
- He's your dependent now.
- Zach, clean up this mess.
No son of mine is gonna ruin our new carpet.
- Oh, he's cleaning up - Ned's cleaning up
- Ned's got it. Thanks, Bro. Where is Keith?
Keith. Keith. What am I doing?
I never knew how much responsibility
it would be to have a son.
Zach, go pee. You clearly have to pee.
Oh, no. Last recess, no one wanted to play with me.
I just climbed around on my own.
If that happens again, what should I do?
I don't want him to ask other kids if he can join them.
I want him to come home and play with me.
Play with his cool dad. All right.
I'm gonna tell him to do this.
I'm increasing his conflict resolution
and his emotional control decreases.
I didn't mean to do that. That was my only option.
I want him to have a great emotional control.
- Then we gotta teach it to him.
- Okay, Zach needs to pee bad.
Luckily there's a bathroom right here.
You know why? 'Cause houses need bathrooms on every floor.
Am I in Zach's room?
- Zach? - You're getting a book.
- Zach, read this Bible. You're gonna be Christian now.
No more Judaism for you, young one.
You're gonna learn about Jesus with me as your father.
Where are our doggies and kitties at? Are they here?
- No. They got adopted by another family,
but you can bring them back if you want.
- Oh some family just came in my house
and took my pets? Wow.
- We did that on purpose because you said it was too much
so I adopted them out while you've been gone.
- Would they have died or something?
They're just digital pets. They're not real.
- I was connected to them, Keith.
I needed them to have a happy family.
- Can we just bring Chloe back in?
- We can apparently invite the dog to hang out on your lot.
- So ... - Come on over, Bowie.
- And where is Ned? He's feeling energized.
Ned's feeling good. What's Ned doing?
Ned is not allowed to play The Sims.
No. Stop. Stop it. Go talk to Eugene.
Where's Eugene? Wow, I can never keep tabs on my boys.
Discuss your interest with Eugene.
And I'm eating. Am I eating fried chicken? No.
Hey! A dog is here.
- Aww. - Aww.
- Puppy. - Zach, go pet the doggy.
- Pet boy. (Avatar speaking Simlish)
- No, that's a dog. Not a dag.
Hey, I'm playing with the dag.
I'm thinking about food and love
and playing with the dag. Hi, dag.
And Zach. Oh, my. Zach! Zach, are you serious?
Can you please? My God. Zach! Where are you?
Wake him up. And yell at him about the floor.
Hey, Zach. Wake up. Look. Here's the thing.
You're getting paint everywhere. It's kind of nuts.
Ned, get out of here. This is a dad moment.
Please, Ned. Go find a bench.
Ned, don't talk about yourself.
I'm trying to teach my son about how to be a better son.
My gosh, Ned. Ned's just so eager to be a dad.
Look at him. Look at this face.
Aww, he's so excited about the opportunity. Look at him.
Now I wanna teach Zach. That's my objective.
It's to make Zach a better boy.
I'm gonna encourage. Learn. I'm gonna say
please and thank you, Zach.
When you need something, say please.
When you're done with something, say thank you.
Aww, look at us (bleep) bonding.
Whoa. We got something else going on.
(Sexy music)
I can't. I'm behind the door. Yeah. Look at Eugene go.
Having fun, Eugene? Cleaning up? Cleaning up?
This is the second time Eugene's been naked
in this video so far. Whew.
You bring Keith in the house ...
Good times banana.
- Hey, you're parenting level two, Keith.
- I'm a level two dad?
- Wow. - Whoa.
- My fortitude and constitution have gone up one.
Look at that fucking confident ass boy.
God, there's a bar here? Eugene. Where's Eugene at?
- Maybe you guys should throw a party
and invite all of Ned's love interests.
- Oh shit. Let's find Ned a wife.
- We're gonna have a house party.
- Yeah. All of them.
- We're all hosts except Zach.
Invite Lilith Vatore.
- Wait. What happened to the rest of
the people that you guys know?
- Where are our friends? Don't we know anyone?
- What happened to the old lady?
- Well I guess we're just inviting Lilith.
- And Zach. Just hire some people
then more people will come.
- How much is this gonna cost me?
- Who cares? - A couple of those.
- Money is but an object when you have cheat codes.
- Just like life.
All right, Lilith. Get ready to be overwhelmed
because it's only us. Hey, the bartender is here.
Eugene, come and get your fix.
Order your favorite drink, Eugene.
You can have anything you want.
Keith is getting some stuff ready with the cook.
Let's find Ned here. Ned. No. Ned, what are you doing?
- What? - He's sitting alone drinking.
- You're sitting, drinking milk upstairs,
facing the wall in Zach's room.
Ned, what's wrong? Ned is so sad in this reality.
He just really wants a son.
What is he doing in here?
We're hosting a party, Bro.
I gotta find a woman for him to talk to.
- Where's Lilith?
- Yeah, where the (bleep) is our guest?
- Aww, this party (bleep) sucks.
Maybe everybody should skinny dip? Skinny dip.
Ned and Abram and Keith. Pool party.
Because nobody's at the party.
Lilith didn't come. Oh, God.
I thought we were gonna have a nice party,
but nobody came.
- I guess you guys all need to make more friends.
- And I only told Ned to get naked.
So only Ned is naked in the pool.
Zach, get in the pool with the guys.
- Uh-oh, he's being irresponsible.
Now's your parenting moment, Keith.
- Zach, oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
To parenting, parenting, parenting.
Go, go, go. Parenting. Discipline. Strict.
Yell. Zach, stop. You're getting paint everywhere.
Where am I? Discipline. I'm disciplining from the pool.
Zach. You just can't keep doing this.
Are you trying to get attention?
What's going on, Zach? Just be honest.
- You just taught him a lesson in responsibility.
- I'm gonna tell Zach to go to bed.
He's been a bad boy. Go to bed. Go to bed, Zach.
You don't get to hang out at the party.
What's this woman doing on my computer?
Hey, I hired you to cook. Excuse me?
Ma'am. Ma'am. You are a shitty cook.
Zach, you are not in bed. This is a couch.
- Who is that?
- Who is this?
- Oh, that's the bartender.
- I did ask the bartender to go swimming. He has an excuse.
Get these people out of my house.
Keith, discipline Zach. Put him to bed.
Tell that woman to go. You gotta get out of here.
You were playing Tetris. Everybody saw it.
Get out of my house.
Is this Ned? Ned's looking good.
Why is he still so lonely?
Yeah, alright, Ned. Put on a show.
Maybe we should get Ned a job as a sexy bartender.
That's what he needs. He doesn't have a purpose.
What would Ned wanna do if Ned ...
Couldn't ... He is a chemist.
Maybe he should be a scientist.
Maybe he'll meet a beautiful science woman.
- There's a woman there.
- Oh. - Who is that?
- Who are you? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ned. Ned. Ned. Chase her.
Now let's see if he can handle this one.
- She's pretty.
- She's beautiful.
- Her name is Penny Pizzazz.
- I've been really forward with Ned.
I'm gonna be a little less forward. Give pep talk.
Her voice is so pleasant. Oh my gosh.
Ned has level two charisma. I'm a level two parent.
Zach has got some manners. And Eugene.
All we need to do is give Eugene one more trait
and we're (bleep) crushin' this day.
He's sleeping. He's almost a level two mischief.
Let's just mess with somebody on the street.
There's always people outside.
Come on. Where? Where are they?
There're always people walking around.
- Well it is like 4 am.
- Yahoo. Hello. You know, we're blessed really,
to live in such a nice home.
Never mind, it's just the "Family Matters" theme song.
(Keith scats "Family Matters" theme song)
- What! There's vampires here. - Oh, shit.
- There's a vampire here. - He's visiting.
- Eugene, I think there's a vampire here. Invite him in.
How close. Look at this guy. My God.
Come on in. Aww, he's making friends.
Now let's be rude. Yeah, let's keep being rude.
Mark has thirst for plasma. You're so weak.
You need to steal my life to live, you loser.
You're a piece of garbage. Bye, lady.
- Wait, that girl's back.
She went home and changed and came back.
- Alright, Ned. Take two. Pick up line.
(Keith snapping fingers)
Come on, Ned! Whoo. Let's fall in love.
Ned is still hanging out in this speedo.
I love this newfound confidence from Ned.
- She's inviting Ned to a party.
- Oh, shit.
- Lilith did show and now she's inviting us to a party.
- Oh, shit. Accept. Okay. You're going on your own.
Fucking Ned got invited to a party.
This is thrilling. What could possibly happen next?
Who knows. You'll have to tune in next time
when we pick this up with Ned going to a party.
Oh my God. He's gonna fall in love.
Zach is finally growing into the teenager
he was always destined to be.
Eugene is becoming a little more mischievous
and yet a little more relatable.
Myself, Keith, is perfect in every way
and is making everyone happier.
And of course, well that's all of us, huh?
(Keith and Kelsey laughing)
Tune in next time for when we allow Ned
to finally, maybe fall in love
and I start killing the other guys.
Right? 'Cause that's something you do in The Sims.
Right? You just kill them?
- You can.
- Oh, I sure can. Who's gonna die?
- Let us know in the comments below.
- Bye.
(Bouncy music)