- I'll be honest with you here
and this is being recorded
and I'm happy to say this to whole world.
My most hated group in society
is Italian Americans.
And, and look, this is a comedy show.
So if there are any Italian Americans in the room
with us this evening, please know that you are not welcome.
There a fucking painful bunch of people.
Pick a fucking accent.
Either go Italian or go American, but don't flip-flop.
You're eating at an Italian restaurant.
The waiter will seem normal
and then he'll fucking change, right?
You'll be in an Italian restaurant.
They go, "Hey, you enjoying your meal?
It's good. Right? My mother,
she used to make it with a ma-ze-re."
What the fuck happened to that word?
He had a fucking stroke in the middle of the fucking word.
Ma-zu-rell.
Well fuck you.
- Who's that guy?
Football player?
Aaron Rogers.
What do you think about that guy?
- Fuck him.
- Fuck him!
People hate that guy.
He's a fucking idiot!
It's like all right, calm down,
he's a football player.
He read some articles,
he got skeptical,
he did some research, are you stunned
he came to the wrong conclusion?
Did you really think he was gonna crack the case?
Did think Fauci was gonna be out there like,
"I just got off the phone with Aaron Rogers!"
This poor guy
it's like we're all in high school
and we're making fun of the quarterback
for doing bad on the science test.
You're a dummy Aaron.
You're a dummy, you don't know anything.
Do you, you're a dumb dumb.
This guy makes a living getting hit in the head.
Can we cut him a break?
- Girls? There's gotta be a middle ground where someone
disagrees with you and you get the fuck over it.
Okay.
You don't have to hate her.
You don't have to hold onto it.
One woman's affirmation of her life choices
is not the negation of your existence.
Be better than that.
Okay.
We can't walk around calling ourselves queens.
I'm a queen.
She doesn't like my top
Who cares?
Move the fuck on.
And you know who does this better?
Men.
They agree to disagree all the time.
And they're fine.
You see it all the time,
guys like, "He's my best friend.
I don't like his politics and he's stupid.
He's the son of a bitch, but...
I love him, we didn't get along
at first, we went out back,
we had a drink, we fought,
we had a little bit of sex and we were good to go."
Good to go!
- Like I hated when people wear costumes
they have to explain.
That really irks me.
It's like, just keep it simple, man.
And come to the party as something identifiable
like a bumblebee.
Don't come to the party dressed as a host of
"Antique Road Show."
Nobody gives a damn.
You walk my party talking about "What am I?"
You are dressed like a conversation
I'm not in the mood to have right now.
We could be bobbing for apples
but you would rather give a costume lecture.
We don't have time for those shenanigans.
- Look, I'm just, I don't really have
any current event stuff,
I don't have any Trump material is what I'm saying.
I don't-
There's no-
What is the point at this point?
What is the point?
The people look, the people that hate Trump, hate him.
The people that still like him, they're lost.
So what is, what happens
if I do a bit, then no one's gonna, "Oh okay."
Doing a bit about Trump and thinking you're gonna
affect change is like doing a bit like to the
the Manson followers basically.
Like just,
and hoping that they'll go, "Oh, that was a clever joke.
Yeah. He is kind of crazy."
- Jokes that to really wrap the show up in tone, in pace
and also my needling of the patriarchy by that stage
the needle will have become a jousting stick.
Yep. And then with that jousting stick
I'm going to set about tearing my haters as a new ass hole.
Yep. Quick as you like, brand spanking new.
And the way that I'll do that is by doing exactly
what my haters accused me of doing, which is lecturing you.
So in the middle of the show
I'm giving you a big old lecture.
The twist, it's funny.
It's fucking funny.
Right? Which is exactly what my haters accuse me
of not being.
So that's gonna sand them on a bit of a loop.
May kill them, fingers crossed.
Now at this stage, you're probably wondering
and rightly so, why would I focus on my haters?
Why would I do that?
That is self indulgent.
Yes.
And yes, I have read all of Taylor Swift's work.
I am aware of the great sage of our age.
I do understand that haters are just gonna hate, hate
hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
and she's not wrong.
They are repetitive.
So why wouldn't I?
why wouldn't I follow her lead and just shake it off?
Why wouldn't I do that?
Just shake, shake, shake.
It's one reason that is one reason.
The other reason is because I'm
not convinced our friend Tay Tay has been a victim
of an actual hate crime.
And I have.
So naturally the way that we deal with online hate
is going to differ.
Personally. I like to snack on it.
Oh yep.
Nom nom nom.
This body doesn't just happen.
I am a real hate patootie.
- So what he's trying to do is,
he's trying to defeat hate with hate.
And hate doesn't beat hate.
It's never fucking beaten hate.
It just makes more hate.
Now this might be the most hippy thing that ever
comes out of my mouth,
but it's true.
The only thing that can beat hate is love.
Now love doesn't always beat hate.
It doesn't always beat hate
but it does do something.
Right now, think about your own personal life.
Think about a person who hates you and you hate them.
From now on, just show that person nothing but love.
Now, I'm not saying for a second that
that person will start loving you.
They'll probably still fucking hate you.
But one thing happen.
Eventually everyone will see them as the asshole.
Don't be the asshole America.
Don't be the asshole.