LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS SO GOOD, SO GOOD TO BE BACK, ISN'T IT?
WE'VE ONLY BEEN OFF FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, AND HOLY MOLY-- NEWS, I
CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES.
I LEAVE TOWN TO GO TO THE EMMYS, AND THE LAST WORDS OUT OF MY
MOUTH ARE, DON'T BREAK ANYTHING."
I COME BACK, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
WHEN I LEFT, IT LOOKED LIKE SMOOTH SAILING FOR THE SENATE
CONFIRMATION OF SUPREME COURT NOMINEE AND JUDGE FULL OF
DREAD, BRETT KAVANAUGH.
( LAUGHTER )
WOMAN HAD WRITTEN AN ANONYMOUS LETTER TO SENATOR DIANNE
FEINSTEIN ACCUSING KAVANAUGH OF SEXUALLY ASSAULTING HER AT A
PARTY WHEN THEY WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
IT'S A HORRIFYING STORY, AND A SERIOUS ACCUSATION.
BUT REPUBLICANS WERE READY TO DISMISS IT UNTIL THE WOMAN CAME
FORWARD OVER THE WEEKEND.
HER NAME IS DR. CHRISTINE BLASEY FORD, AND SHE'S WILLING TO
TESTIFY UNDER ONE CONDITION: THAT THE F.B.I. INVESTIGATES THE
CHARGES BEFORE THERE'S A SENATE HEARING.
SEEMS REASONABLE.
BUT THAT WAS REJECTED BY CHAIRMAN OF THE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE AND MAN WHO'S GOT A REAL ZINGER FOR THE LADY-NURSE
TODAY, CHUCK GRASSLEY, WHO SAYS "THERE'S NO NEED FOR THE F.B.I.
TO INVESTIGATE THE KAVANAUGH ALLEGATION."
OH, SO, THE HEARING COMES BEFORE THE INVESTIGATION, JUST LIKE ON
THE CLASSIC TV SHOW, "ORDER & LAW,--" YES, "ORDER & LAW."
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
AND GRASSLEY'S NOT ALONE.
TRUMP ALSO DOESN'T BELIEVE THIS IS A JOB FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT.
>> WELL, IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE F.B.I. REALLY DOESN'T DO THAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THE F.B.I.
DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO INVESTIGATE SEXUAL ASSAULT.
THAT TAKES PRECIOUS TIME AWAY FROM FINDING REAL CRIMINALS,
LIKE THE AUTHOR OF THE ANONYMOUS OP-ED.
STOP HIM BEFORE HE HOPS AGAIN.
AND SHOW ME THE PRECEDENT.
SOMEONE SHOW ME THE PRECEDENT FOR THE F.B.I. INVESTIGATING
SEXUAL MISCONDUCT CLAIMS AGAINST A SUPREME COURT NOMINEE.
>> THE FIRST I LEARNED OF THE ALLEGATIONS BY PROFESSOR ANITA
HILL WAS ON SEPTEMBER 25, 1991, WHEN THE F.B.I. CAME TO MY HOME
TO INVESTIGATE HER ALLEGATIONS.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
ASKING IS THAT CONGRESS TREAT HER WITH THE SAME RESPECT AND
DIGNITY THEY GAVE ANITA HILL.
THE BAR COULD NOT BE LOWER IF YOU DROPPED IT IN THE MARIANA
TRENCH.
KAVANAUGH HAS CATEGORICALLY DENIED THE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST
HIM, AND ONE OF HIS MOST ARDENT DEFENDERS IS SENATOR GRASSLEY,
WHO RELEASED A LETTER IN WHICH 65 WOMEN FROM KAVANAUGH'S HIGH
SCHOOL DAYS ATTESTED TO HIS INTEGRITY.
FIRST OFF, WHAT TEENAGE BOY KNOWS 65 WOMEN?
( LAUGHTER )
UH, ANNA KENDRICK WAS ON THE SHOW LAST WEEK.
( LAUGHTER )
COUNT?
BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT HER A LOT.
AFTER THE ACCUSATIONS CAME OUT, WHEN POLITICO TRIED TO FOLLOW UP
WITH THESE 65 WOMEN, FIVE OF THEM DECLINED TO COMMENT, AND
DOZENS OF OTHERS EITHER DID NOT RESPOND OR COULDN'T BE REACHED.
FIVE DECLINED, DOZENS COULDN'T BE REACHED, 12 WERE GETTING ON
ELEVATORS, SEVEN OF THEM WERE DRIVING INTO TUNNELS, AND
ANOTHER FIVE SUDDENLY "NO HABLA INGLES."
( LAUGHTER )
GRASSLEY SAYS IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
>> YOU UNDERSTAND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT 35 YEARS AGO.
I'D HATE TO HAVE-- HAVE SOMEBODY ASK ME WHAT I DID, UH-- 35 YEARS
AGO.
( LAUGHTER )
KNOWS WHAT KIND OF YOUTHFUL HIJINKS GRASSLEY WAS UP TO WHEN
HE WAS A 49-YEAR-OLD SENATOR?
ANOTHER STAUNCH KAVANAUGH DEFENDER IS UTAH SENATOR AND
MURDEROUS PUPPET, ORRIN HATCH.
( LAUGHTER )
HAPPENED, NOT THAT HE'S CALLING ANYONE A LIAR.
>> DO YOU THINK THIS IN ANY WAY IS GOING DERAIL HIS NOMINATION?
>> NO.
IT'S A STRAIGHT-SHOOTING, HONEST GUY.
I THINK WHEN PEOPLE LISTEN TO HIM THEY'LL-- THEY'LL KNOW THAT
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
>> AND DO YOU THINK THAT ANY OF THESE CLAIMS ARE LEGITIMATE?
>> NO, I DON'T.
I THINK-- I THINK THIS WOMAN-- WHOEVER SHE IS-- IS MIXED UP.
>> Stephen: YEAH, SHE'S MIXED >> Stephen: YEAH, SHE'S MIXED
UP.
YOU KNOW THAT THING WHERE YOU REMEMBER BEING THE VICTIM OF A
VIOLENT SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND YOU REMEMBER THAT THERE WAS A
WITNESS THERE.
AND YOU TALK TO YOUR THERAPIST AND YOUR HUSBAND, AND BEFORE THE
GUY IS A NOMINEE, YOU WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR CONGRESSWOMAN
DESCRIBING THE ATTACK, AND SHE FORWARDS IT TO YOUR SENATOR.
YOU TAKE AND PASS A LIE DETECTOR TEST, AND THEN LATER IT TURNS
OUT YOUR GLASSES WERE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.
IT'S JUST A MIX-UP, JUST TOTALLY MIXED UP.
THEN THERE'S THE SPOKESPERSON FROM THE JUDICIAL CRISIS NETWORK
WHO EQUATED THIS ASSAULT TO "ROUGH HORSEPLAY."
WHICH RAISES THE QUESTION: WHAT HAS BRETT KAVANAUGH DONE TO
HORSES?
( LAUGHTER )
OF THE G.O.P.'S ATTEMPT TO HAVE IT BOTH WAYS: HE DIDN'T DO IT,
AND IF HE DID, IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE, AS ONE
ANONYMOUS LAWYER CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE PUT IT: "IF SOMEBODY
CAN BE BROUGHT DOWN BY ACCUSATIONS LIKE THIS, THEN YOU,
ME, EVERY MAN, CERTAINLY SHOULD BE WORRIED."
NO.
NO, THEY SHOULDN'T.
NOT EVERY MAN GOES THROUGH A SEXUAL ASSAULTER PHASE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND--AND TO ANYONE WHO SAYS, "BOYS WILL BE BOYS" SHOULDN'T BE
ALLOWED TO RAISE BOYS.
OR GIRLS.
MAYBE A PLANT.
WE'LL TALK.
A CACTUS.