- Yeah, hiya, my name is Mike, I am from Atlanta,
I was back there this weekend, had a wonderful time,
got to hang out with my grandma.
If you've still got your grandparents in your life,
hang out with them, okay?
It doesn't have to be weird, doesn't have to be boring.
Me and my grandma get high as shit on her pain pills,
go get pedicures, woo, that's a great time!
We used to do this thing every week
where we'd eat dinner together at her nursing home
and I loved that 'cause we had this wonderful crew.
It'd be me, my grandma and her friend, Miss Cathy.
Now, Miss Cathy is like 89 years old
but she's still sharp up top, she's got this rapier wit,
I feel like we talk about anything,
she'd always make me laugh,
I feel like I could be myself around her
and she could be herself around me.
It's like, yo,
have you ever met an old person you've vibed with?
And you were like damn, we could have been something,
you know what I mean?
Like if you were just 60 years younger
or I fucked old people, God damn!
We might'a had a whole life!
Being up in New York has just made me very aware
of how southern my family actually is
'cause I'm from the city, I'm from Atlanta
but my dad's from rural Georgia, okay?
Very southern dude.
Like, my dad's so southern, he believes in God and aliens.
At the same time, it's not mutually exclusive for him,
he's just scared of the sky, you know what I mean?
When I was growing up, he used to tuck me into bed at night
and be like "all right, buddy, say your prayers,
"you already know Jesus saves and the truth is out there,
"okay, put the tinfoil hat on and say your prayers".
Growing up, I used to get whooped
because he's like an old-school southern dude,
used to get hit with the belt.
If your parents hit you growing up,
you know they like to justify it
with how bad their parents hit them?
That's their thing so my dad used to be like
"hey buddy, you're lucky you're just getting the belt, okay,
"your grandma used to make me go outside, cut a switch
"and she'd whip it across my bare ass until it bled.
"And her mom used to make her get a pistol revolver,
"load one bullet in it, spin it, point it at her foot,
"pull the trigger and if it didn't go off,
"she got choked out so you're doing pretty good buddy, okay?
"You're doing all right, you better just praise God
"and Lord Veraknu, mm mm, long may the Lord reign".
I don't hate my dad, though, I like my dad,
I got all my looks from my father,
he's the reason I look like Andy Samberg fucked Rudey.
(audience laughs)
Oh, y'all love that, don't you, yeah, yeah.
I like how I look now 'cause when I was younger,
I looked weird.
Like, I used to be this short little fat dude.
I was four 11 when I started high school.
My nickname in middle school was "Bosoms"
'cause I had big, dope tits.
And I was four 11 when I started high school,
I was one inch above legally a (beep)
and I was the same weight that I am now.
So, it was like somebody just sat on me.
And it was such an issue, my body was not growing at all.
My parents and me were freaking out
so my mom took me to see a doctor, an endocrinologist
and he examined my skeleton and he came to me
and he was like "yes, you have the bones of a person
"two years younger than you".
Are they my bones, what the fuck are you talking about?
He didn't really explain it so I like to imagine
I was an experiment in the same lab that made Wolverine
and changed his skeleton
'cause they're not all gonna be winners,
you're gonna try some shit.
So, it's just one scientist, like, "yeah, this is Wolverine,
"we gave him bones of adamantium and this is Mike,
"we gave him the bones of a slightly younger boy.
"He's not gonna go through puberty till he's 16,
"he serves a purpose".
That's true, man, I didn't go through puberty till I was 16,
that was a trip 'cause I was watching porn at 14.
So, I was just watching the biggest dicks in the world
go to town and then looking at my dick, like (screams).
I remember, I was so nervous about it,
I went to my dad and I was like
"Dad, what if it's a little one?"
And my dad's way of comforting me was, he goes
"hell, Michael, I got a little one".
Oh no, oh no, I feel worse.
It was funny 'cause his dick was tight, man,
I seen that dick, he was just trying to make me feel better.
It worked out, it worked out all right, you know?
I remember, growing up, I was super scared of dogs
'cause I was allergic to 'em
so we didn't have dogs in the house.
I was terrified of dogs and I got a little older,
I became a man and my buddy was like
"Mike, you should work with horses
"'cause that will help you with your fear of dogs".
And I was smoking a lot of weed at the time
so I was like "fucking yeah, man, all right".
And I remember, I volunteered at this horse sanctuary
for abused and neglected horses,
it was run by this lady named Esther,
this really cool hippie chick.
She's the type of lady, she'd be barefoot around the horses,
I'm like "what if a horse steps on your foot?",
she's like "if a horse steps on my foot, it's my fault
"'cause I'm not present with the horse and I'm not aware".
She was like that, very spiritual
and she was taking care of all types of horses,
like she had these two racehorses
she saved from getting put down,
she had this one horse that was a hermaphrodite,
it had male and female genitalia
so it had these crazy mood swings, going male to female
and she was the only person that could take care of it.
And then she had this one horse
that had been raped repeatedly by her previous owner.
That's real, people do that,
she had been raped by her owner but Esther saved the horse
and brought it into the sanctuary.
And when I was there, she was like
"I want you to be aware of what horse you connect with
"'cause what horse you connect with
"says a lot about what you're going through".
And I connected with the rape horse, that was my dude,
we got along and she said I connected with that horse
because I had blockages in my sexual energy fields,
which made sense, I had not been laid in some time
and she said "by hanging out with the horse,
"it could alleviate my sexual energy field blockages".
So, I hung out with the horse for an afternoon
and we had a great time
and we got comfortable around each other.
And then, the next day,
I met this big titty Irish woman at a bar
and we had sex in my garage and man,
now I'm not scared of dogs anymore, can you believe it?
(pulsating music)