>> Stephen: WELCOME, EVERYBODY!
COME ON IN.
IT'S "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
BIG NEWS -- AFTER BEING CHOPPERED TO WALTER
REED HOSPITAL ON FRIDAY, DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN RELEASED BACK
INTO THE WILD.
THERE HE IS, IMMEDIATELY TAKING OFF HIS MASK AND SALUTING THE
MARINES AND THE CAMERA CREW FILMING THIS CAMPAIGN AD.
WHO HAS TWO THUMBS THAT DOESN'T CARE IF YOU LIVE OR DIE?
THIS GUY!
MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS GO OUT TO EVERYONE HE'S ABOUT TO INF
INFECT.
TRUMP MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT HIMSELF, TWEETING, "I WILL BE
LEAVING THE GREAT WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER TODAY AT 6:30
P.M.
FEELING REALLY GOOD!
DON'T BE AFRAID OF COVID.
DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOUR LIFE.
WE HAVE DEVELOPED, UNDER THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, SOME
REALLY GREAT DRUGS AND KNOWLEDGE.
I FEEL BETTER THAN I DID 20 YEARS AGO!"
WELL, I'M GLAD THAT THE PRESIDENT IS FEELING BETTER, OF
COURSE, I WISH HIM CONTINUED GOOD HEALTH, AND IT GOES WITHOUT
SAYING: WHAT A TOOL.
"DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOUR LIFE."
SO, THE PEOPLE WHO LOST THEIR LIVES, THEY EITHER DIDN'T HAVE
ENOUGH MOXIE, OR THEY DIDN'T LIVE IN A BIG WHITE HOUSE THAT
HAS 20 FULL-TIME MEDICAL STAFF AND GET CHOPPERED TO A SUITE AT
WALTER REED WHERE THEY RECEIVED A COMBINATION OF CUTTING-EDGE
TREATMENTS THAT LITERALLY NO ONE ELSE ON THE PLANET HAS
RECEIVED.
OKAY, THEN JUST MAKE THE SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: "DON'T LET
CANCER DOMINATE YOUR LUNGS!
SMOKING IS COOL, BECAUSE MY LUNG TRANSPLANT WAS SUCCESSFUL!"
SO WHAT DOES THIS TELL US ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S HEALTH?
BECAUSE WE'VE ALREADY BEEN LIED TO SO MANY TIMES, THAT WE DON'T
ACTUALLY KNOW ENOUGH OF WHAT'S TRUE TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH
WE'VE BEEN LIED TO.
SINCE FRIDAY, WE'VE BEEN GETTING IRREGULAR UPDATES FROM THE
PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL PHYSICIAN AND MAN WHO IS EITHER A
NORMAL-SIZED DOCTOR WITH A GIANT MICROPHONE OR A VERY TINY DOCTOR
WITH A REGULAR MICROPHONE, DR. SEAN CONLEY.
ONE OF THE MOST CONCERNING SYMPTOMS OF COVID IS REDUCED
LUNG FUNCTION, AND CHECK OUT HOW CAGEY CONLEY WAS ABOUT WHETHER
TRUMP WAS GIVEN OXYGEN.
>> HE HAS NOT RECEIVED ANY SUPPLEMENTAL OXYGEN?
>> HE'S NOT ON OXYGEN RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> HE HAS NOT RECEIVED ANY AT ALL?
>> HE'S NOT NEEDED ANY THIS MORNING TODAY AT ALL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> CAN WE JUST PIN YOU DOWN ON ONE THING?
HAS HE EVER BEEN ON SUPPLEMENTAL OXYGEN?
>> RIGHT NOW, HE IS NOT ON OXYGEN.
>> STEPHEN: HE'S SO BAD AT LYING!
IT'S LIKE IF YOUR WIFE ASKED, "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH
JANET?" "HONEY, I HAVE NOT HAD
SUPPLEMENTAL JANET SEX THIS MORNING, THAT'S RIGHT."
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEXT DAY, IT CAME OUT THAT
TRUMP HAD BEEN GIVEN OXYGEN, AND CONLEY EXPLAINED WHY HE WAS SO
EVASIVE.
>> I WAS TRYING TO REFLECT THE UPBEAT ATTITUDE THAT THE TEAM,
THE PRESIDENT, THAT HIS COURSE OF ILLNESS HAS HAD.
I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE ANY INFORMATION THAT MIGHT STEER THE
COURSE OF ILLNESS IN ANOTHER DIRECTION.
>> STEPHEN: YOU CAN'T STEER THE COURSE OF A DISEASE BY LYING
ABOUT IT.
THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED "MAKE A WISH" AND NOT "EVERYTHING'S
FINE, MARK RUFFALO JUST WANTS TO MEET YOU!"
WHILE THE DOCTORS WERE PRESENTING A ROSY PICTURE, THEY
ALSO REVEALED THAT TRUMP HAS BEEN PUT ON TWO DRUGS:
REMDESIVIR AND DEXAMETHASONE.
I'M NOT A DOCTOR, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN
YOU GET PRESCRIBED THE HIGH SCORE IN A SCRABBLE GAME.
HERE'S THE THING ABOUT DEXAMETHASONE: IT HAS SOME
PRETTY INTENSE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS.
>> THE DEXAMETHASONE IS KNOWN TO HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH SIDE
EFFECTS.
IT CAN CAUSE PSYCHOSIS, IT CAN CAUSE DELIRIUM, IT CAN CAUSE
MANIA.
>> STEPHEN: IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE LABEL: "WARNING: MAY CAUSE
DONALD TRUMP."
DEXAMETHASONE CAN ALSO CAUSE CHANGES IN MOOD, INCLUDING A
FEELING OF EXTREME WELL-BEING, AND TEMPORARY BURNING, PAIN AND
ITCHING AROUND YOUR ANUS.
FEELINGS OF EXTREME WELL-BEING AND A BURNING ANUS?
IT'S NOT COMMON, BUT WE'VE GOT A TESTIMONIAL FROM ONE PERSON
WHO'S TAKEN THE DRUG: ♪ AND IT BURNS, BURNS, BURNS ♪
♪ THE RING OF FIRE ♪ ♪ THE RING OF FIRE ♪
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
ADDING TO THE CONFUSION THIS WEEKEND WAS TRUMP CHIEF OF STAFF
AND MAN BEING TOLD THE BOUNCE HOUSE IS FOR CHILDREN ONLY, MARK
MEADOWS.
AFTER TRUMP'S DOCTOR TOLD REPORTERS THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS
IN GREAT SHAPE, AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE TOLD THESE SAME REPORTERS
THAT ACTUALLY, "THE PRESIDENT'S VITALS OVER THE LAST 24 HOURS
WERE VERY CONCERNING AND THE NEXT 48 HOURS WILL BE CRITICAL
IN TERMS OF HIS CARE.
WE'RE STILL NOT ON A CLEAR PATH TO A FULL RECOVERY."
IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR PEOPLE TO FIGURE OUT THAT THIS
ANONYMOUS SOURCE WAS MEADOWS BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY WHITE
HOUSE OFFICIAL AT WALTER REED AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD
HAVE SO PROMPTLY BRIEFED THE PRESS POOL ON THE PRESIDENT'S
CONDITION.
AND, ON SATURDAY, HE GOT CAUGHT ON TAPE:
>> OBVIOUSLY THE CAMERAS ARE STILL ROLLIN', IF WE COULD GO
OFF THE RECORD WITH SOME OF Y'ALL AND GET AWAY FROM THE
CAMERAS.
>> STEPHEN: YOU'D THINK THE WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF COULD
BE A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
ACTUALLY, HOLD ON, CAN WE GO OFF THE RECORD HERE?
THANKS.
MARK MEADOWS IS AN IDIOT.
THE PRESIDENT EVIDENTLY WAS WATCHING, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO
SOURCES, "TRUMP WAS FURIOUS AT MEADOWS FOR CONTRADICTING THE
WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIAN."
(AS TRUMP) "MARK, I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS UPSET
SINCE I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A FLAMIN' MUDFLAP."
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE FRESH CALAMARI OUT OF THE
FRYER, MY FRIEND.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU EVER SEEN PICTURES OF AN
ERUPTING KILOWAYA?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ISN'T A PARTISAN THING.
FOR THE SAFETY OF OUR NATION, THE PUBLIC NEEDS TO KNOW HOW
TRUMP'S DOING.
WHICH IS WHY IT'S SO INFURIATING THAT DR. CONLEY HAD THIS TO SAY
YESTERDAY.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO THE SPECIFICS OF HIS CARE.
>> STEPHEN: THEN WHY ARE YOU THERE?!
I DON'T GET TO GO ON TV AND SAY, "I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO THE
SPECIFICS OF MY JOKE TONIGHT."
PLUS, I DON'T ENDANGER THE NATION BY DOING MY JOB POORLY.
AT MOST I ENDANGER THE SALES OF CHARMIN.
CHARMIN.
ENJOY THE GO.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'VE BEEN ON THE DEXAMETHASONE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN.
WARNING: CHARMIN IS FLAMMABLE.
ALSO, AND THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHEN
THE PRESIDENT WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED.
HE ANNOUNCED A POSITIVE TEST ON TWITTER AT 1:00 A.M. FRIDAY
MORNING.
BUT WHEN TALKING ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S TREATMENT ON
SATURDAY, CONLEY SAID THIS: >> JUST 72 HOURS INTO THE
DIAGNOSIS NOW.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT-- THAT WAS SATURDAY MORNING, 72 HOURS WOULD
BE WEDNESDAY MORNING, SO HE SPENT TWO FULL DAYS DOING EVENTS
UNMASKED, INDOORS, SPREADING HIS VIRUS.
ARE YOU SURE YOU MEAN 72 HOURS?
SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT HERE: >> WHEN WAS THE POSITIVE
DIAGNOSIS MADE?
YOU SAID 72 HOURS.
THAT WOULD PUT IT AT WEDNESDAY.
>> YEAH.
SO, THURSDAY AFTERNOON, FOLLOWING THE NEWS OF A CLOSE
CONTACT IS WHEN WE REPEATED TESTING.
>> STEPHEN: OH, "REPEATED TESTING?"
YOU MEAN TO MAKE SURE HE WAS A SOCIOPATHIC DISEASE VECTOR?
GOOD.
THE WHITE HOUSE WAS QUICK TO CONTRADICT THE DOCTOR'S
CONTRADICTION, RELEASING A STATEMENT SAYING, "CONLEY MEANT
THAT TRUMP WAS ON DAY THREE OF THE ILLNESS.
THE DIAGNOSIS WAS MADE THURSDAY NIGHT, MAKING SATURDAY THE THIRD
DAY INTO HIS DIAGNOSIS.
SO, THEY'RE LYING.
BECAUSE THEY LIE.
THEY LIE ABOUT COVID TESTING SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE
TRUMP TOLD AT LEAST ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL WHO TESTED
POSITIVE, "DON'T TELL ANYONE."
THAT EXPLAINS THE CARDS TRUMP'S BEEN SENDING TO HIS STAFF.
"GET WELL SOON.
"NOT THAT YOU NEED TO, BECAUSE YOU'RE FINE, REMEMBER?"
THE PRESIDENT TRIED TO PROVE HOW HEALTHY HE WAS THIS WEEKEND BY
RELEASING THIS PHOTO OF HIM "AT WORK."
SOME POINTED OUT THAT THAT PIECE OF PAPER SEEMS TO BE BLANK.
BUT TO DEFEND THE PRESIDENT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT
WORKING.
BECAUSE A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER IS HIS COVID RESPONSE PLAN.
TRUMP ALSO RELEASED A COUPLE OF VIDEOS, INCLUDING THIS ONE,
ABOUT HOW THIS EXPERIENCE HAS AFFECTED HIM:
>> IT'S BEEN A VERY INTERESTING JOURNEY, I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT
COVID.
>> STEPHEN: REALLY?
YOU'RE LEARNING IT NOW?
(AS TRUMP) "FOR THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS, I'VE
HEARD ABOUT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE GETTING INFECTED WITH COVID.
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS DYING.
BUT HOW COULD I KNOW THOSE PEOPLE WERE REAL IF THEY WEREN'T
ME?
BUT NOW THEY ARE.
MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS GO OUT TO ALL OF MYSELF."
TRUMP HAD A FUN METAPHOR FOR HOW HE LEARNED ABOUT COVID:
>> I LEARNED IT BY REALLY GOING TO SCHOOL.
THIS IS THE REAL SCHOOL.
THIS ISN'T THE "LET'S READ THE BOOKS" SCHOOL.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH.
TURNS OUT, THE VIRUS WAS INSIDE ME THE WHOLE TIME.
AND THE REAL TREASURE WERE THE FRIENDS WE INFECTED ALONG THE
WAY."
BUT, BOTTOM LINE, TRUMP WANTS US TO KNOW THAT HE COMPREHENDS THE
GRAVITY OF THE DISEASE: >> AND I GET IT.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU GET IT.
THEN MELANIA GETS IT.
THEN CHRIS CHRISTIE GETS IT.
EVERYBODY GETS IT.
HE MIGHT GET IT, BUT HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT, BECAUSE SHORTLY
AFTER MAKING THAT VIDEO, HE DROVE AROUND IN A HERMETICALLY
SEALED S.U.V., ENDANGERING EVERYONE WITH HIM, WAVING AT
SUPPORTERS, WHO WERE AN UNUSUAL BUNCH.
REPORTERS HAD THIS ENCOUNTER: "I'M HERE TO PRAY FOR TRUMP,"
SAID AN ELDERLY VIETNAMESE WOMAN WHO DECLINED TO GIVE HER NAME.
SHE WAS HOLDING A MASSIVE SHOFAR-- A RAM'S HRN USED IN
JEWISH RELIGIOUS CEREMONIES-- THAT SHE BLEW REPEATEDLY
CALLING OTHERS TO PRAYER.
YES, TRUMP HAS A HUGE FOLLOWING AMONGST THE COVETED "ELDERLY
VIETNAMESE JEWS" DEMOGRAPHIC.
AS THEY SAY AT MOMENTS LIKE THIS, "HANOI, VEY."
PRESIDENT TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY PROMINENT REPUBLICAN TO TEST
POSITIVE FOR COVID.
SO HAVE HOPE HICKS, KELLYANNE CONWAY, CHRIS CHRISTIE, R.N.C.
CHAIRWOMAN RONNA MCDANIEL, REPUBLICAN SENATORS MIKE LEE,
THOM TILLIS, RON JOHNSON, AND TRUMP CAMPAIGN MANAGER BILL
STEPIEN.
THE G.O.P. CHANGED ITS SYMBOL TO THIS.
DON'T WORRY, DR. CONLEY ASSURES ME THAT ELEPHANT IS NOT
CURRENTLY ON OXYGEN AND HAS NOT FELT THIS GOOD IN 20 YEARS.
THE LATEST TRUMP OFFICIAL TO FALL ILL IS WHITE HOUSE PRESS
SECRETARY AND BARBIE WHO WHISPERS THREATS WHILE YOUR
CHILDREN SLEEP, KAYLEIGH MCENANY, WHO TWEETED, "AFTER
TESTING NEGATIVE CONSISTENTLY INCLUDING EVERY DAY SINCE
THURSDAY, I TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19 ON MONDAY WHILE
EXPERIENCING NO SYMPTOMS."
HERE'S THE THING: KAYLEIGH KNEW SHE HAD BEEN IN CLOSE CONTACT
WITH HOPE HICKS, AND HAD A HIGH LIKELIHOOD OF BEING
INFECTED.
BUT AFTER KNOWING THAT, KAYLEIGH MCENANY REPEATEDLY SPOKE TO
REPORTERS WITHOUT A MASK ON.
SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE JOURNALISTS A SCOOP!
(AS MCENANY) "COME HERE-- I'VE GOT AN
EXCLUSIVE: YOU'RE GOING TO GET SICK VERY SOON!"
AND IT'S NOT JUST TRUMP STAFFERS, THREE JOURNALISTS
WORKING AT THE WHITE HOUSE HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19.
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS A HOT ZONE.
COMING THIS FALL FROM AARON SORKIN, "THE INFEST WING."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JON BON JOVI IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE PRESIDENT RETURNS TO TWITTER.
STICK AROUND.