“I’ve got the perfect person to set you up with!”
“I was married by the time I was your age.”
“Don’t you get lonely?”
“So what’s wrong with you?”
“What’s, what’s wrong?”
Nothing’s wrong with me!
“We should set you up with someone.”
I get this about 9 times a day.
Usually from my dad.
You think I need that much help that you actually want to intervene.
“Oh we should set you up!”
Like, “Oh look and then you can do couply things with us!”
And it’s like, why are you so uncomfortable with me being single?
I think it’s usually as well, it’s not even got anything to do with whether you’re
compatible.
“I know someone who’s gay so I’m gonna set you up with him cause he’s gay as well.”
Not just because they’re another single person, that doesn’t mean we’re a match.
Or because I’m brown and they’re brown that doesn’t work all the time.
It’s always like their mate Mark in accounts, do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
I don’t want to go on a date with Mark from accounts, I mean, look at his shit Burton
suit.
“Valentine’s Day must be miserable for you.”
Oh I hate that, I’ve had people say that to me loads of times.
“What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?”
I don’t know, having a wank at home probably, why?
What are you doing?
Me and my girls, we go out to a restaurant, we get a special set meal for a discount price,
free bottle of Prosecco.
All the single ladies, all the single ladies! and I tell you what, we’re the only ones
laughing at the restaurant, while all the rest of the couples are instagramming their
brand new Michael Kors watches.
#blessed.
Like my Instagram feed becomes roses...
Teddybears and the shard.
Teddybears as well.
Visits to the Shard!
It’s just a made-up day that’s been really commercialised so we can make more money.
Basically.
Yeah.
So I just take the discount chocolate and the heart-shaped cupcakes and just enjoy life.
“You must sleep around a lot.”
It’s that stereotype of a single man, everyone’s just like, “Right he’s sleeping around,
he just wants to sleep with anyone” He was like, “Nick” I was like “Subhash
uncle”.
He was like “yeah yeah yeah,” He was like “How you doing?” and I’m like “Yeah
I’m alright” He was like “don’t worry, just have a few brandys, go out there and
have a shag!”
Like I’ve not once ever indicated that I just shag anybody.
That’s not the reason I’m single so I can have all the dicks.
Well first up, sex feels nice.
I don’t know who else, who put a negative spin on this shit.
It feels great, do you know what I’m saying?
I like to do it a lot.
Like if they’re sowing their wild oats, I also have shit to sow…
Yeah.
I have eggs to lay.
I just think if you wanna have fun, go have fun, just as long as you play it safe.
“You need to lower your expectations.”
Can’t get any lower, I’m nearly touching the floor.
People assume that because you love yourself a bit too much, someone else can’t love
you.
Again as I was saying, I’m trying to eliminate the weak ones.
Stop giving me all this advice, it just makes me feel uncomfortable, that you’re like
saying, really, “You’re the problem.”
Flash forward ten years time and you’ve got some layabout on the sofa that can’t
even be bothered to, you know, wash his hands after the toilet and you’re out earning.
Nah, you need someone who’s motivated.
You know, dragging him up, no thank you, I’d rather be alone, than have that shit on my
sofa.
I don’t want no scrubs.
Exactly So uh, and that’s one of my dating rules:
No scrubs
“Who broke your heart?”
“Who broke your heart, oh you’re so in pain, you’re so bitter.”
Besides, I could’ve broken their heart bitch I think the idea that I’m some sort of broken
human being because I’m single is kind of rude, you’re kind of deciding I’m damaged
or traumatised Yes, we’ve all had a broken heart it just
part of life isn’t it, but that’s not the reason I’m single
I don’t think you should give anyone the power to be like, you broke my heart and now
I’m ruined forever.
The last boy that broke my heart was the last guy I was talking to on Tinder, I can’t
remember his name, but I loved that guy!
Hearts are strong as hell.
Yeah, it’s been beating for all these years.
“Don’t you feel sad?”
No.
Nice and easy answer: “No.”
I’m only sad on a Sunday afternoon when I’m hungover and horny and do you know how
I get over that sadness?
Go on.
I get on Tinder and I Tinderoo delivered to me
I feel very fulfilled because it’s given me time to know myself and grow into myself,
I’m not distracted by getting to know someone else, I’m figuring myself out.
I’m single, it’s cool, it’s fine, I’m not sad, get on with it.
I think that yeah, you’re completely right, I think that there’s a negative connotation
to being single.
I’m quite happy.
Yeah same...look at, we’re happy!
Smiles all round.
Its like you just don’t want the ag..
Don’t want the ag, the aggravation.
We be free.
We be free!