Because I am so serious abut this, I don't see
married men anymore.
If I see a man and there's a ring on his finger, pfft,
don't see him. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It becomes the outline of a human, Peter Pan's shadow.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Why do I need to see the face of a dick I can't use?
That's stupid. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[cheering and applause]
- I was in New York and a married man came up to me
and asked for directions and I went, "Tell your wife!"
He didn't need that. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- He was lost in New York, he just wanted help.
But then I looked down at his phone and I saw
that the Maps app was open. What?
Sir. I don't know more than a satellite.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I might be a big bitch, but I don't orbit the Earth,
call your wife!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Very serious about this. I'm a problem, okay?
Y'all remember that movie, "The Predator"?
That he would see a target and the numbers would come up
on the side?
That's what I'm doing, 'cause now I look at men
like men look at women, I'm a problem.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It's what I do all day, see a dude, "Oh he's kinda cute,
"oh, he's got a nice outfit, wait, is he [unintelligible],
beat it, you, over here."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Oh, he's kinda cute for a dude with skinny jeans,
"wait, is he paying for PVR for wet money?
Broke, no, I'm not doing this." - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I gotta be careful 'cause my mama told me
if I come home with ugly grandkids,
she ain't messing with 'em.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - I got a black mama, okay?
She said, "I'll put hats on the martians and send them back,
do not play with me." - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause I'm out here, on the road,
touching men to see if they have a strong back.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I don't know what that means.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I'm in heat, y'all understand the difference?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I can say the only thing that's good about
living in New York,
is I'm trying to get me one of these fine Jewish menses.
- [cheering and applause]
- I don't know why.
I don't know why. I can't tell you.
Maybe it's 'cause I love the Lord.
I don't know. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Okay?
'Cause Old Testament God is my favorite God,
'cause he played no games. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "I told y'all stop doing this dumb sh--I told you--
"you know what? Flood the Earth!
Try me again. Try me again."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] [applause]
- Old Testament God is a black parent, so I understand.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Or maybe it's 'cause I wanna know what happens
when an Afro and a Jewfro meet. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I wanna see the beautiful head of hair
that will exfoliate me as I give birth.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- When I truly think about it, right?
When I truly get into it, get truly in touch
with what's going on in here.
It's really 'cause they're circumcised.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - As a rule.
You never think you're gonna catch one that's not,
'cause that's just how they do it, right?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - 'Cause I don't know
if anyone here has ever had the misfortune...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- ...of seeing an uncircum-- Hmm...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - [exhales]
- [laughing continues]
- Of seeing an uncircumcised dick, oh, God.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Every time I see one I'm like,
"Sir, why did your parents hate me?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Why am I rolling this dick down like gym socks,
who sent you?" - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It's a dick or a burrito to go, what's happening, sir?!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause they out in New York, you know, they're like
cage-free, free-range, out and about.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- In your coffee shop, writing screenplays, you know.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I didn't interact with a lot of Jews growing up
'cause I grew up in Atlanta so they kept themselves
in a safe place.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So all I really have to go off of is, you know,
curly hair, dark features, and anxiety.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So I've been playing this fun game in New York
I like to call "Jewish or Italian"
'cause I don't know. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause you know, I'll be out and about,
you know at bars and stuff, 'cause apparently
that's where men go. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause I asked my homeboy, like, "Hey, I wanna meet a man."
He was like, "You gotta leave your house,"
and I was like, "Oh, no."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Did you know you can't meet the love of your life
in your house watching murder mysteries,
did you know that? - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause the Uber eats man is always married,
I can promise you that. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So sometimes I'd be out and about at these bars, right?
I think I picked up God's chosen people,
and go home with him, 'cause I'm a lady.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And we get naked, 'cause that's how sex works.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I'm standing there, you know, just...naked.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I look over...
and his dick still has clothes on.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[laughing continues]
- Curly hair. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Dark features. Uncircumcised.
Tsk, this bastard's Italian. Dammit!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I gotta start asking for last names, that's on me.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]