[Intro music]
[Character names in CAPS are the narrator's impression of the voice]
MITCH: Manly, but oblivious.
STEPHANIE: Condescending, with a lisp.
LOGAN: A poor Australian accent.
CODY: Airheaded man-child.
CAROLINE: High-strung shrieking.
NEELY: Sea witch.
MOM BUCHANAN: Precocious old lady.
HOBIE 2: 90s kid.
[Intro music]
[Narrator] Hi, I am Allison Pregler.
We've recently had a string of very silly
chuckle worthy episodes of Baywatch and Baywatch Nights folks
and what isn't humorous about the Beach Boys, mime Mitch and various vaguely ocean related deaths.
I tell you what isn't funny though, and that's degenerative brain diseases.
I'm here to talk to you about a very serious topic:
This disease comes on suddenly, meaninglessly and will soon be done away with because it isn't convenient to the plot anymore.
If you or a loved one are suffering from Emmy Alzheimer's please call this number:
It's a very special Baywatch. Enjoy!
[Cow bell]
Ah! Feel that Emmy fever!
Hm, it was nice of them to let Johnny Danger out of jail so he can experiment with drinking and driving other vehicles.
Stephanie and Cody are swimming like right next to them and do nothing, but they don't have time for that.
There's an Olympics to train for!
[CODY] I'm going to be a gold medal! But wait, is that what I really want?
[Cody] I know it's what my parents really wanted
And sometimes I'm not sure it's what I want.
[STEPHANIE] Listen. I was never able to fulfill my Olympic dreams and this is my chance to live vicariously through you,
so don't screw this up, you wang!
[Narrator] Poor stupid, moldable, Cody. Forever somebody else's puppet.
[Donk!]
[CODY] Deputy Cody to the rescue!
[STEPHANIE] I grade this save an F-minus.
[Narrator] The girl might be safe now
but Cody bought a sheriff's badge at the dollar store and he's got a mind to catch those drunken boaters.
[Stephanie] That's not our job. We're lifeguards, not law enforcement.
[MITCH] Pfft! That's what you think!
[Narrator] Stephanie's right though, it's not their job to take the law into their own hands.
Unless, of course, It involves undercover pirate stings or avenging your sister's future cheating fiancés' attempted murder.
[Narrator] Mitch brings his mom home
and--I don't know guys--maybe he should have given Hobie some clothes other than his gigantic hand-me-downs for this special occasion.
[Mom Buchanan] Hobie, I didn't know you cooked!
[Hobie] Actually, I don't. Dad just taught me how to order takeout. [Chuckles]
[Hobie] Ice cream!
[Stephanie] Ah! Thank God.
[Hobie] Jalapeño flavor!
[Narrator] Bad continuity: forgetting Hobie's 15-minute dream of being a chef? Or perhaps ...
[Dun-dun-duuuuun!]
... foreshadowing!?
[Chuckles] Well at least someone is classing up this product placement!
And lest you forget Baywatch Nights is going on, Baywatch is gonna slip in another subtle reminder.
[Mom Buchanan] One who's now holding down a nighttime as well as a daytime job.
And as a private eye as well.
[Narrator] Check out this look of contempt. You can feel the disdain oozing off of him.
But I'm sure Mom Buchanan would rather focus on her son's shameful new career she's grateful her late husband wasn't around to see
than some of her embarrassing recent faux-pas.
Among other things, turns out she accidentally boarded the wrong plane.
Not sure how that happened since, like, airplanes check the tickets and stuff.
But whatever. Point is lots of little things are adding up and Mitch is concerned.
Many questions are raised but at least one mystery is solved and that's the origin of Mitch's creepy laugh:
[Mom Buchanan] Hah! Hahahaha [repeat]
[Narrator] Mitch isn't the only one playing detective. Cody is hot on the trail of what makes Coca-Cola so darn delicious.
[CODY] Is it magic? Is it dreams? How do you bottled that?
[Narrator] But first, he's gonna help Caroline with her workout routine.
[Caroline] CJ decides to go gallivanting off in Paris with Matt and I'm stuck without a workout partner.
[Cody] Not anymore!
[CODY] Let's get hot and sweaty pal! Buddykins! Friendoroni!
[Narrator] So either Cody is actually a mastermind or the dumbest man who ever lived. It's hard to tell.
[CODY] Believe me, I get called a dumbbell all the time, so I know what I'm talking about.
Let's get rid of these little baby things and you can get started on some 200 pounders.
[CAROLINE] AYHHHHHH!
[LOGAN] Oy! I'm justifiably upset that Cody's grinding up on my girlfriend
even though I'm not really any better and we're equally unlikable.
[NEELY] Hmm, just let me send my bitch vibes their way!
[CODY] Take back what you said about Bob the Builder. I'll kill you!
This is completely reasonable no matter what the actual context is in the episode!
[NEELY] The spell is cast!
[CAROLINE] No one could possibly get jealous because of this!
[LOGAN] Oy! Let's just essentially do the same scene over again.
[NEELY] The spell is cast!
[Narrator] Logan is so evil he doesn't pass along a phone message to Cody when he asked for updates on the drunken boaters.
Diabolical!
Dead parents? Naw! Being angry at Logan is the motivation Cody needed to get back into the Olympic spirit.
And then his story comes full circle.
[Cody] Gasp!
[Comedy noise]
[CODY] Phew! Good thing the Olympics doesn't score you on bad luck!
[Thunk!]
[ADR] I had an accident!
[LOGAN] Oy! This never would have happened if I just passed along that phone message!
[Narrator] Cody took a big risk Freediving to save one of the boaters.
Mainly a risk to Stephanie's ego.
[Stephanie] You know, you could have blown out your ears or your lungs
which would have ruined your chances for the Olympics.
[STEPHANIE] And then how would I have looked? Like a big boob! And I'm not talking about the good kind.
[Narrator] Neely, however, is more comforting.
[Neely] Cody you're gonna be just fine.
[Ominous music]
Be fine
[Narrator] Seriously, why is she like an evil ocean sorceress this episode?
Not one to pass up an opportunity for mischief,
Neely decides to use Logan's bad phone etiquette as blackmail for later.
She sort of had that fashion scheme cheating thing as dirt on him already,
but I guess you can never have too many blackmail schemes up your sleeve.
So, who are we supposed to be rooting for?
Cody, who is either intentionally or unintentionally hitting on everyone's girlfriends?
Caroline, who's got the hots for Cody?
Logan, who's insanely jealous of everyone who cheats that isn't him?
Or Neely? Who already made out with Cody
but I guess just likes to be a shit stirrer.
[MITCH] And then that's when the fake Scottish lady was strangled to death by the painter
who was obsessed with my psychic friend Destiny.
[Choking noises]
[Chuckles]
Just a fun story to tell the other kids. Later scamps!
[Narrator] Well, after Mom Buchanan forgets where Hobie's school is,
Mitch Convinces her to have some testing done.
You guessed it: It's Emmy Alzheimer's!
[MOM BUCHANAN] My one solace is that at least I'm losing a lifetime of memories to a good cause.
Baywatch will finally receive the Emmy it deserves!
[MITCH, tearfully] Yeah, mom. It definitely will.
[Mom Buchanan] One of my very favorite films was Pollyanna ...
... was always playing the glams ... was dumb but then the whole village started playing ...
... always find something to be glad about.
[HOBIE] Jeez, I gotta get out of here!
[LADY] Hello, I'm Douglas Schwartz's wife and I wrote the episode. Can you help me with directions?
[MOM BUCHANAN] Oh, no! That's caused my Emmy Alzheimer's to flare up!
[Music] No place left to hide/ from the moment of truth/
[Music] The enemy's inside/ The battleground is you!
[DUDE BRO 1] Yo bro, did you catch that Alzheimer's montage on Baywatch last night?
[DUDE BRO 2] You got that right, bro. Epic!
[Narrator] Ah! Emmy robbers! This is one bad day for Mom Buchanan.
[MOM BUCHANAN, crying] Why does my son have to be so embarrassing?
Why can't you be cooler like Buzz, the Beach Boys' best friend?
You're no child of mine!
[Inspirational music]
[Narrator] Mom Buchanan vows to not waste the time she has, to accept help and to make the most out of life.
Mitch has only got two parents. His prospector uncle already died and his father's Emmy cancer was a flop,
but maybe his mother's Emmy Alzheimer's will touch the cold dark hearts of the Emmy committee.
Mitch goes undercover as a gigolo!
[Outro music]