“Can you name all 50 states within two minutes.”
Yes. Next Question.
Alright.
“Imagine you’re in the U.K. Somebody asks you to give them a tinkle on the blower.
What do you do?”
Uh…
Okay, I don’t know what that is, but if you do that you’re probably gonna see 25 years to life in prison.
What is it? Shreeya, are you here?
What is a "tinkle on the blower?"
Give someone a call...
It’s called a tinkle on the blower?
Have you said that here in the States?
Like at work you’re just like, “Give me a 'tinkle on the blower.'”
“If you had to cook Thanksgiving dinner all by yourself with no help from anyone,
would you be able to do it?”
Uh, no. Absolutely not.
I would probably be able to make a turkey sandwich, and then a Toaster Strudel for dessert.
It’d be a good–
I hate turkey by the way.
I think turkey’s overrated. That’s my hot take.
You’re snapping on that?
We’re doing the snaps.
Is this really that divisive? I just think it—
If I— if I told you guys, right here, right now, “Hey guys, guess what?
I got turkey for the entire audience, today.”
- No, you wouldn’t say that!
You would not say that.
No, no, no, no. Don’t do that weird snap shit.
Did you feel exactly what you guys did as soon as I said I got turkey for the entire audience?
You viscerally were like, “What?”
It makes no sense.
We’ve been brainwashed to believe that turkey is the go-to meat.
It’s dry, it’s– it’s wack.
It requires— Yes!
It requires a side piece. Like, it’s the LeBron, but it needs a Kyrie to get the job done.
“But, oh, but with gravy it’ll be able—”
No. I’m talking about as a solo dish.
We should replace turkey with chicken, because everybody loves the fixin’s.
Nobody’s denying the value of the fixin’s.
I say we just replace the main thing and then we’re— our whole starting line-up is good top to bottom.
But the fact that turkey’s the franchise player is fucking stupid.
Sir, would you agree with that?
Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
Thanksgiving’s great though. I really like Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving’s amazing.
Alright, “Are you gonna do any Black Friday shopping this year?”
Um, I actually really love going back home for Thanksgiving and then going to Black Friday
and running into people from high school.
That’s my favorite thing to do.
‘Cause there’s nothing to do in Sacramento.
Like, the mall is the only place. You just go to the mall, you hang out outside of H&M, and then…
You know what I mean? And then you’re like, “Whoa, you’ve changed.”
You guys like Black Friday? I love Black Friday.
Eh?
Do you guys like— Cyber Monday?
What? No. There’s like, no, like— Cyber Monday’s like any day.
Minus— I mean, sure it has deals, but you’re, physically, you’re not doing anything different.
You’re just like, “Alright, I’ll get that, Amazon.”
Um, I used to work, uh, Black Fridays because you get time and a half on Black Fridays.
So, when I was at Office Max, I would do Black Friday—
Don’t laugh at that. That’s not the funny part of this story.
Why you guys hating on Office Max?
Let me live. I used to sell printers at Office Max.
Sell printer paper. Nobody would come in. It was great.
Nobody was going to Black Friday at Office Max.
There would be, like, a couple of weirdos that were like, “Can I have one of the five iPads that you have?
I know you have five.”
And you’d be like, “Alright. Take it.”
There were some hardcore heads.
We’d have like, one Motorola Razr phone. And I’m like, “No one’s gonna come in and get this,”and at 6:01 A.M.,
someone comes in, they’re like, “Where’s the Razr phone?”
“What would the Patriot Act Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon look like?”
Alright, in my mind, this would be the funniest. If, like, we took over the, like the Macy’s Parade,
but it was all just autocrats.
So you’d see, like, Snoopy, but then you’d see MBS, Duterte, Modi, like, it’s just like, freaking people out.
Just these giant floating autocrats.
“What is your favorite Christmas movie?
What is Najme’s favorite Christmas movie?”
Um, I like, uh— my Christmas rotation would be, like, Home Alone.
Right? One and Two. We gotta do One and Two.
Don’t do Three. Don’t bother with Three.
Love Actually. That’s a good one.
Right? Watch that with wifey, right? Love Actually is fun.
My dad loves Home Alone 2. That’s a classic.
“With the holiday season approaching, do you and Beena have any unique traditions
you want to establish early with your daughter?”
You know, growing up, my parents— we didn’t have a Christmas tree in the house,
but Beena’s family, they have a Christmas tree— and I love Christmas. Christmas is fucking great.
You guys celebrated Christmas growing up?
- Yeah, it’s awesome.
I’m super envious of it.
‘Cause being at home, being Muslim, you’re just at home and none of your friends can go out—
You’re just literally at home, none of your friends can come out and play.
Right? You’re like, “Hey, can you come out?” And they’re like, “No...
I’m with my family. What are you doing?”
And I’m like, “We’re just like, staring at each other.”
Everything’s closed, you can’t do anything.
Yeah, there’s basketball all day long. But, yeah, you’re just sitting there.
You want, you know… interaction.
Don’t perpetuate the stereotype that we just want to sit in the living room and…
Really?
Yeah, so are you gonna change the— are you gonna change the cycle now?
She had an outfit?
Oooh. The way you said that, you were like, “She had a fit. She was dressed up as Santa.
She changed.”
You know how like, when we get older, our parents like, chill out?
She didn’t like it?
The Christmas tree was the tipping point?
Damn.
Dude, I love Christmas. It’s the best.
So that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna have a Christmas tree. I don’t care.
We’re gonna do a Christmas tree. Pure corporate. I don’t care.
“As someone who can relate to often have their name mispronounced, I have a challenge for you.
How would you pronounce the name 'Sssst?'”
Okay. It’s S-S-S-S-T.
Okay. This question comes from…
It’s not from Sssst. It’s from Qiturah.
Qiturah? Q-I-T-U-R-A-H. Qiturah. Got it.
When you had Sssst next to Qiturah, I’m like, “What’s going on?”
Yeah, part of me was like, “Are you Sssst?”
Sssst. Sssst.
Wait, wait. You know the answer, right?
Sssst. Okay. So I’m gonna guess, here we go.
Sssst.
Okay. Sst.
Sss-tuh.
Sat.
Ryan.
Okay, what is it?
Forest?
What— what?
Ooooh. That’s not a thing! No.
Nah, that’s mad like—
No, that’s fucked up.
Qiturah, I thought this was like a cultural moment where you were like—
“There’s an ancient Brazilian civilization that— they’re the Ssssts.”
Forest. Did you see that coming? - Five.
Four-St.
Dude, I got set up bad.
Alright, this is a good one. “Would you rather burn your collection of Jordans
or have no beard for life.”
Keep the Jordans?
And shave?
Nah, I gotta shave.
No, you know what? Because I saw Donald Trump, Jr.
He’s fucking up the beard.
You gotta shave, you gotta shave.
We gotta shave.
Dude, have you seen him with the beard? It’s— it, it made me go like, “Dude, I gotta go clean shave.”
I mean, it would be like—
It would be Patriot Act hosted by a thirteen year old. I look— I look like a child.
Alright, we’ll do one last— one not off the cards, just— anyone have a question?
Alright, let me think.
Here, what’s up?
What?! Alright, what’s up, what’s up?
I’m not gonna do that.
That’s like, “What do I like most about myself, I’m so glad you’re asking as I stand on this stage.”
Come on. This is a trap. This is a trap.
Okay, what’s up, man?
Ooooh.
Yeah, I get pretty close every time. I, I do the, like, the little duck
but I’ve never done it. Now you’re going to make me feel very self conscious, though.