our next guest is uh was seen all last month on rodney dangerfield's hbo special and can
be seen in person on october 12th at the comedy works in denver colorado
please say hello folks to a young man who's taken far too many blows to the head
comedian jeff altman i'm really good nice to have you here
oh boy i'm so good what's the matter do you see a little fly or a pad of keith in my nose right now
sit down there's nothing there's a bat there's a big bat in my nose just sit down there's nothing
nothing in your nose small pair of pliers there's no place yeah all right you look
good you look like you just had a meal just had a big meal day even if you have
it when you go out what do you have oh a butt steak i'll have a 20-pound butt steak
you know not no garnish no fries just a 22 pound buck steak yeah and uh yep a butt steak
this is the end of the cow i see it you're not talking about a flank steak that a guy would
roll up or anything are you flank yeah yeah would it be like it's a buck steak a big big butt steak
how do you like that to cook though well i you know a lot of the kids i go over to
the kid's house they'll offer me you know nachos and that crap but i don't eat that
just want a 22 pound buck steak do you see a hamburger nothing in your nose please
just have a seat i'm sorry yeah so you had a pretty good meal oh great great yeah great
delicious yeah but can we get serious for a second whatever you want okay
i had something very very strange happening i heard about this and i don't believe this is true
well it is if i could just take a second to tell you about it i'm sure folks here here have had
somebody come to their door you didn't want somebody menacing horrible solicitor or something
this was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life i'm getting ready to take a shower
i got a towel around my waist knock on the door i open the door just i live out in san fernando
valley i crack the door like this i'm looking at a guy dressed up completely like santa claus time
of year this was two days ago oh so i said what do you want he goes uh i have i have a
promotional copy of my album here's my album i said i want to hear he pulls it out of a sack
i said i don't want you he says oh yeah it's it's me and my monkey
the guy's dressed up like so i think i don't want to i start closing the door and as i do it
he puts the album over said and like automatically his fly unzips and a small gibbon crawls out
small monkey a given a given oh a baby gibbon it's not like a butt steak is it not a butt steak
not like a butt steak is there a part on a given that could be identified as a butt
steak well you can have a given snake yeah but calls out literally crawls out and i'm i'm i'm
terrified i feel the guy and the guy's monkey climbs right out of his pants and i said sir
i i said get him out of my house now he's in your the monkeys
no the man in the santa claus is standing there and he looks in my face and goes just like this
i've got this didn't really happen i swear to i said come on in the house get the monkey out the
monkey's running around urinating on furniture it's hard okay all right he comes and he gets
the guy the monkey the monkey the santa claus i said sir if you don't get out now i'm gonna
call the police i pick up the phone like this he runs into my living room and i tackled him
his head hit the wall he was out like a cold yeah i took off the beard it was merv griffin
no i i'm not i have proof i have absolutely i have absolute proof hal
that's not true i have proof hal can you show this thing
merv griffin griffin yeah you know i like to get ready for the holidays extra early
and this year is really something special because i'm releasing a new christmas album with my new
singing partner anyway a few days ago i was out in the san fernando valley handing out those uh
promotional copies of my album and i approached this house i rang the bell and she said i was
about to hand the album to somebody somebody punched me out decked me well i was out cold
when i came to there was jeff altman that is pretty strange isn't it wait wait wait a minute
just a second now what about the monkey and coming into the house and running around and going nuts
and stuff okay what monkey the monkey that jumped out of your santa suit oh that monkey oh i thought
that belonged to you no no no no no no no and also what is that what is that noise oh that knot yeah
yeah i don't know i have uh had that for years but they have that cut off button and the control
room so the audience never heard it 23 years no one heard it no one ever heard it now yeah but
i have to return this hat i promised the rental you know thanks jeff yeah yeah uh i'll be doing it
yeah you and merv there oh yeah i couldn't believe it he was just out he was dreaming and saying
things and watching cartoons watching cartoons so what else you've been doing in your spirit
i'm handling a fighter now i'm handling a guy who's coming along he's going to fight uh
yeah i'm handling if his name is leonard moon uh-huh and he's going to be fighting mike
tyson soon oh i haven't got his hands full well he's also trying training to he's going to be a
baseball player he's training for the to be in the mets next year he's doing both at the same time
here is leonard moon my name is leonard moon and i don't have the brains of an ice cube yeah
i'm ready for larry holmes or even his brother mobile home
pretty soon i'm writing my own book on therapy it's called you're okay i'm k.o
so what uh where are you going for dinner what do you think you'll have for dinner tonight well
uh i'm gonna go out and ride like a nice not small i don't want a tiny one i don't
want anything like a little wendy's or any of that crap i want a nice big butt steak
all right well uh we're gonna do what are we doing a commercial we'll do a commercial we'll
be right back here with jeff okay where are you gonna be quickly we gotta go here we gotta
go we gotta go okay uh george miller and i are performing the comedy works in the denver show
on october the 12th get those tickets now have a nice weekend folks one more quick
leviton you're on an island good night everybody thank you
you