- Our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby
more than anyone else in our lives,
more than anyone in our family.
She hinted about it constantly.
Every room she walked into, she'd be like,
"So this could be an office,
(audience laughs)
"or maybe a nursery."
Yeah, ha ha, no, like we said,
we don't know if we're gonna have--
"No, no, I know, I know.
"You don't know if you're gonna have them, but you know.
"You know, you never know.
"Sometimes you don't know what's gonna happen and then,
"you know, something happens."
Well yeah, that's how all of life works.
"Okay, all right, okay, all right."
"This is an on-fire garbage can."
(audience laughs)
"Could be a nursery."
(audience laughs)
She showed me a backyard once, she goes,
"I don't even like this backyard for you."
I was like, oh do tell.
She said, "it's all pavement.
"I think you should have some grass out there.
"You know, in case you have a couple little guys,
"running around in the grass."
And I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids.
I was like hey, lady,
I went outside about as much as Powder,
from the movie "Powder".
My children are not gonna be playing out on grass,
they will be up in their rooms playing violent video games
and cat-fishing pedophiles.
These are my children, and that's my wife!
(audience cheers and applauds)
I didn't mean to make it sound like we don't want children.
We don't, but I didn't mean to make it sound like that.
See, I just don't think babies like me very much.
Sometimes babies will point at me
and I don't care for that shit at all.
Like, I'll be on an elevator
and a baby will be there in its big stroller activity tray,
just working on one Cheerio,
with Bobby Fischer like intensity, like...
(audience laughs)
And it'll look up at me and go.
I like to lean in and go stop snitching, motherfucker
and then walk off. (audience laughs)
'Cause you're never too young to learn
our national no snitching policy.
(audience laughs and applauds)
My friends have babies and I don't do so well with them.
I had a run in with a two year old girl,
I know there are better ways to start that story, but...
(audience laughs)
My friend Jeremy has this two year old girl,
and I really like her.
She's a sweet kid, I really like his daughter a lot,
but I was over at his family's house for the 4th of July
and he had his daughter on his knee
and it was a very lovely day,
his whole extended family was there,
and he was bouncing his two year old up and down
and he pointed at me, and he said to his two year old,
"do you know who that is?
"That's your Uncle John."
And I was like, oh my god, that's so sweet,
I'm her Uncle John.
And then they baby pointed at me
and said, "Uncle John has a penis."
(audience laughs)
I thank you for laughing because no one did that day.
(audience laughs)
Fell deadly silent is what they all did.
Hey, do you know what you're supposed to say
when a baby points at you
and knowingly says "he has a penis"?
No, I'm asking
'cause I don't know what to say in that situation.
Here's what I went with that day.
I said, oh, come on.
(audience laughs)
I dunno, I thought that'd be good.
But then it just made it worse
'cause it sounded like the baby and I
had an arrangement not to talk about it
and she had violated my trust.
Like the baby had been like, "do you have a penis?"
and I was like, yes I do,
but you're a baby so discretion is key,
and then the next day she goes, "he has a penis"
and I go, oh come on!
Someone can't keep a secret.
Luckily Jeremy's wife saved the day.
The baby's mom saved the day.
She came in, and she picked up the baby,
and she was like, it's okay,
she's just going through that phase
where she says penis and vagina a lot.
Aren't we all?
And by the way, it would have been
a totally different situation
if the baby had said vagina.
Like, if a grown woman had walked in the room
and the baby had been like, "she has a vagina!"
the woman could be like, "yes I do, and it's magnificent,"
and we would all be like, hooray!
You are brave!
No one wants to applaud the penis of a 32 year old weirdo.
(calm pop music)