Like many of you, I stayed up last night watching the first presidential debate, and I am tired.
So tired… Kids, I can't do this today. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put on a movie.
Dammit! Fine, I'll do my job or whatever. Last night's debate was over an hour and a
half of very little substance, but a lot of yelling. It was the first time I felt grateful
I can't spend Thanksgiving with my whole family this year. I mean, they'll be together, but
I'll be eating cranberry sauce out of a can in the dark. Even before the debate, it felt
like everything that could go wrong would go wrong—like when Hillary Clinton revealed
to America she's using the free version of Zoom.
- He has been uncommonly—some might even say uniquely—beholden to Russia.
Even worse, her internet was slow because Bill was in the den torrenting American Pie
Presents: Band Camp. It's his favorite. One of the most infuriating parts of last night's
debate was that Chris Wallace committed beforehand to not do any fact-checking as moderator.
It allowed the president to mist the air with complete and total bulls***.
- I paid millions of dollars in taxes. Millions of dollars of income tax. Take a look at West
Virginia, mailmen selling the ballots. I'm all for electric cars. I have given big incentives
for electric cars. Where you called them super-predators. African Americans. “Super-predators.”
Portland, the sheriff just came out today and he said, “I support president Trump.”
- Masks make a big difference. - Dr. Fauci said the opposite. He said very
strongly masks are not good. Insulin, I'm getting it for so cheap, it's like water.
They want to take out the cows. Okay, to be fair, we do want to take out the
cows… to dinner! This show was written last night at 2:00 AM. As vicious as Trump's lies
and insults were, Biden responded with… the sweetest lil’ comebacks you ever did
see. - Will you shut up, man? Keep yappin' man.
It's hard to get any word in with this clown. Will he just shush for a minute?!
Joe, friend, listen. You are doing great. But there are two more presidential debates.
And we really need you to toughen up next time. And the only way to do it is to hire
the scariest, meanest people in America: two teen girls who just got back from shopping
at Aeropostale. They will break you down so hard you won't even know where the pieces
are. Throughout the evening, Chris Wallace struggled to keep Trump under control, by
repeating the same phrase over and over. - But first, Mr. President. Mr. President,
can you let him finish? Mr. President, we're talking about the economy. No, Mr. President.
I'm asking you a question. Wait a minute! Mr. President. Mr. President? Mr. President.
Mr. President. Mr. President. Mr. President. Mr. President. Mr. President, please! Mr.
President! It's an open discussion, please! It was the first time in history a moderator
has ended a debate with the question "why won't God just let me die?" But somehow during
the constant barrage of interruptions, Joe Biden did successfully call out Trump's utter
failure to respond to COVID-19. - This is the same man that told you by Easter
this would be gone away. By the warm weather it’d be gone, miraculous, “like a miracle.”
And by the way, maybe you could inject some bleach in your arm, that would take care of
it. This is the same man. - That was said sarcastically. You know that.
First of all, he absolutely didn't say it sarcastically. Second, the President of the
United States doesn't need to be sarcastic. The president isn't f***ing Chandler from
Friends. Although I kind of wish he were, because then could there be any more peace
in the Middle East? Trump also insisted his rallies were somehow free from the rules of
science and germs. - President Trump, you are holding large rallies
with crowds packed together, thousands of people. Are you not worried about—
- Well so far, we have had no problem whatsoever. Yeah! The Trump campaign has had no problem
whatsoever with COVID. Oh! Except for when it killed Herman Cain. In fact, when it came
to coronavirus, Trump's biggest concern was… mask size?
- He could be speaking 200 feet away from him and shows up with the biggest mask I’ve
ever seen. Ugh. Another lie. The biggest mask I've ever
seen is the one Mr. Met wears for games. Yeah, he's a baseball, but he's not stupid. Don't
you care he has a family? Is this all a joke to you? Of course, coronavirus isn't the only
issue Americans are facing right now, which is why Chris Wallace asked the candidates
to speak on another serious subject. - You each are going to have two uninterrupted
minutes. In those two uninterrupted minutes, Mr. President, you can say anything you want.
I'm going to ask a question about race. Oh, no no no no no. Do not tell Trump to "say
anything he wants about race." Not only will it be wrong and deeply offensive, but Mark
Burnett will have to spend hours erasing the tapes. By far, the night's most significant
and disturbing moment came when Chris Wallace asked Donald Trump to condemn white supremacy.
- Are you willing, tonight, to condemn white supremacists and militia groups and to say
that they need to stand down? - Proud Boys, stand back and stand by!
"Stand back and stand by" is a horrifying thing to say to a group of white supremacists.
Even more horrifying than when Trump yells it out to the Secret Service as he's waging
war on the Air Force One bathroom. Almost instantly, those words—“stand back and
stand by”—were treated as a rallying cry for white supremacists, with one member of
the Proud Boys interpreting it as a call to violence. It's not f***ing hard to condemn
white supremacy. All you have to do is say "I condemn white supremacy!" That's it! You
know what? You can even tack something on the end, like, "Check out my mixtape!" or,
"Go Sox!" It doesn't matter, just f***ing condemn it. After 96 excruciating minutes,
most of us didn't change our minds about which candidate we supported. But I do think we
all felt a lot like this: [screaming]
This debate was so bad, it even broke the news.
- That was a hot mess inside a dumpster fire inside a train wreck.
- I just don’t know what the hell that was that we just saw.
- That was the worst debate I've ever seen. - I mean, it was a complete disaster on all
fronts. - What a dark event we have just witnessed.
- I'm just gonna say it like it is. That was a s***show.
Dana Bash felt so disillusioned, she turned the CNN newsroom into her own microbrewery.
Look, I know this debate was sad and painful. And not just because it made me forget to
vote for Love Island. That vote matters too! And say what you will, but Love Island has
a voting system that actually works. But beyond the shouting, the fighting, and the interrupting
was a president who refused to accept the results of the election and encouraged his
followers to go to the polls and intimidate voters. That's why we need to f***ing vote.
We need a blue wave like it's the end of f***ing Deep Impact. Because if we don't, Trump is
the bird and we are the kid.