I want us to like walk around
And like--
This is my life now.
Yeah, so what's it like, man?
Yeah?
She's almost two?
She's almost two.
Yeah.
It's the most beautiful and horrific thing
that has ever happened to me in my life.
Wait, what's the-- (laughing)
Well, think about it.
It's like a TV series that never ends.
You know how "Lost" by, like, season sev--
when the polar bears in "Lost" came out
and you go, we got to end this right now.
It doesn't work like that.
They're like, this is a renewal forever.
Yeah.
The "Deadline" article dropped.
It's renewed forever. And it's yours.
But that's exciting.
Which is beautiful, yeah.
Yeah.
"Farm to table." (chuckling)
But okay, so she's two, like should we get her
Yeah.
Do you read any of these books?
This is the rotation, yeah.
I mean, you remember this from our childhood, right?
My memory is trash.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
So, should I have kids so I can remember what
That part is dope.
But what sucks? Like, what's horrific?
Like, I'll show you in here
what I think is horrific.
(Phoebe) The gas passer.
To help-- have you ever had to use this?
You talking about putt-putting and all that stuff?
Yeah.
Yeah, but you put this up the...
Yeah. We've had to use this.
And they say, "Listen for the whistle"?
(laughing) Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, okay, the first time--
Now this, we do have.
There's something about the pacifier and the weight,
like the animal being there, for whatever reason,
it's better than just a regular-ass pacifier.
Oh, so this whole thing hangs from the mouth.
Oh, that's so cute.
Yeah, it's cute to us, but the fact that there's...
Yeah.
It's called a WubbaNub.
Yeah, and the fact that there's something here, hanging,
Yeah.
Yeah, we definitely have to buy this.
Yeah.
Yeah, you got your DNA on it.
Don't put it back, don't put it back.
Don't put it back? (laughing)
(Phoebe) I know your "supes monogs." I am too.
Okay.
Uh, but is there a hall pass?
'Cause my boyfriend and I, we have a hall pass.
That's bullshit. That's not a real thing.
It's tru... It is real! We have it.
But you're already at that level.
"New York Times" best-seller.
You're gonna... you could use your hall pass.
So you, you never had a hall pass?
Yeah.
I don't want to know and I'd be too jealous.
I'm jealous. I'd get jealous.
Of course!
So, if her hall pass was Freddie Prinz, Jr...
and then one of these days,
we're at Trader Joe's and she runs into Freddie.
Right. I see what you mean.
Yeah. Okay.
And then I'm, I'm what?
I'm back home changing diapers?
So you go to Freddie for pound town,
and I'm here to be your what?
She comes back from Trader Joe's.
I'm stocking up all the black bean
and cheese burritos that I know you like
'cause I've known you for 20 years!
But you're gonna go smash Freddie Prinze Jr.
from the 1998 hit film, "She's All That"?
You're gonna do that to me?
People think you're actually yelling at me right now.
(laughing)
I don't-- this is how real love is.
I'd be like, "you don't know
"you just cheated on the host
of MTV's 'Failosophy'"?
How could you do--
(laughing)
We're not doing that.
Okay.
There's no hall pass.
I should not have asked this question.
Yeah.
It's locked down. We solved it.
My rule's like this,
you can think it, you cannot act on it.
This is the "People's Republic of Monogamy."
Follow the rules.
Follow the rules and we can go far.
We can go the distance.
He kinda makes, like, parenting
seem pretty cool and chill and awesome,
but that has to be a trap, okay?
What's happening when the camera's not on, all right?
That's what I want to know, so we got some
real, live babies in the mix
and... mm-hmm.
Do you think you want a lot of kids?
Yeah, right.
Your face, "Uh, no."
Yeah.
We're not using condoms, so things happen.
Raw doggin'!
Has anyone said "raw doggin'" in Buy Buy Baby?
I'm sorry, parents.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Maybe talk me into being a mommy,
but I haven't really spent time with baby babies.
Like, fresh-- yes.
So, should we just bring on a couple babies from the store?
You want to just kidnap babies from the store?
Yeah, let's just-- yeah. We'll give 'em back.
Yeah, let's get these ba--
Oh, my God!
Bring 'em in.
Hi.
Oh, my God, Sofia.
(laughing) Hi. Hi.
You're such a natch.
Can you handle two babies?
You don't like it?
(baby crying)
Oh, no.
Why is your baby like so chill?
I don't know. Know what's crazy?
Yeah.
Like, I want to be witty and charming,
(crying continues)
I'm in the zone with her tempo right now.
This is why I shouldn't be a mom.
I'm not-- yeah.
That's okay.
(Hasan) You gotta get them out of here?
Am I at least doing a good job of holding?
(baby crying)
Get him situated in like a-- yeah, there you go.
Good?
Yeah, here, give him something.
Do you want some water, buddy?
See?
(whispering) I'm a mother(bleep) mommy.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Don't curse, don't curse, don't curse.
Yeah he will.
Okay, so what's like your favorite thing to
do with your daughter when you're just at home?
Is it to read to her?
Is it to do tummy time?
My favorite thing, yeah, is to reach her
Yeah.
After we've changed the diaper.
Diapers are gross. Undeniably gross.
I've never changed a diaper.
You want, you wanna change a diaper?
Yeah. Okay, let's change a diaper.
I am too.
Are we for real gonna do this for the parents?
Are we okay with this?
Hi, buddy.
I'm afraid he's gonna fall.
Hi! Where do you wanna go?
I'll go wherever you go.
Just be hands off.
So you don't worry about germs?
Well, well he's not ours, so it's just like...
Like, how do you keep a baby calm
when they just wanna go ham?
(calmly) It's like, hey, are you okay?
Okay.
(calmly) Hey, buddy.
How's it going?
No, but do it for real. Do it like you care.
No, that's not for real.
Phoebe, that's not for real.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
You can do it.
Oh, see, he not listening to you either.
(excitedly) Gotta get it, you gotta get...
You got this.
(thuds)
We can hang out here for a little.