LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
OF COURSE, IT WAS A BIG DAY FOR DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES.
THE NATION'S FIRST PRIMARY WAS HELD TODAY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.
WOW.
NEW HAMPSHIRE ALREADY.
IT FEELS LIKE THEY JUST STARTED CAMPAIGNING... 600 YEARS AGO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WHILE WE DON'T HAVE FINAL
RESULTS AT THE TIME OF THIS TAPING, IT APPEARS BERNIE
SANDERS IS GOING TO WIN.
AND IF HE DOES, BERNIE PLANS TO SPLURGE ON A BIG PIGEON-FEEDING
TRIP TO THE NEAREST PARK BENCH.
( LAUGHTER ) GOING TO GO ALL OUT.
IT MUST BE FRUSTRATING FOR PETE BUTTIGIEG TO LOSE NEW HAMPSHIRE,
SINCE HE LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE A NEW HAMSTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE STRANGE QUIRKS OF THE
NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY IS THAT SOME VERY SMALL TOWNS ARE THE
FIRST TO VOTE.
AND SHORTLY AFTER MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT
MIKE BLOOMBERG WON IN A PLACE CALLED DIXVILLE NOTCH.
DIXVILLE NOTCH.
I'M JUST AMAZED WE CAN SAY THAT ON CBS.
( LAUGHTER ) "DIXVILLE NOTCH" SOUNDS LESS
LIKE A PLACE AND MORE LIKE SOMETHING JOE BIDEN WOULD SCREAM
AFTER STUBBING HIS TOE.
"DIXVILLE NOTCH!" ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS TRUE-- FIVE RESIDENTS VOTED.
THAT'S RIGHT, FIVE.
AND BLOOMBERG WON WITH THREE VOTES.
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH HIS OPPONENTS ARE
ALREADY TRYING TO SPIN THIS, CALLING BLOOMBERG THE "KING OF
DIXVILLE."
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT A WEIRD TRADITION.
IT SHOULDN'T BE A NEWS STORY THAT SOMEONE WON AN ELECTION
WITH THE SAME NUMBER OF VOTES AS THERE ARE JONAS BROTHERS.
( LAUGHTER ) TWO OTHER NEW HAMPSHIRE TOWNS
VOTED AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT, AND THEY WERE BOTH WON BY AMY
KLOBUCHAR.
BEFORE YOU KLOBUCHAR FANS GET TOO EXCITED, THOSE TWO TOWNS
COMBINED HAVE A POPULATION OF 62 PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) OR AS THE PEOPLE OF DIXVILLE
NOTCH CALL THAT, "THOSE BIG OLE FANCY CITIES."
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK I KNOW WHY SHE WON.
AT THE LAST DEBATE, SENATOR KLOBUCHAR REALLY STOOD OUT AS
THE ONE CANDIDATE WHO DIDN'T SPEND THE WHOLE TIME ANGRILY
POINTING.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO AMY
KLOBUCHAR IS, DON'T WORRY, NEITHER DID ANYONE ELSE UNTIL
TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, SHE'S A SENATOR FROM
MINNESOTA WHO ONCE, AFTER AN AIDE FORGOT TO BRING HER A
FORK FOR LUNCH, ATE A SALAD WITH A USED COMB.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TRUE STORY.
HOW IS A COMB YOUR FIRST THOUGHT WHEN YOUR FINGERS ARE RIGHT
THERE?
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
DISGUSTING, BE DISGUSTING.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE ATE HER SALAD WITH A COMB.
AS OPPOSED TO BERNIE SANDERS, WHO COMBS HIS HAIR WITH A FORK.
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, HERE'S SOME NEWS FROM
MY HOMELAND.
AFTER POLICE OFFICERS IN THE U.K. SEIZED A FOOD DELIVERY
DRIVER'S CAR DURING AN ARREST, THEY NOTICED A BAG OF FAST FOOD
INSIDE.
SO THEY WENT AHEAD AND DELIVERED THE CUSTOMER'S MEAL.
I MEAN, IT IS THEIR JOB TO PROTECT AND SERVE.
"HERE'S YOUR DINNER.
ANYTHING FROM THE DESSERT MENU?" ( LAUGHTER )
TO BE FAIR, MOST OF THE MEAL WAS DELIVERED TO THE CUSTOMER.
SOME OF THE CHICKEN NUGGETS WERE TAKEN BACK TO THE STATION
FOR... "QUESTIONING."
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, HERE'S A STORY FROM
A POSTAL WORKER WAS CAUGHT STASHING MAIL THAT HE'D FAILED
TO DELIVER.
OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR, HE HAD DUMPED OVER 5,000 PIECES OF
MAIL IN A STORAGE UNIT BECAUSE HE "FELT TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO
COMPLETE HIS ROUTE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
I GUESS THIS EXPLAINS WHY I NEVER GOT AN INVITATION TO
OPRAH'BIRTHDAY PARTY.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TERRIBLE TO THINK OF ALL
THAT MAIL IN A STORAGE UNIT AND NOT IN OUR MAILBOXES, THEN ON
THE KITCHEN TABLE FOR A FEW DAYS, THEN EVENTUALLY IN THE
RECYCLING BIN WHERE IT BELONGS.
( LAUGHTER ) 5,000 PIECES OF MAIL STUFFED IN
A STORAGE UNIT.
MOMENT TO PAY TRIBUTE TO SOME OF THE UNDELIVERED MA LOST IN
THIS INCIDENT.
♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )