HEY, LOUIS, WE HAVE FANTASTIC GUESTS TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT-- AND
NOT EVERY LATE-NIGHT SHOW GETS TO SAY THIS: TONIGHT WE HAVE
TREASURY SECRETARY JANET YELLEN IS GOING TO BE HERE.
( APPLAUSE )
THIS, I'LL ALSO SAY THIS-- THIS IS RAY COMPLIMENT TO YOU
PEOPLE-- NOT EVERY LATE-NIGHT AUDIENCE WOULD BE THAT EXCITED
TO HEAR THAT THE TREASURY SECRETARY IS HERE.
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
WE'RE GOING TO FIX THE ECONOMY. WE'RE GOING TO LAUGH, WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE FUN. WE'RE GOING TO FIX THE ECONOMY.
IT'S HAPPENING TONIGHT. YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT THE
INTEREST RATE TO BE, AND I'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN TONIGHT.
.
ROB DELANEY IS HERE. HE'S GOT A BRAND-NEW BOOK.
>> Louis: IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: ARE WE DOING THIS THING?
ARE WE GOING STRAIGHT INTO THIS THING?
ARE WE DOING THIS? FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, EXCAVATING THE NEWS MINES FOR
THE PUREST STORY COPPER AND ZINC, SMELTING IT INTO A TOPICAL
GOLD BRASS, THEN HAND-SHAPING A FLARED 5.75" BELL WITH
SHEET-BRACED TUBING, A WIDE-RADIUS TUNING SLIDE, AND A
THREADED INTEGRAL MOUTHPIECE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE
MONETTE RAJNA B-FLAT TRUMPET THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS-- THIS MAN KNOWS WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT OVER THERE! SOMETIMES, I AM DISGORGED
UNCONSCIOUS FROM A SPILLWAY NEAR A DEFUNCT CONSTRUCTION SITE, RIP
THE GAS NOZZLE OUT OF AN ABANDONED AMBULANCE, JAM IT INTO
AN OLD OIL DRUM AND SLAP ON A MOUTHPIECE MADE OUT OF A TOILET
PAPER ROLL, THEN MARCH THROUGH SOMEONE'S WEDDING HONKING THE
MAKESHIFT DOOM-TUBA OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS. THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS RIGHT
THERE. MEANWHILE, "THE GUINNESS BOOK OF
WORLD RECORDS" AMED THIS 26-YEAR-OLD CAT THE OLDEST
FELINE IN THE WORLD. BUT SHE STILL HAS THE
PERSONALITY OF A KITTEN. OOOH!
THAT'S SWEET, BUT IT'S ALWAYS SAD TO ME WHEN OLDSTERS TRY TO
ACT YOUNG, YOU GET ME FAM? NO CAP.
ZENDAYA. MEANWHILE, I'M SURE WE'RE ALL
ABSOLUTELY GLUED TO THE MAJOR INTERNATIONAL COMPETITION TAKING
PLACE RIGHT NOW IN QATAR. OF COURSE, I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
THE "CAMEL BEAUTY WORLD CUP"! HEY, I DON'T MEAN TO OBJECTIFY,
BUT I'M NOT GONNA PRETEND THEY AREN'T EASY ON THE EYES.
( LAUGHTER )
REGURGITATING ITS CUD. AND THE JUDGES TAKE THIS VERY
SERIOUSLY. APPARENTLY, THEY USE X-RAYS TO
CHECK THAT THE ANIMALS HAVE NOT HAD ANY SURGICAL ENHANCEMENTS.
A SAD NECESSITY AFTER THAT INFAMOUS PLASTIC SURGERY
SCANDAL.
MEANWHILE-- MMM. MMM.
MEANWHILE, IN AN EFFORT TO DESTIGMATIZE THE DISEASE,
THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION HAS RENAMED MONKEYPOX "MPOX."
( LAUGHTER )
THING. IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE "M" STANDS FOR. THAT'S LIKE WHEN THE WASHINGTON
FOOTBALL TEAM BRIEFLY CHANGED THEIR NAME TO "THE WASHINGTON
YOU-KNOW-WHATS."
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE CATCHING ONE OF THREE VIRUSES:
COVID 19, THE FLU, AND R.S.V., WHICH THEY'RE CALLING A
TRIPLEDEMIC. SO I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING
FOR CHRISTMAS: SICK.
"ZOMBIE VIRUS" HAS BEEN REVIVED AFTER 50,000 YEARS TRAPPED IN
THE SIBERIAN PERMAFROST. HEY, SCIENCE, I'VE GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU STUDY NEXT: WHY THE (BLEEP) YOU WOULD DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS )
THE ANCIENT DISEASE IS WHAT'S KNOWN AS A "PANDORAVIRUS"--
NAMED FOR THAT GREEK STORY ABOUT THE BOX THEY OPENED AND
EVERYTHING WENT GREAT.
SUING THE MAKER OF VELVEETA'S MICROWAVABLE MAC & CHEESE
CUPS-- NOT, AS I ASSUMED, BECAUSE IT WAS JUST TOO TASTY
AND NUTRITIOUS. NO, IT'S BECAUSE THE PACKAGING
SAYS "READY IN THREE AND A HALF MINUTES," BUT IT DOES NOT
INCLUDE STEPS SUCH AS TEARING OFF THE LID, ADDING WATER, AND
STIRRING IN THE CHEESE SAUCE. THAT ADDS AT LEAST 15-20
SECONDS, AND THAT'S TIME SHE COULD SPEND SUING HER FAMILY.
IN EXCHANGE FOR THOSE LOST SECONDS, THE WOMAN IS ASKING FOR
MORE THAN $5 MILLION IN DAMAGES. THAT'S A LOT OF CHEDDAR...
IS SOMETHING NO ONE HAS EVER SAID ABOUT VELVEETA.
WILL BE RIGHT BACK