The official 16 second "Milk Life" commercial as aired:
original project intent: 15 minute mini-infomercial
Real Milk vs Almond Milk Ingredients Spelling Bee
Judge: Lecithin
Girl: Lecithin - L E S
Buzzer noise!
Judge: Your word is Milk.
Boy: M I L K
Milk wins! Ingredients you can spell!
Recovered test footage: Words banned from production. And the director's total meltdown.
Director: Okay run the next word. Let’s pull in some stock footage and I’ll read
anything we don’t have video for. Let’s knock these out, and get a rough cut to consumer testing.
Lecithin (take two): a substance first isolated from egg yolk in 1845; also found in cow's milk.
Director: No video for this one, right? Show me the stills, I'll read them.
Most lecithin food additives come from soy or sunflower seeds, with almond milk
brands opting for sunflower lecithin, as soy is often villainized, —okay no bonus points
for clever animations, this is just a stand in. Thank you—or forgoing lecithin altogether.
Many consumers intentionally supplement their diets with plant-derived lecithin for the
purported health benefits.
Despite its bad rap—do people still say “bad rap?” Check with youth outreach—soy
lecithin is still widely utilized as a beneficial and sought-after ingredient to livestock feed,
including farmed fish, pigs, and dairy cattle.
Who proofed this? Was it Jerry? I bet it was Jerry. Whatever we’ll just throw everything
we’ve got at testing and let them decide what to keep. Next word.
Constipation: milk's gift to kids' colons!
Director: What is this?
Director: Okay...just toss in B-roll from some wingnut YouTuber no one will take seriously.
Dr. Michael Greger: Bottom line, for all children with constipation who do not respond to treatment,
a trial of the elimination of cow’s milk should be considered…studies from around
the world have subsequently confirmed these findings, curing up to 80% of kids’ constipation
by switching to soy milk or rice milk. A 2013 study got constipated kids off all dairy and
100% were cured.
Director: That was a physician, Malcolm. Lower the bar next time. Alright next word.
Pus:
Director: *Bleeped expletive* you, Jerry
the disgusting yellowish-whitish goo that oozes from the infected utters [sic: Jerry] of dairy cows;
present in commercial milk.
Director: Roll another YouTuber and find a real freak this time, will you Malcolm?
Emily Moran Barwick: Dairy cows are pumped full of antibiotics and growth hormones, all
of which seep into their milk. In fact, there is an official allowable number of pus cells in milk,
euphemistically referred to as the “somatic cell count.”
In the United States, around 22 million pus cells are allowed per single fluid ounce of
milk with global allowable limits ranging from just under 12 million to 29.5 million.
Director: Better. Okay next.
[Onscreen Text] Prosstate [sic: Jerry] Cancer:
Director: get Jerry on the phone. Can you even use two words phrases in spelling bees?
[Onscreen Text]: an all-natural condition milk helps grow big and strong!
Dr. Michael Greger: They found that cows’ milk stimulated the growth of human prostate
cancer cells in each of 14 separate experiments, producing an average increase in cancer growth
rate of over 30%. In contrast, almond milk suppressed the growth of these cancer cells
by over 30%.
Director: What did I say about the doctor, Malcolm? Oh well if Carol found an online forum
accusations of him cherry picking studies, then we’re covered. Are you seriously expecting
me to trust cat-video-Carol’s academic rigor? No just use it for now. Next word.
[Onscreen Text]: Crib Death [alternate spelling: SIDS]:
Director: Where’s Jerry? Well try him again! Yes I know SIDS is a gimme word for a spelling bee, Malcolm!
[Onscreen Text]: the leading cause of death for healthy infants after one month of age;
especially in super-health [sic: Jerry] milk-drinking infants!
Dr. Michael Greger: Attacks of apnea, where babies temporarily stop breathing, and muscular
atony, where babies go limp, after exposure to cow’s milk…cow’s milk, is also responsible
for triggering pseudo-allergic reactions and other abnormalities seen in crib death.
Director: [heavily sarcastic] Oh this is great. No, I don’t want to hear it, Malcolm.
Don't even look at me. Next.
[Onscreen Text]: Rape Rack:
Director: *bleeped expletive*
[Onscreen Text]: alliterative euphemism used in the dairy industry; the friendly restraints
dairy cows are held in during repeated, forceful inseminations
Director: For god’s sake do not roll actual footage of this. This isn’t the Discovery
Channel. Use neck tattoo again.
Emily Moran Barwick: Cows are mammals, just like us. And mammals produce milk for one
reason: to feed their babies. So in order to have a constant supply of cow’s milk
for human consumption, we need a constant supply of pregnant cows. The restraining apparatus
used to secure the cows is literally referred to within the dairy industry, at least in America,
as a “rape rack.
Director: Has anyone found Jerry? Well go to his house, then! I don’t know, send Carol
if you can peel her away from her in-depth research on keyboard cat’s origins. Next!
[Onscreen Text]: Kidnap:
Director: [under breath] You better hope you’ve been kidnapped, Jerry
[Onscreen Text]: the fun trip baby cows take right after birth so they don’t drink up
the milk cows make for us!
Director: What did I say, Malcolm? Don’t actually show it!!
Emily Moran Barwick: If the calf is a male, he is sent to a veal farm where he is tied
down, unable to move, or locked in a cage where he cannot even turn around until he’s
slaughtered while still only a few weeks old. The daughters of the dairy industry are still
separated from their mothers. But they’re kept around to take their mother’s place
and keep the money machine going and keep the milk flowing.
[Onscreen Text]: Murder:
Director: Malcolm, take notes on this one for when we find Jerry.
[Onscreen text] dairy cow family reunions!
[Onscreen text] Murder:
to bring mothers, sons & daughters together again through the magic of milk!
Emily Moran Barwick: The bodies of dairy cows generally give out at age 4 or 5 and they
are regarded as “spent,” despite their natural lifespan of 20 years or more.
Veal, an industry that even many meat-eaters oppose, wouldn’t exist without dairy. Every
cup of yogurt, every scoop of ice cream and every glass of milk is directly connected
to the deaths of those baby calves.
Director: Well team, you’ve really outdone yourselves this time. No, Malcolm, I don’t
think we got the full 15 minutes. Send whatever we have over to testing. I want Jerry here, now!
I don’t care if Carol’s lost! And someone dump all the milk from catering and
send someone out for soy or almond or rice or whatever!