- This video is gonna show you
how not trying to be impressive to women
is actually gonna make you way more attractive
and it's gonna show you how to actually have magnetic energy
from the inside out.
Now, when it comes to attracting women,
sometimes people believe that they must impress them
in order to receive from them
their love, connection, support.
Or the deeper thing of this that it's really about
is if someone is trying to impress women,
then what is happening is they believe
they must impress women in order to get validation.
Or they believe that in order to receive love,
they must have those qualities and being impressive.
Now, the thing that happens is in dating,
in relationships, in magnetic energy,
the more we try to get other people to like us,
the less they will like us.
If you ever noticed that somebody that doesn't care
whether someone likes them or not
normally gets way more validation,
support, more girls, whatever.
It's because they're not trying.
The more you try, the more you resist.
And the thing when it comes to this topic of today's video
that is really the transformation
is becoming aware of the story that you might have
around love and believing that you need
to impress someone else to gain validation or love.
And the key to this is really being honest to yourself
because for a long time for me,
I had this toxic masculine trait.
It's called people pleasing.
People pleasing is when we try to make someone else happy
or fix them in exchange for their validation,
for their love, for sex,
or for some form of like exchange thing.
The thing with people pleasing is it is manipulation.
It is manipulative
and it is an unattractive masculine trait.
And you have some female, some feminine people,
or females can also have that of the pleasing mentality.
Normally, it comes from, I believe,
not having a strong male figure growing up
that had boundaries, that wasn't trying to please
in order to get normally nice guys.
I think people pleasers may also have dads that were nice.
That's a theory that I have.
But in general,
I was talking to my shadow work integration coach
about this recently
and we were talking about positive
and negative masculine and feminine traits.
And the masculine's job is to protect and serve,
protect and serve.
Now serving doesn't necessarily mean pleasing.
It doesn't mean making them happy.
But to serve somebody else,
sometimes you could serve somebody else
by holding your own strong masculine presence
and letting them feel safe with that.
Actually telling somebody else,
"Hey, this isn't in alignment."
Or, "This isn't a good thing."
Or, "I don't agree with what you're doing."
That can be a way of serving someone else.
Because as the masculine,
you are laying the foundation of a safe masculine container
by being in your values, having a vision,
which allows the feminine to feel safe.
Now the toxic side of this, okay, you got protect and serve.
The toxic masculine side of this
is instead of protect, to control.
You will do this. You won't do this.
Wanting them to call you back,
trying to control their behavior
in order to get your own needs met normally.
That's the toxic side of that.
And then of observe, it's to please.
I'm gonna please you.
I'm gonna make you happy.
And I'll tell you that woman do not find it attractive
to be pleased.
Because then it's having like a little boy
that's gonna do whatever he can to make his mom happy.
That's how it feels.
So the woman isn't able,
the feminine energy isn't able to actually relax
and feel safe.
What they really want is that energy of serving
in the sense that the masculine is being himself,
grounded in that energy.
On the purpose, that also serves the feminine,
for them to be on their purpose,
to have a vision for their life.
So impression though, the thing I wanna really show here
is that wanting to impress someone else
is not understanding that there's this dynamic
of impression versus expression.
Trying to impress is attached to the outcome.
Trying to express is a present moment energy.
So impression is I'm going to impress you
and normally what this stems from is as a kid,
not feeling like mom or dad
we're able to give their love unconditionally.
So there's a belief there that says if I impress you,
then maybe you'll give me that love,
that attention, that support.
And it's based on outcome.
If I am this way, then I will get this outcome
and that outcome is conditional.
So my question to you is do you believe
that in order to give and receive love,
you need to impress in order to receive it?
Because if so, then it's a belief thing.
In almost all of this anyways, it's all about belief,
the story we tell ourselves.
If we believe we must impress in order to get love,
then we're gonna continue to try to impress women.
But the thing is, the more you try to impress,
the more you're attached to outcome,
the more you're trying to control and please
versus protect and serve.
So the game changer here is when we become aware
that the key is to not impress,
to not try to get our own childhood needs met
through somebody else by playing on this old energy dynamic.
Instead of impression,
instead of getting someone else to impress them,
focus on expression,
expressing the real you, expressing your real desires,
also expressing real vulnerability.
Because being vulnerable means
that there's a value that you're living by.
And when you're living by vulnerability,
you allow other people to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability, there's three different types.
There's social vulnerability,
which means the ability to walk up to someone else in public
to introduce yourself,
not afraid of the rejection or the other people judging you.
Vulnerability takes courage. It's attractive.
That will impress women,
but you can't be doing the vulnerability
to impress the woman for the outcome.
You have to do it because it's who you are.
You're the kind of person that walks up to somebody else
that introduces yourself when you see someone you think
you're gonna get along with or like,
or you're attracted to.
The second level of vulnerability is physical vulnerability,
being able to get physically close to somebody else.
Maybe touch them on their shoulder
or their lower back or something.
When I was first shedding the nice guy persona,
and I say persona because being nice isn't real.
Nice, everything we're talking about here by the way
means that normally in childhood,
love was conditional.
If I acted in accordance to this,
then I would receive X, Y, Z.
So being nice is always attached to outcome as well.
The key to this is pulling your energy back
and knowing you don't need this in order to receive love.
You are worthy for you being you.
That's it.
And that helps you to then realize,
okay, how can I be more vulnerable here?
So I was afraid when dating somebody to show them
that I was sexually attracted to them
because I was afraid of rejection.
I was afraid of the outcome of not getting my needs met.
And what I eventually learned to do
is that that was really confusing the situation.
I'd end up dating someone
and then for like a month or two,
they wouldn't know if I was actually dating them
or if I really are attracted to them or not.
And then it would like mess up the energy.
But then eventually I was like,
"Wait, I'm not expressing the real me.
I'm not expressing the authentic part
of like what I really wanna do here."
So then, when I met my girlfriend, for example, in Sedona,
when she came to Sedona, I was very intentional
and showing, oh, I'm actually sexually attracted to you.
Which meant I was physically flirting with her,
which I would've never done before be at that level
because I've been afraid of that rejection.
I'd play it very safe.
Am I pleasing you? Are you okay?
I don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable.
It is a way of polarizing someone
because if you start,
if you make a move on them and they reject you,
then you very quickly are polarizing
to know one way or the other.
But it actually works more so,
it's a good thing to be able to express your emotion.
And then if they aren't receptive to it,
then at least you know,
at least you know when you can either move on
or be able to like just decide who you,
like be yourself, you know?
So that is physical vulnerability.
By the way, the creepiness,
creepiness is when you're doing it
to get somewhere else, right?
You're like touching them
because that's gonna make them sexually aroused.
No, that is not the key.
That is creepy
because you want an outcome from this person.
And instead of wanting the outcome,
flirting is supposed to be a very present moment thing.
It's a dance of energy.
It's like dancing and saying,
"Oh, get to the end result.
Get to the end result."
No, dancing is in of itself a process.
Now that's physical vulnerability.
The third level is emotional vulnerability,
able to express your emotions to somebody else,
how you feel about somebody else.
That could even be verbally
and that could be, "Hey, I'm having a great time with you.
I like you.
I have feelings for you,"
when you're dating someone
to be able to share that eventually.
Maybe not the very first like 10 minutes
of meeting somebody, but you get the idea.
Nice guys and people pleasers are very afraid
of that vulnerability.
They're afraid of expressing the vulnerability
because they don't wanna get rejected.
So the power of everything I'm sharing in this video
and the idea that I really want to hit home
is that the belief system you may have
is that one of two things:
You believe that you either need to impress women
in order to receive love,
or it's a belief that you need to impress women
to get validation.
And the key and the solution to this whole entire thing
is to become aware that that pattern exists,
to become aware of that belief,
and to see that it's something you believed
normally from childhood.
Once you become aware of the belief,
what you can then do is become aware that it's a belief
and then you can realize that that belief is not you.
If you're able to look at your thoughts,
you can see that you think thoughts,
but you're not your thoughts.
And think of it like, "I am not worthy.
I must impress the woman
in order to get love or validation."
That's an identified belief.
But if you realize, "Wait, I'm thinking thoughts.
And I have this memory from childhood
where I had to impress my mom or dad
in order to receive love or validation
and I always believed I wasn't good enough."
Oh, now, you've separated yourself
from the thoughts and the beliefs
and you start to create that distance.
And for me, that meant I had to become aware
that a lot of the nice guy, people pleasing stuff
was toxic masculine stuff that I learned
because my dad is very nice with my ex-stepmom
who is a narcissist, who he eventually divorced,
but when he was with her,
it was this dynamic of him
just kind of like being trolleyed around
and like kind of a leaf in the wind around her
'cause she controlled everything.
And I had to learn, wait,
a lot of these patterns aren't my own.
This is what I learned from our role models growing up.
And maybe you had a nice guy dad
or you had some a soft dad
that maybe wasn't in his own masculine energy
so then there was a certain way
you relate to masculine energy
or you had a mom that was very controlling.
These are all different toxic sides of that energy
to where then we learn
in order to be love I must impress.
I'm not good enough the way that I am.
I must be perfect.
And the key to this is becoming aware
that that's just an outdated belief.
That's just an outdated mechanism
that was being used to get your needs met.
You don't have to use it anymore
and actually it doesn't even work.
It works the opposite.
Instead, focus on you being the real you
and also living by your own values.
For me, I realized I was valuing
other people's validation and approval.
I was valuing things that weren't serving me
in a positive way.
And then what I eventually did
is I became aware of these values
and then I changed my values
to where I started to value authenticity
and vulnerability over everything.
And our values make up our identity.
We just normally have a values that have been on autopilot.
I was craving significance, validation, approval
because those were my unmet childhood needs.
I became aware of those
and then what I did is I started letting go
of the abandonment wound,
the abandonment wound believed that I wasn't good enough,
someone's gonna leave me,
and in general, I believe that people don't stay around.
And what I had to do is become aware of these beliefs
and then realize that they came from childhood,
and then realize that they're beliefs,
they're not inherently true.
I can think thoughts, but I'm not my thoughts.
I can have beliefs, but I'm not my beliefs.
And then I simply decided to live by values
that were more so in alignment with the real me.
And the values I choose to live by that I actually chose
are authenticity, vulnerability, adventurous,
spontaneousness, having fun.
These are all present moment values.
And by living according to those values,
I would then be able to have the courage
to express my vulnerability of how I'm emotionally feeling,
physically being flirty,
or socially being able to like walk up to somebody else.
These are things that change your sense of identity.
And this process is an identity shift
when you begin to apply it in your life.
So with that as well, if you haven't texted me yet,
you can text me at my phone number your questions.
I'll put them in YouTube videos,
also that's where I engage.
I just sent out yesterday my top books
that I'm reading this month.
And that's a way
of having a little bit more Intimacy, I guess.
But if you wanna text me,
you text me at 424-304-0104
or click the link description box below.
And also if you want a video to understand the amazing power
of no contact, why it's so effective, and how to use it,
this is a game-changer when it comes to attraction,
check it out right here.
One of the worst things to do post breakup
or after you have detached from somebody else
is to keep an open loop and the energy going back and forth.
Now in this video,
I'm gonna share with you the solution that changes.