There's a lot of reasons why you're here today, Vicki. Should a husband listen
to his wife? -Hmm, let's talk about it. This could be a 20-
second video. Seriously. Really? -Should a husband listen to his wife? -Duh? Only,
only if he wants a better marriage. If you have a chance to get a better
marriage or a worse marriage, I had a couple, I kid you not. Just this past week.
His main complaint was "She won't listen to me. I am trying to fix her problem and
she won't listen to me." And I'm thinking I think, "I know what her problem is." [Laughs] I
just came back from a conference not too long ago with doctors John and Julie
Gottman. I just respect these people so much. Dr. John and dr. Julie Gottman have done
some of the most influential research on couples that I've ever seen. Really. And
they've made a big impact on the industry. Dr. Gottman points out that the
best thing a husband can do... One of the best things. He's got a list of about
7 or 8 things that he teaches couples. But one of those things is to
accept influence from his wife. -Okay. -Now, think about what that means to
accept influence. Vicki, you've been so patient with me over the years.
Seriously, this woman is so brilliant. if I would have learned earlier in life to
just listen to her we could have avoided half of the learning experiences that
we've had in the last 30 years. And maybe got there a little lower
tuition if you know what I mean. This accepting influence has to do with
being humble. -So, talk us through that accepting influence. What do you mean by that?
Because that's maybe sounds a little different than listening. -Yes. And I think
it is different in some qualitative ways. You have to listen to be able to accept
the influence and to really value what's being said. The reason we get into
conflicts as couples is because of differences. But
it's differences that make us relevant and interesting to each other. -Right. -We
have to be different. If you and I were exactly the same, one of us would be
unnecessary. -And we know which one it would be. Just kidding.
-At least we're agreement on that, right? But if we're exactly the same, what
difference does it make anyway? So, the difference is actually enhanced. You know
what? I heard Brett Harward talking about this.
Remember Brett? He's the author of a book called The 5 Laws That Determine All
Of Life's Outcomes. Both title. But he nailed it on many of these principles.
And he was sharing a concept with me once about intersecting circles. If you
picture your capabilities and your intelligence as a circle, okay? And let's
put a number in it. 100, That's how much I got, okay? And if my wife who clearly
isn't as smart as I am... First of all let's get rid of that attitude. But let's
just roll with that for a minute. Let's just say that I'm assuming that I know
more than she does. And she's only a like an 80. And if I assume that her 80 is
already a subset of my 100, she has nothing to offer me.
But because we're different, even if... And by the way, hers is probably a 5,000. But
assuming that it's an 80 still, if I've got 100 and my wife only has an 80,
but her 80 is different from my 100, accepting influence from her brings me
up to a 180. -Right. -Right? Or even if there's some overlap, I can get up to a
160 if we share about 20. Do you see the concept of the intersecting circles? So, I
think this goes a long way to answering the question. Should a husband listen to
his wife? Absolutely. If he's intelligent. If he wants a better marriage. -And if he
wants to grow his understanding of many many topics and relationships, right? -Yes.
Don't assume that you know everything somebody else knows. That is
never the case. Top CEOs of companies who are brilliant and powerful would be
served well to open their door to whoever is sweeping the floors after
hours. Because that person has knowledge that the CEO doesn't. -Different perspective.
-And I can think of many examples of how that is the case. Listen. And it's not
just listen. Be open to accepting influence. One more thing before we get
into this next part of the topic. Take an extra step. I'm talking to you
husbands for just a minute. Take an extra step to show her that you get it.
Don't just bulldoze over whatever she's trying to say and get to what you want
to share. That is so prideful and destructive. -That's just a good
communication skill. To learn how to listen for understanding. So,
that's what you're asking. -And give that feedback. So, for me to say, "Okay. So,
you're saying..." And then give it back to you in a way that you recognize it. Then
you feel validated. You feel like I've been listening. I'm not just trying to
talk right over you. -Right. -Now, the title was should have husband listened to his
wife, right? We also want to make sure that you know that what you have to
offer is so important. Let's go ahead and and build your confidence. You've got
something important to say. Now, that doesn't that we might want to
soften the way that we bring it up. Especially if this is kind of a new
dynamic for you. You're trying to both kind of navigate a new way of listening.
And sharing the information in your relationship. So, you're going to want to
navigate it just a little bit. Go ahead and be confident in what you've got to
say. You know, you say that the differences are what attracts us and
makes us relevant. That means that 100% I am sure your perspective is
different from your husband's. -Which is good. -Yeah, it's good. So, be confident in
that. And then maybe soften as you begin the
exchange with your husband that you wanted to listen. Gunman actually calls
this a softened start up. -Yeah. So, tell us a little more about soften start. -That
can increase your influence. Now, husband's, you will be served
to accept influence from your wife. Wives, you would do well to soften the start up
so that it's more palatable. So, that it's received or more likely to be received.
An example might be "You really need to change the way you're doing this or that!"
Okay? That's going to bring up some defenses. Let's soften that start up. And it might
be "Here, you open to some feedback about how that's impacting me?" Now, when you ask
somebody "Are you open to.." whatever, is there any other civil answer to that
than "Well of course, I'm open to it." Right? What are they going to say? "No, I'm not open?"
-Can I say that... We've even used this. I mean, we have a relationship where
we're very open with each other. -Yeah. -There are times though when he said, "Are
you open to feedback?" And all in all honesty, I'm like "Not at the moment,
no." -Yeah. -You know, it gives you it gives that person a chance to really kind of
own that this is where I'm coming from and I'm not quite ready. But yes I will
be in a few minutes. -Right. -Or tomorrow. -That's an example though of the softened
start up. You're not going to try to cram anything down their throat. And that
makes it more likely that you can have that influence. Really you're better
together than you are apart. Because you're different. Because you're
different. You're better together than you are apart. And hopefully these
suggestions or these strategies will help you to connect a little better as a
couple. Gee! Vicki, I'm glad we've got all this master. We're still working on it,
too. It's a journey and we're happy to be on this journey with you. If there's
other ways we can support you, please reach out to us. And would you share this
video with somebody that you think would benefit from seeing this? We're glad to
be on your team and we're glad that you're here.