-Welcome back to "Late Night," everybody.
This Thursday, the House committee investigating
the January 6th attack on the Capitol
will be giving a minute-by-minute breakdown
of exactly what Donald Trump did during the riot.
Well, we here at "Late Night" have obtained
an exclusive early look at the timeline of Trump's actions,
and it is, well, it's quite shocking.
Let's take a look.
1:10 p.m. -- Trump finishes his speech
at the "Stop the Steal" rally
where he encourages his supporters
to fight like hell and march to the Capitol.
1:15 p.m. -- Trump leaves in a motorcade
back to the White House.
1:20 p.m. -- Trump arrives at the Oval Office,
removes a full roast chicken from his suit jacket
and devours it.
No one is sure where the chicken came from.
1:25 p.m. -- Trump begins watching coverage of the riot
when suddenly... a cold wind blows into the room.
A figure enters.
Trump turns and sees someone who looks familiar.
Himself.
A second Trump stares back at him.
A younger Trump, a Trump that looks happier, innocent,
and clothed entirely in white garments,
his long blonde hair blowing in the wind.
"It's time to stop, Donald," the angelic being says,
gently caressing Trump's cheek.
"It's time to do the decent thing
and end all of this for the sake of everyone."
1:26 p.m. -- Trump takes a marble bust of Winston Churchill
and smashes the angelic Trump in the head,
killing him instantly.
1:27 p.m. -- Trump realizes there was no young Trump
and that he actually killed an aide
sent to do a briefing.
1:29 p.m. -- Chief of Staff Mark Meadows walks in and says,
"Oh Jesus, Donald, oh God! Not again!"
1:30 to 1:35 p.m. --
Mark Meadows makes a desperate call
to a secretive fixer known only as "Mr. Benjamin"
to clean up the President's mess.
At the same time,
Trump removes another roast chicken from his suit
and devours it whole.
1:40 to 1:55 p.m. --
Trump grows bored of watching the riot coverage
and changes the channel.
Then after a few minutes of flipping around,
he observes the riot coverage on a different channel
and says, "What's this?
This looks pretty good,"
and continues watching.
2:00 p.m. -- Another cold wind blows into the room.
Trump turns and sees an old man.
But once again... he's looking at himself.
It's a 100-year-old Trump,
weathered by time and poisoned by regret and anguish.
He emerges from a beam of blinding light, saying,
"Donald, you can't go on like this.
It's time to --"
2:01 p.m. -- Trump bashes the apparition
with the Churchill statue.
2:05 p.m. -- Mark Meadows returns to the room screaming,
"Oh, my God, Donald! That was Mr. Benjamin!
You killed the damn fixer, Donald!
He was here to help us!"
2:10 to 2:25 p.m. --
Meadows drags the two bodies out of the room
and locks Trump in.
He then removes all of the marble busts
from the Oval Office.
3:05 p.m. -- A young White House intern watching
realizes the very idea of democracy
is hanging by a thread.
While they have supported Trump for four years,
this is the breaking point.
It's time to summon their courage,
march to the Oval Office,
and demand that this ends.
3:10 p.m. -- A wraithlike creature
appears in the Oval Office,
shrieking loudly as it floats
through bright light and cold gray mist toward Trump.
The creature's skeletal features defy clear definition
but somewhere deep down Trump knows the truth --
he's looking at himself again.
3:11 p.m. -- With no marble busts at hand,
Trump is finally forced to face the wraith.
He now looks upon a soul ravaged by a lifetime
of immorality, greed, manipulation, and narcissism.
As the wraith shrieks, it becomes apparent to Trump
that he can stop what is happening
at the Capitol and he must.
He reaches into his pocket for his cellphone
and realizes he has a third roast chicken.
He grabs it and begins clubbing the wraith with it,
but the slippery creature escapes.
4:00 p.m. -- A dirt-covered Meadows
walks down the hallway only to be passed
by a sobbing White House intern covered in grease.
"What happened to you?" asks Meadows.
"The President hit me with a [bleep] chicken!"
yells the intern.
4:05 p.m. -- Meadows returns to the Oval Office
to find Trump sleeping quietly on the couch
while "The King of Queens" plays in the background.
He is gently holding a chicken to his chest
and muttering, "It was all a bad dream...
it was all a bad dream."
And that was Trump's January 6th timeline.