Nobody likes millennials, I get.
My dad doesn't like us, my dad's all the time.
He's like, "I hate millennials."
I go, "I'm one." He goes, "Yeah."
(audience laughing)
All right.
Like me and my brother, we're sitting on the couch,
texting each other, just having a good time.
Christmas.
Christmas Day.
My dad walks in, he's like "Millennials, huh?
Same room, can't even talk.
Sitting on the same couch, can't even have a conversation,
just texting each other on the "
I'm like, "That's 'cause we're talking about you
right now Dad,
(audience laughing)
but we're doing it nice.
Didn't even have to get your fet
so just calm down.
Let us figure out what to do with your house."
(audience laughing)
No, it's cool.
Some of my friends are having k.
Some millennials are having kid?
Why, what, what?
Don't do it.
If you're a millennial and you already had a kid,
give it back.
(audience laughing)
Give it back, they'll take it.
One of my friends as a kid, he's still a goth.
Remember goths?
He's still being a goth
from middle school.
30 years old, he's a goth with lower back pain and a kid.
It's not gonna work.
How's it gonna work?
How's it gonna work goth dad?
How's it gonna work?
Kid comes home from school,
he's like, "I hate my life,
I hate you, I'm going to my roo"
You're like, "Me too."
Then you both run up the stairs.
Who stays downstairs?
Someone has to stay downstairs ,
"I didn't like that.
Might have to put my foot down."
Can't put your foot down a pair.
(audience laughing) Can't do it.
Can't do it goth dad.
Keep that foot up.
Keep that foot up goth dad.
It's weird, Millennials, we're very insecure.
We're the most insecure generat.
We want everybody like us, nobo.
We figure maybe gen Z, maybe th,
maybe they got something
that other generations don't no.
They don't like us either.
All my millennial friends would be like, "How's it work?
I think all the gen Z kids don'.
Like I walked in the break room, they all stopped talking.
I was like, oh no, am I cringe?
(audience laughing)
Oh I think I might be cringe.
Am I cringe? Do you think I cringe?"
Yes, you're cringe.
We're all cringe.
Just live cringe, it's fine.
I never even looked it up, I'm just using context clues.
We all are, it's fine.
Why do you need to hang out wit?
These are children.
Remember in eighth grade how you didn't give a shit
what sixth graders thought?
Keep doing that.
"Well they're so mean.
Well hit them with your hands.
(audience laughing)
It's worked in every grade.
I can't tell if I'm secure or i.
I don't know where I am, I'm in the middle.
Like when I was a little kid, I'd be five years old.
My mom would drop me off at sch.
I had my little backpack, same .
I'm running in, I'm like, "Bye mom, I love you."
And she's like, "You'll grow into your nose."
I'm like, "We weren't talking a.
What'd you say about my nose?"
"It's big, but the rest of your head will be big too."
(audience laughing)
"Thank you.
That might hurt my feelings for"
And it did.
I told her that this Christmas, I was like,
"It hurt my feelings when you said I'd grow into my nose,"
and she said, "I thought you wo"
so now I'm sad all of the time.
I'm sad 100% of the time.
Not nice.
I don't know, we're insecure, but we're also like,
not as woke as we think we are,,
some of my millennial friends are still sexist.
They think they're woke, but they still say sexist stuff.
They'll be like, "I can't date like a rich lady.
I had a girlfriend, she made more money than me.
I can't date some rich lady.
I gotta be the man.
I'm the man with the money.
I put the bacon on the bread on the table, I'm the man.
Money's for men.
I see a lady with money, I knock it out of her hand
I go you gimme that money.
Get your lady hands off the man.
It's for men."
That's the weirdest sexism I've ever heard.
I don't get it, 'cause look, I've dated rich ladies,
I've dated poor ladies,
and let me tell you something rich is better by a lot.
(audience laughing)
Not even close.
You date a rich lady, it's grea.
She gets hungry,
there's already food on the way to the house.
I don't even know where it came.
(audience laughing)
You date a poor lady,
she just looks at you and goes, "I'm hungry."
"Yeah, yeah, that's tough.
I'm hungry too.
(audience laughing)
Do you want to go to sleep?
(audience laughing)
That's what I've been doing when I'm hungry is
going to sleep.
Works great."
I don't mind the young kids bei.
Some of my friends were like, "Look at all these athletes.
They're all younger than us."
I'm like,
"We didn't do it then, we couldn't do it now.
What are you getting at with th"
"Hell if I was 19, I'd."
I don't mind it.
I like young athletes.
I don't mind young athletes, I don't mind young rappers.
I like young people doing stuff, it's great.
The only thing I don't like is young country singers.
They can all go to hell.
I don't believe you.
You got a cowboy hat on, '22?
"Yeah, I just love my country.
I just love dirt roads and fishing in the creek.
Little my old dog and my old tr.
That shit don't ride 'em like I"
No, you don't do any of that.
"Yeah, I was born in a tire swi"
What are you talking about?
Every gen Z country songs should be like, well,
I was playing Fortnite, vaping ,
'cause that's what I'm doing.
That's all I do.
What are you doing that I don't?
Don't like it.
You ever been pulled over by a cop younger than you?
That hurts.
I don't like that at all.
22 year old guy walks over with his first mustache.
He's like, "Hey, you know why I pulled you over?"
I'm like, "What?
Do you know anything?
You just learned the types of cs
and you're over here telling me"
Cumulonimbus.
It's weird, little things like ,
like I hate seeing a young kid .
Some 21 year old smoking a ciga.
I wanna knock it out of his mou.
Just like, "What are you?"
"Oh, I gotta take the edge off.
Oh, it's been a long day and no pain in my back.
Oh, seven more years on my parents' insurance.
(audience laughing)
Oh boy I gotta take the edge of"