Alright, now when I was a kid in middle school,
it was required to take a semester of health class.
And health class was pretty straightforward.
It was mostly just a class to steer you away from cigarettes and alcohol.
"Smoking cigarettes causes cancer! Do you see this picture right here?"
"This is what a cancerous lung looks like from smoking!"
"Uh.. that looks like a picture of Lindsay Lohan."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Oh yeah, that is Lindsay Lohan! She was in the Parent Trap!"
"I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about."
"All I can see is an infected, diseased, disgusting lump of shit!"
"Cause by years of self-abuse."
"That's all I see."
The teacher would always make us go up in front of the class and do presentations.
"My presentation is called 'Alcohol ruins your life'."
My sources are this book,
"A Fifth of Scotch a Day Keeps Your Family Away."
And an interview I did with my stepdad.
But the drug and alcohol talk was nothing, compared to sex ed.
Because in sex ed your teacher would say some shit,
that you would never want to hear them say again.
"Okay everybody, today we're talking about the panis."
"I know some of your are gonna be giggling every time I say it,"
"but panis is just a word."
"P-A-N-I-S. PANIS"
One day we were sitting in class,
and the teacher taped the bunch of STDs to the chalkboard.
"Okay, now I know you guys are at the age, where you're going through puberty."
"And your body is starting to go through changes."
"My body is changing? What am I, a fucking anamorph?"
"For example, you got Todd over there."
"He thinks he's pretty cool, because he's got a few whiskers on his upper lip."
"Well Todd, you think your shitty excuse of a mustache
is gonna save you from the horrors of gonorrhea?"
"I don't think so."
"All right, I want everybody to pick your favourite sexually-transmitted disease
and present it to class next Friday."
Well, I didn't really know what my favorite STD was,
so I just picked chlamydia.
Because chlamydia kinda sounds like it could be like a Pokemon.
- Chlamydia, I choose you, go! - Blerp.
So for this presentation, I decided to make this big-ass poster board to show to the class.
I got the word chlamydia written up top in big-ass bubble-letters like an idiot.
I'm standing at the bus stop in the morning,
people are driving by, honking their horns and shit.
"What the hell, is that kid advertising chlamydia?"
"Hey asshole, I got plenty of chlamydia from my ex-wife, no thank you!"
So I'm standing up there, in front of the whole class.
It's worth noting, that I absolutely hate speaking in public.
Let alone, when I have to list off all the goddamn symptoms for chlamydia.
"Okay, if everybody can refer to my big-ass obnoxious poster board,
you can see, that the common symptoms include a burning sensation,
and a yellowish discharge."
"Oh God! A yellowish discharge from the panis!"
"Who the hell wants that in their life?"
But I thought that was the worst part of the health class,
it was nothing, compared to the Miracle of Life.
Because The Miracle of Life was the movie made in the 80s,
that talks about where babies come from.
And at first, when the teacher wheeled out that bad-boy TV on the cart,
we were all kind of excited.
"Oh hell yeah! What are we watching? Ghost Busters?"
"I hope we're watching Ghost Busters!"
"Today, kids, we're gonna watch the film 'The Miracle of Life'."
"And it's gonna take you step by step
from when you were a weird little shrimp person in your mom's belly
to the fully-functional human being that you are today.
So we start watching this movie, and 95% of the movie is indeed what he said.
It does show us how we go from weird little shrimp monsters
to a fully-functional human baby!
But then, outta fucking nowhere, it cuts to a woman giving birth to a baby.
And it shows everything.
This chick is spread-eagled, the camera's right in their business.
Everybody in the class room is horrified.
"Oh, what the fuck!"
"Oh sick, I just ate chicken Parmesan for lunch for Christ's sake!"
Meanwhile the teacher keeps pausing the video to add commentary.
"And here we can see the baby's head beginning to crown."
"It kinda looks like if you cut an avocado in half, doesn't it?"
(Blerp!)
"Oh boy, that is messy! I hope that cameraman is wearing a poncho!"
(Blerp!)
"And that was The Miracle of Life, everybody."
"All right, anybody have any questions?"
"Ah, yeah, can I file a restraining order against your ass?"
"So you can never show me that shit again?"
After school we're all outside, traumatized.
There are kids smoking cigarettes and shit.
"That was not the fucking Ghost Busters!"
"Hey, you're not smoking cigarettes out there, are you?"
"Is this really what you wanna become in life? Take a good look!"
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