Like, not this audience.
[audience laughs]
Honestly, sometimes audiences bring me gifts,
and then they give it to the usher
and the usher will bring it backstage
and then I have to open it.
Because I don't have a crew of people that travel with me
'cause I'm not Adele.
[audience laughs]
You know, I don't know how people imagine, like...
I walked here tonight.
The five blocks.
[audience laughs]
You know when you make that decision, you go,
"It's only five blocks, I'm gonna walk it"?
And then after the third block, you go,
-"Fuck, I should've taken an Uber." -[audience laughs]
Then you go, "It's too late now, I can't get an Uber now
for two blocks, 'cause they'll think I'm lazy." [laughs]
-[audience laughs] -[chuckles]
You don't want them to give you a two-star 'cause you're lazy
'cause then you have to fake a limp and stuff.
[audience laughs]
"Yeah, I just sprained my ankle."
So I get this gift, right? I do a show in Auckland,
and a woman sends a gift with an usher, and the usher brings it to the room.
And now I'm gonna open it, but it looked dodgy as hell.
It was just wrapped in brown paper.
And-- And it had a string around it,
and not that fancy string that you get now over Christmas.
You know, you always get-- Like your sister-in-law,
she'll be doing all this fancy fucking wrapping and shit.
[audience laughs]
And you go, "Okay, calm down.
We know it's bath salts."
[audience laughs]
It's like, "Christ, you just spent $45
on the wrapping of a $2 fucking gift.
[audience laughs]
And we don't have a bath!"
[laughing continues]
Not one of those strings, it was just an old shoelace.
[audience laughs]
So you know it's dodgy
when the usher sort of kicks the door open,
throws the gift and goes, "That came for you," and runs away.
[audience laughs]
So I look at this gift and I shook it
and no powder fell out of it and it wasn't ticking.
-[audience chuckles] -I'm gonna open it.
So I open the gift.
And someone had sent me a moon cup.
[audience oohs]
Like, a new one, but a moon cup.
Now, for those of you who don't know what a moon cup is,
ladies, if I can ask you
to just turn to the men in your area...
-[audience laughing] -...and just explain to them
what a moon cup is so I don't have to.
Talk amongst yourselves.
[audience murmuring]
If you don't know, ask the people behind you. They know.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I don't know what's going on there.
-There's a lady in the back doing that... -[audience roars]
I don't know what you're explaining... [chuckles]
-....but I think you're doing it wrong. -[audience laughs]
For those of you who don't know
what a moon cup is, it's basically a Tupperware bowl for your coochacha.
[audience laughs]
Like, you whip it out when Aunt Flo comes to visit.
You feel?
But I knew. As soon as I received this gift,
I knew I was in deep trouble
'cause I've got an inquiring mind...
-[audience laughs] -...and I knew I was going to try it.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Now, I'm not going to go into detail,
but let me just tell you, it's not for me.
[audience laughs]
Let's just say...
Okay, you know when you're unpacking the dishwasher, right?
Ladies, if you want to turn to the men in your area
-and just explain what I mean. [laughs] -[audience laughs and applauds]
No, you know when you're unpacking the dishwasher
and you get to the kids' plastic bowls and cups
and you don't take the time to individually dry each and every cup?
You just kind of grab them, whack them and stack them away
and then tomorrow morning,
you have to feed those same children out of those bowls
and you take it out and you're like...
[audience laughs]
Yeah, that.
[audience roars]
So, no, it's not for me.
[audience laughs]