>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND PPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
JON, IN JUST A MOMENT, THE ONE THE ONLY KYLE MacLACHLAN IS
GOING TO BE OUT HERE TO JOIN US HERE ON STAGE.
>> YES, IN THE HOUSE.
LET'S GET IT, KYLE.
>> Stephen: YOU EVER WATCH ANY OF THE "SUCCESSION"?
>> Jon: OH, YES.
>> Stephen: STEWY FROM "SUCCESSION" WILL BE OUT HERE,
ARIAN MOYED WITH "INVENTING ANNA" WILL BE HERE.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT COMING UP, JOHN?
>> Jon: LITERALLY, THE WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO HANG OUT WITH "THE
WEEKEND."
HARD TO TELL WHAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THESE DAYS WHEN
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT "THE WEEKEND."
>> Jon: I'M EXCITED ABOUT THE WEEKEND TO DO NOTHING.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES IT'S THE MOST YOU CAN DO, JON.
>> Jon: SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO HAVE A PAUSE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> Jon: A PAUSE FOR A WORTHY CAUSE.
>> Stephen: YOU WORK HARD, BUT, ULTIMATELY, EVERYBODY IS
WORKING FOR "THE WEEKEND."
>> Jon: WHOO!
>> Stephen: LOVER BOY -- LOVER BOY -- CHRIS OVER THERE WAS AN
OVERNIGHT DEEJAY WHEN HE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
DID YOU EVER PLAY ANY LOVER BOY?
SURE, CAN YOU NAME ANY OTHER LOVER BOY SONG OTHER THAN
"EVERYBODY'S WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND"?
NEITHER CAN I?
CAN ANYBODY ELSE?
>> "TURN ME LOOSE"!
>> Stephen: TURN ME LOOSE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT SONG IS.
MARK, YOU KNOW IT, HOW DOES IT GO?
♪ WHY DON'T YOU TURN ME LOOSE ♪ >> Stephen: (SINGING).
♪ TURN ME WHROOS ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FOLKS, IF YOU
WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME,
RIGHT OVER THERE, PLANTING AND GROWING THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS
IN A PARCELED TERROIR AT PRECISELY 80 METERS, ON A
NORTH-FACING SLOPE, WITH JUST THE RIGHT MICROCLIMATE, THEN
HAND-PICKING ONLY THE RIPEST, MOST TOPICAL BOTRYTIS-PRUNED
STORY GRAPES.
AFTER THREE PRESSINGS, I THEN CAREFULLY BARREL-AGE THEIR
NOBLE-ROTTED NECTAR FOR 30 MONTHS EXCLUSIVELY IN NEW OAK TO
BRING OUT THE AROMAS OF TROPICAL FRUITS, HONEYED PEARS, AND
ROASTED NUTS IN THE CHATEAU D'YQUEM SAUTERNES THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN A BULGARIAN PRISON,
CONVICTED OF WHAT MY NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING, COURT-APPOINTED LAWYER
ONLY CALLS "ANIMAL WRONGS."
I TRADE THE CIGARETTES I WON IN A BARE-KNUCKLE MATCH WITH A
GUARD FOR SOME FIG MARMALADE, APPLE CORES, AND DISCARDED
KETCHUP PACKETS, TOSS IT ALL IN THE PLASTIC BAG I STOLE OFF MY
CELLMATE DRAGOMIR'S FOOT WHILE HE SLEPT, AND LEAVE IT TO
FERMENT UNDER A HOT SEWAGE PIPE OVERNIGHT, TO SERVE UP THE
SOUR-MASHED GOON PLONK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A FERMENTED PIPE.
MEANWHILE -- RIGHT THERE, SYMMETRICAL.
MEANWHILE, OVER IN BURGER-VANIA, "BURGER KING'S LARGEST FRANCHISE
IS CUTTING THEIR CHICKEN NUGGET COUNT AS PRICES SURGE."
WHICH EXPLAINS BURGER KING CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN FROM "HAVE
IT YOUR WAY" TO "WE'VE ALL GOT TO MAKE SACRIFICES-- AND WE'RE
GOING TO NEED THAT STRAW BACK."
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THE "NUMBER OF
NUGGETS PROVIDED IN A BURGER KING MEAL WILL GO FROM TEN DOWN
TO EIGHT."
BUT, DON'T WORRY, THE AMOUNT OF CHICKEN IN THE MEAL WILL REMAIN
ZERO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK,
"GOVERNOR HOCHUL HAS OUTLINED A PLAN TO OVERHAUL STATE LIQUOR
LAWS, INCLUDING "PERMANENTLY LEGALIZING TO-GO ALCOHOL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT HEADLINE AGAIN:
"STEPHEN COLBERT DISCOVERS THAT, BEFORE NOW, JUST WALKING AROUND
DRINKING BOOZE ON THE STREET WAS NOT LEGAL."
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW.
NEW ORLEANS -- NEW ORLEANS, YOU CAN HAVE OPEN CONTAINERS.
>> Jon: YOU CAN.
YOU CAN HAVE A DAIQUIRI.
>> Stephen: WOW.
IN ADDITION TO TAKE-AWAY HOOCH, THE GOVERNOR IS ALSO CONSIDERING
ALLOWING DRINKS TO BE SERVED AT MOVIE THEATERS.
WELL, GOOD.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING DRUNK NEW YORKERS ARE FAMOUS
FOR, IT'S SITTING QUIETLY AND APPRECIATING THE MIS-EN-SCENE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SOCCER STAR CRISTIANO
RONALDO WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK AFTER HE SHOWERED ON INSTAGRAM
LIVE.
GOOD LORD!
THERE ARE CREASES IN THAT MAN'S BODY I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED ON
HUMAN BEINGS.
HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE SHRINK-WRAPPED A TERMINATOR.
670,000 PEOPLE TUNED IN AND, FOR SOME REASON, MADE COMMENTS LIKE
"VERY BRAVE."
NO, IT'S NOT!
IT IS NOT BRAVE!
IF I TOOK A PUBLIC SHOWER ON INSTAGRAM LIVE, IT WOULD BE AN
ACT OF UNBRIDLED COURAGE.
IF I LOOKED LIKE THAT, I'D BURN ALL MY CLOTHES.
"BRAVE" IS TAKING YOUR SHIRT OFF AT A HOTEL POOL WHEN YOU LOOK
LIKE A CINCH-SACK FULL OF RAW CHICKEN SKIN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT THAT!
VERY BRAVE...
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "AN UNUSED TICKET TO
MICHAEL JORDAN'S DEBUT GAME SOLD FOR $468,000."
ALTHOUGH $400 GRAND OF THAT WAS TICKETMASTER FEES.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO!
THAT JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH!
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, IN WEARABLE FITNESS
NEWS, "FITBIT HAS RECALLED 1.7 MILLION SMARTWATCHES WITH A
BATTERY THAT CAN OVERHEAT."
SOUNDS DANGEROUS.
AND AS A FITBIT OWNER, I HAVE ONE VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION:
DOES THIS AFFECT FITBITS THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN REMOVED FROM THE
BOX?
( LAUGHTER ) ASKING FOR A FRIEND.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN THE CONGO, "A
POLYGAMIST WED TRIPLETS ON THE SAME DAY, AFTER THEY ALL
PROPOSED TO HIM."
AFTER MEETING ONE, "SHE INTRODUCED HIM TO HER TWIN
SISTERS, WHO BECAME EQUALLY SMITTEN," AND THE MAN FELT
"OBLIGED TO MARRY ALL OF THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE TRIPLETS."
DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE OBLIGED TO MARRY THREE SIBLINGS JUST
BECAUSE YOU MET ONE.
I'M SO SORRY, HEMSWORTH BROTHERS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KYLE
MacLACHLAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )