WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL FRIDAY "LATE SHOW," WITH OUR
EXCLUSIVE FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE ONLY TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM
BLACK FRIDAY, AND SHOPPING MAY BE EVEN CRAZIER THAN IN PREVIOUS
YEARS.
WORKERS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY, AND BUSINESSES ARE GETTING DESPERATE
FOR STAFF.
SOME COMPANIES HAVE STARTED TO REMOVE NEARLY EVERY HIRING
REQUIREMENT, FROM DRUG TESTS TO BACKGROUND CHECKS.
THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
AFTER ALL SKIPPING DRUG TESTS AND MENTAL HEALTH EXAMS IS HOW
TESLA FOUND THEIR C.E.O.
COMPANIES-- ( APPLAUSE )
HI, ELAN.
COMPANIES ARE ALSO CHANGING THEIR EDUCATION RULES.
A COUPLE YEARS AGO, 42% OF INSURANCE SALES JOB LISTINGS
CALLED FOR A BACHELOR'S DEGREE, AND NOW ONLY 26% DO.
OF COURSE, TIME HAS PROVEN YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SMART TO SELL
INSURANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, WE'VE GOT IN SOME-- TOOK A SECOND,TOOK A LITTLE--
WE'VE GOT SOME SCARY NEWS FROM OVERSEAS.
RECENTLY, U.S. SATELLITES SPOTTED THAT CHINA HAS BUILT
MOCKUPS OF U.S. NAVY SHIPS IN AN AREA USED FOR MISSILE TARGET
PRACTICE.
THEY BUILT THE MISSILES IN THE DESERT.
HERE'S THE GUIDED MISSILE DESTROYER.
THEY ALSO HAVE AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
WAIT A SECOND.
JIM, PULL OUT.
WHY IS THAT ON A GRID?
OH, NO!
THEY SUNK OUR BATTLESHIP!
( HORN BLOWING ) CHINA'S ANTI-SHIP MISSILE SYSTEM
IS RUN BY A GROUP CALLED THE PEOPLE'S LIBERATION ARMY ROCKET
FORCE OR "PLARF" -- ALSO THE NAME OF THE LESSER KNOWN,
CHINESE BOOTLEG VERSION OF ALF.
( LAUGHTER ) AND PLARF HAS GONE HIGH TECH,
BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE THESE MODELS.
THEY BUILT A SIX-METER-WIDE RAIL SYSTEM WITH A SHIP-SIZED TARGET
MOUNTED ON IT, WHICH COULD BE USED TO SIMULATE A MOVING
VESSEL.
OKAY, THAT SOUNDS DEEPLY TROUBLING-- ALSO, A LOT OF FUN!
CHINA, PLEASE PUT IT IN DISNEY SHANGHAI, AND ALL IS FORGIVEN.
SPEAKING OF OPPRESSIVE REGIMES: TWITTER.
( LAUGHTER ) EARLIER THIS WEEK, THEY UNVEILED
A NEW PRODUCT IN AMERICA, THE COMPANY'S SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE,
CALLED "TWITTER BLUE."
THAT IS THE NEW NAME, NOT AS I THOUGHT, THE PAST SENSE OF THE
PHRASE "TWITTER BLOWS."
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOR THREE--
( APPLAUSE ) WHY NOT?
♪ ♪ ♪ THERE YOU GO.
FOR THREE BUCKS A MONTH, YOU'LL GET FEATURES LIKE AN "UNDO
TWEET" FEATURE THAT LETS PEOPLE SET A 30-SECOND TIMER BEFORE THE
TWEET GETS POSTED, SO THEY CAN REVISE ANY TYPOS OR ANY OTHER
MISTAKES.
THIS IS A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH.
THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT, UP TILL NOW, WOULD BE TO WAIT 30 SECONDS
BEFORE POSTING YOUR TWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF TROLLS, THE FEDS ARE
CATCHING UP TO THOSE WHO TOOK PART IN THE INSURRECTION ON
JANUARY 6.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST
ROUNDUP ROUND UP."
>> IT BEHOOVES US TO ARREST THESE FOALS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, HORSEY.
THE FIRST DINGUS GETTING THE BOOK THROWN AT HIM IS FLORIDA
MAN AND MEMBER OF SEAL-TEAM FANNY PACK, JEREMY BROWN.
BACK BEFORE THE RIOT BEGAN, BROWN WAS MAKING PLANS AND
TRYING TO RECRUIT FOLKS TO JOIN HIM.
SO HE POSTED ONLINE, "WE HAVE A R.V. AND VAN GOING!
PLENTY OF GUN PORTS LEFT TO FILL.
WE CAN PICK YOU UP."
WELL, IF WHAT HE WANTS IS TO BE SQUEEZED INTO A TINY BOX WITH
OTHER CRIMINALS, HE'S ABOUT TO GET HIS WISH.
NEXT UP ON THE PARADE OF IDIOTS, TEXAS REALTOR AND BROKEN WOMAN
NEXT TO A BROKEN WINDOW, JENNA RYAN.
YOU MAY REMEMBER, RYAN STORMEDLY THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6, BUT
DIDN'T THINK SHE'D GET PUNISHED.
IN FACT, IN MARCH, SHE TWEETED, "DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO JAIL.
SORRY, I HAVE BLONDE HAIR, WHITE SKIN, A GREAT JOB, A GREAT
FUTURE, AND I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL."
( BOOING ) AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING
NEXT.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT I'M SAYING
NEXT.
AND YET, IT' STILL SO FUN.
BECAUSE JENNA RYAN, THE WOMAN WHO SAID SHE'S NOT GOING TO
JAIL, WAS JUST SENTENCED TO TWO MONTHS IN JAIL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH... OH...
( APPLAUSE ) OH, THE IRONY...
BARS SHE'S GOING TO BE LOCKED BEHIND.
OF COURSE, JUST LIKE THE CRIME THAT GOT HER THROWN IN PRISON,
JENNA RYAN POSTED ABOUT GETTING LOCKED UP ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
>> YES, I'M GOING TO PRISON, EVERYONE.
I'M GOING TO PRISON BECAUSE OF A TWEET THAT SAID I'M NOT GOING TO
PRISON.
BUT IT WAS A REPLY.
IT WAS A REPLY TO A TWEET.
I SAID I'M NOT GOING TO PRISON, BUT I WAS TALKING TO A HATER.
AND, UNFORTUNATELY, THE D.O.J.
SAW IT AND THEN THEY SAID, "NO, YOU ARE GOING TO PRISON."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ACTUALLY, NO, YOU'RE
GOING TO PRISON FOR BREAKING INTO THE CAPITOL.
YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE WITH A TWEET.
IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME FEATURE WHERE YOU HAD 30 SECONDS TO UNDO
A TWEET!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S-- THERE'S A MARKET--
>> Jon: THE PROBLEM IS BLOWING IN THE WEND.
>> Stephen: NEXT UP ON THE ROUND-UP GIDDY-UP, EDUARDO
NICOLAS ALVEAR GONZALEZ, KNOWN ONLINE AS THE "CAPITOL ROTUNDA
DOOBIE SMOKER."
( AS STONER ) "DUDE, I WAS LISTENING TO MY
MYPILLOW, AND IT SAID THAT THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN BY HUGO
CHAVEZ'S GHOST.
STOP THE STEAL.
AND START THE MEAL.
I'M STARVING.
HEY, YOU GONNA EAT ALL THAT PODIUM, BRO?"
GONZALEZ PLED GUILTY AND IS AWAITING SENTENCING, SUBJECT TO
CERTAIN CONDITIONS OF RELEASE, INCLUDING NO INTERNATIONAL
TRAVEL.
BUT HE WANTED TO AMEND THAT, WITH HIS LAWYER EXPLAINING THAT
GONZALEZ "HAS BEEN INVITED BY A FRIEND TO SPEND THE HOLIDAY
SEASON, AT NO COST, IN LONDON, ENGLAND," WHICH IS "AN
OPPORTUNITY THAT DOESN'T PRESENT ITSELF VERY OFTEN."
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
"YOUR HONOR, YOU CAN'T SEND ME TO PRISON.
THE McRIB IS BACK!
( LAUGHTER ) FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!
HAVE YOU NO HEART?" THE NEXT REVOLTING REVOLUTIONARY
BEHIND BARS IS NEW YORK NATIVE AND GUY OFFERING FREE FOOT
MASSAGES AT GUITAR CENTER, BRENDAN HUNT.
TO BE CLEAR, BRENDAN HUNT SHOULD NOT BE CONFUSED WITH THE ACTOR
WHO PLAYS COACH BEARD ON "TED LASSO," BRENDAN HUNT.
THE ONLY THING HE'S GUILTY OF STORM... [ WHISPERING )
IS OUR HEARTS.
HE JUST LOVES TED!
GO ON.
THE BAD BRENDAN HUNT WASN'T AT THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6, BUT HE
MADE HIMSELF HEARD BY PUTTING UP NUMEROUS VIDEOS AND FACEBOOK
POSTS THAT THREATENED POLITICIANS LIKE CHUCK SCHUMER
AND ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ.
HIS EXCUSE?
HE WROTE THE SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS AFTER MONTHS OF SOCIAL ISOLATION
AND "A FEW BONG RIPS."
NICE TRY, BUT AFTER A FEW BONG RIPS, YOU DON'T THREATEN TO TAKE
DOWN A MEMBER OF CONGRESS.
YOU THREATEN TO TAKE DOWN AN ENTIRE BOX OF LITTLE DEBBIE
SWISS ROLLS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HUNT IS IN JAIL-- $1.09.
$1.09, DOZEN ROLLS.
HUNT IS IN JAIL AWAITING SENTENCING, AND HE'S GOT COMPANY
BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, HE SHARED A CELL WITH CONVICTED SEX-OFFENDER
R. KELLY.
OH, TO BE A FLY ON THAT WALL...
AND THEN BEG TO BE TRANSFERRED TO A DIFFERENT WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) HUNT CONSIDERS HIMSELF A BIT OF
AN ARTIST, SO AS PART OF HIS APPEAL TO THE JUDGE FOR A LESSER
SENTENCE, HIS LAWYERS SUBMITTED A COMIC STRIP HUNT DREW
PORTRAYING HIMSELF AND R. KELLY WORKING OUT BEHIND BARS.
SO, HE'S USING HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH R. KELLY TO TRY TO WIN OVER
THE JUDGE.
WHAT THE HELL WAS IN THAT BONG?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LET'S TAKE A LOOK...
>> Jon: THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING IN THE THE WIND.
>> Stephen: DON'T DO DRUGS, KIDS, JUST SAY NO.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF HIS WORK.
HERE'S HUNT SHOWING R. KELLY A YOGA BOOK AND SAYING THEY SHOULD
EXERCISE TOGETHER, THEN THE TWO OF THEM DOING WARRIOR POSE, THEN
DOWNWARD DOG, THEN THE TWO OF THEM HIGH-FIVING AND SAYING
"WORKOUT PALS!" AND, FINALLY, THEY'RE ALL BUFF,
AND R. KELLY SAYS, "WAIT UNTIL THE GUYS IN THE YARD SEE OUR
GAINS!" WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT PRISON: ON YOUR FIRST DAY, FIND THE BIGGEST GUY IN THE
YARD, AND THEN SHOW HIM A DRAWING OF YOU BIGGER THAN HIM.
STILL BETTER THAN HUNT'S FIRST DRAFT, WHERE HE DREW GARFIELD
SAYING, "I HATE MONDAYS, BUT I LOVE WORKING OUT WITH CONVICTED
SEX OFFENDER R. KELLY."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS JEFF GOLDBLUM.
WON'T YOU JOIN US?