Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Corrections and it's been a
week. So, let's just jump right into it. This is one that we
spend some time on. I was told that a bird's nostril is called
a nares. Then, I was told, I was pronouncing it wrong. It's
naris. A good way for shoemaker to remember would be
if you take the name of Nile's crane and his ex wife and
combine him. Near us.
Um I then was told a human nostril is also called an At
which point I thought maybe we could have just stuck with
nostril then.
We once again owe an apology to America's Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
I we basically said he was an eight hundred fifty year old
vampire and we explained the way The reason he married his
cousin was because when you're immortal, you have less
options. You have fewer options. We also said he was in
a coffin and we showed a picture of him in a casket.
We're very sorry. I will say one thing. I realized when we
referenced the fact that Rudy Giuliani married his cousin,
didn't play great with the audience. And that always
killed with the crew. Rudy Giuliani being married to his
cousin tickled them. Not, you know, marrying a cousin but I
think the fact that he found out after he married her. He
found out cuz he had a He had an account at 23 and Mamma Mia.
I I pronounced Star Trek, Star Trek, which is a common
mistake.
It said we had done 241 shows without an audience and Someone
reached out to say, you shouldn't put a and in there,
you should just say 241 because when you put the and in, you're
making it two numbers. I would just like apologize to that
person for making them do that math.
Ginkoloba, we said, a prescription be written for it.
It's over the counter. This one stung, happened yesterday. I
once again and it's really painful because it's what kind
of set us off down this correction's path. I referred
to Lego bricks as Legos. Now, in my defense, I did it in
character as a tourist outside of the Legos Bricks store.
So, I think it's allowed because here's the thing that
I'd like to say to the Lego fanatics and even though I'm
sure you're right about it not being Legos, at it being Lego
bricks but
everyone calls them Legos.
Another mistake I made a bunch said my brother and I when I
should have said, my brother and me and someone actually
phrase this in a way that I thought was very nice. And I do
think it's what I do. They said that this was a mistake people
make because they're over correcting. They they think the
fancier way. It must be right to say my brother and I because
that seems fancier but it's my brother and me and so I do
think that's what I was doing. I was trying to, you know,
fancy myself up and I I promised in the future to say
my brother and me. I also referenced, we talked about the
gift of the Magi and how a bunch of people did not know it
was an O'Henry story, not a bunch, two people, thought that
I was ripping it off from what I called the 78 Muppet
Christmas Special. It was a 1978 Sesame Street Christmas
Special. They filmed a Muppet Special but they couldn't air
it. I guess in a after they filmed it, I guess in a bunch,
in a bunch of the shots, you could see Gonzo's.
Two blue?
That was that was the network note about it. Yeah.
It didn't look like his nose.
A well-crafted joke about genitals always reminds me of
my good friend, Andy Sandberg and three corrections back,
with no warning, I Facetimed him. He answered right away. He
banged out some fine young cannibals for us. And then,
I've been chasing the ghost. Calling the last two weeks,
nothing. And part of me thinks that's a sign. I should just
let it go but they didn't just do one digital short, they did
100 right? The guy can deliver. So, you know, I can't stress
enough. He does not know I'm calling but it was so much fun
when I asked him to sing Fine Young Cannibals. I asked him to
sing She Drives You Crazy because that's what you do when
you request a song. You change the pronoun for the singer.
Sing Counting Crows Mister Jones and You.
Follow
How are you buddy? I'm pretty good. Alright, gotta go.
Last week, wrote a joke about Donald Trump on roller skates.
This is what we got from graphics. Fully roller blades.
Classic graphics mistake. My brother rollerbladed. My
brother and I went to college together and we're very close.
Spend our high school years together. And then I left and
went to college for two years. Left him alone and then two
years later he came to college and he was a rollerblader. And
when he told me that obviously I felt a great guilt of having
left.
Cuz otherwise, he wouldn't have picked up such a douchebaggy
hobby.
He had very long hair in college. My brother had hair
down to here and he would roller blade to class and his
hair would just go out like this and his nickname in
college was the albatross. That's a story about my brother
and me.
We showed a picture of Disney. Can we show Disney? That's what
we had up. Someone wrote this, That's not what Walt Disney
World looks like now. There's no 50th anniversary decor in
Main Street is too clear for a Cavalcade. Meaning, this was
taken to prepare for a main parade. This picture is
pre-covid. Your graphics department is lazy and couldn't
even find a picture from the last year plus of one of the
most popular tourist destinations in the world.
So, I wanted to write a joke about packing a large container
of mustard in my carry-on luggage and so, I actually
googled to see how what's the biggest container of mustard
you could get at Sam's Club say that I saw it was 105 ounces,
but I just like saying 100 ounces more. So, that's what I
put in a closer look and then someone for real commented, you
can't get 100-ounce container of mustard. It only comes and a
0 and five ounces and after everything we go through
together, could you not give me the wiggle room of plus or
minus five ounces of mustard?
Other people noticed, I don't think it's as bad this week
that I had chewed my pen cap and how disgusting that was.
So, I chewed my nails and was told I had to stop by you
Jackals. And then I started chewing my pen and then you all
told me that was disgusting. So, I went to my therapist and
I said, do you have any ideas of what I can do now? And she
said, you could stop engaging and encouraging people to pick
on every word that comes out of your mouth.
Someone said, hey, I really enjoy your Mike Lindell
impression but I think you should stop calling him my
pillow guy because you're giving him free advertising. I
don't think people who watch this show are also buying the
My Pillows. I don't think they're watching it saying, go
get a Myers but also I haven't been sleeping well.
P Rose did play second base 1963 to 19 sixty5. Alright,
let's get to the elephant that is in the room. The audience is
back. A lot of you Jackals were very vocal about the fact that
you were not looking forward to this and I will say over the
course of the week reading the comments, 30 to 40% of you are
begrudgingly admitting it's not that bad. And I appreciate your
patience as we work on it. I think the thing you guys like
the least is when the audience cheers. I think you don't like
that because it makes you jealous that they are a group
of people who are capable unlike you of joy.
They cheer. The weirdest thing about the live audience, you
know, what makes them cheer the most? Is when you save the
audience.
Six. I got my first though, I go into the audience and I do a
Q&A every night and I got my first jackal in the audience,
first night. Go up. The guy says, I love the show. You
mentioned a Terra Potato Chips on JetBlue. It's actually not
the ones you mentioned, the bag you showed is not the kind
that's on JetBlue, you should have shown a package of Tara
Blues which is correct and so I I had a in-person, my first
in-person jackal interaction and then Shoemaker said, you
know what's interesting? I actually think that Tara Chips
and JetBlue, they developed those chips specifically for
JetBlue and I said that is interesting and then I looked
it up and nope.
Did did Vince Vaughn for a live audience? Pretty jarring moment
for me. Turns out that's the Rudy's cousin of my
impressions. But then we looked back at the tape and I think
the problem was it's too good to see in person. It's like an
eclipse. It's visually stunning but you can't look directly at
it. So, we are gonna continue to do it but on those nights,
the audience will all have like box predictors. They'll have to
like do that thing. Oh, here's one that really rubs me the
wrong way. Like every other one. People said, a lot of you
say, we hate the laugh track that you think there's not an
audience here and we're playing a laugh track. We're not using
a laugh track. We have a actual audience here. Here is a joke
we told with our actual audience. Doctor Anthony Fauci
said in an interview on Sunday that it's safe for Americans to
go trick or treating this year on Halloween. They'll remember,
you may get something worse than COVID. Here it is with a
laugh track. Though remember, you may get something worse
than COVID.
And here it is with a live studio audience from married
with children after a woman says co-ed clothing optional
Labata to Al Bundy. Though remember, you may get something
worse than COVID.
Hopefully, you see the difference. Married with
children used to be a very controversial show. It's so
funny now. I mean, it did humanize Ted Bundy.
Um finally something I've been keeping to myself that I think
now is a good time to share. I got a new hat.
I I got a hat from our now friend, Patty Lyons. Patty, for
those of you if this is your first corrections, Patty, I
should stress if this is your first corrections, I'm guessing
you're not still with us.
Patty I I upset the crochet knitting community Patty as a
means of bearing the bearing sorry I cuz you clarified as
well this is how they say bearing the hasche.
Knitted me a sweater vest and and now this beautiful hat and
I should note like a lot of Patty's fine work. Uh it's
double sided. Did my wig come off?
Just beautiful and again, to my jackals. This right here, this
is why I do it. Free stuff.
And I know this is a hard week for those of you who enjoy the
show the most when it is intimate and I do hope that the
intimacy of corrections still has value for you because as I
said last week it is 100% my favorite part of this whole
endeavor and so with that said I would like to say See if he
called back.
See me next week.