(snare sound as each pops up)
(film reel noise)
VOICEOVER: You loved the Power Rangers when you were a kid.
Now, take a trip down memory lane,
And realize...
What was I thinking!?
*cheesy music plays*
This is terrible!
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: THE MOVIE
Before they try to make a grounded reboot
out of rainbow-suited teenagers karate-fighting a grumblebee
GRUMBLEBEE: Now taste my poison venom!
*evil laugh*
Revisit the first Ranger project that didn't rely on archive Japanese footage
Which only makes it worse.
Now what's their excuse?
You know it's bad when the rapping pumpkin looks better than your CGI robot.
RAPPING PUMPKIN: Ooh, you Rangers make me Mad!
Waking me up with a rap that Bad!
Follow the EXACT SAME FORMULA that cranked out over 800 episodes of television.
Where Rita summons a monster...
The Power Rangers fight their minions hand-to-hand...
Someone gets really big...
MONSTER: I feel big again!
And the Rangers morph into a Zord to save the day.
ALL RANGERS: Ninja Mega-Zord Power Up!
But this time... everybody's parents get drugged into committing mass suicide!
PARENTS: Lead to our doom...
KID: I can't hold them back. What are we gonna do!?
VO: Whoa... that got dark...
Return to the 90s, an era so extreme, every group from the high school
to the fire department has their own competitive skydiving team,
and get pumped, because all your favorite teenagers with attitude have returned.
Uh. Minus the attitude.
"Six extraordinary teenagers"
Also, none of the actors were actually teenagers.
Aaand...three of them are actually replacing your favorites from the show
FRAUD: I'm a fraud.
Still. Three of your favorite non-teenagers without attitude,
and no active contract disputes, are here!
Like Tommy, the only one you care about,
KID: Yeah! Go Tommy!
MONSTER: Yeah!
Kimberley, the damsel in distress,
*Kimberley screaming*
*evil laughter*
KIMBERLEY: I'm burning up in here!
And Billy, the nerd who was bullied so badly he walked off the show
YOST: I was worried that I might take my own life.
Dude. Again, dark.
When Sydney Austr...aaangel Grove, is attacked
by the news of Freddy Krueger as slime monster,
FREDDY: Welcome to my nightmare. *evil laugh* SLIME: Welcome to my nightmare. *evil laugh*
The Rangers will travel to Sydney, Austr...aanother planet,
to gain the power of the ninjetti, which I believe is Italian for ninja.
An all new way to make it easier to swap the actors out with their stunt doubles.
Now they'll come together to save the universe from evil,
with a fresh set of action figures!
dumb new accessories,
PINK: Pteradactyl Thunder-whip!
BLUE: Mega-stinger!
YELLOW: Activating power beam.
VO: and a new, awful looking Zord, complete with emergency junk-kicking action.
*groan*
Ooh, right in the Bulk and Skull.
So gear up for this feature-length episode of what's basically a live action cartoon,
that was so forgettable, the show ignored it,
and did their own episode about ninja powers instead.
NINJOR: You now possess the power of Ninjor, deep within your souls.
But at least it gave more fuel to every Power Ranger's fan's most important question:
Are Tommy and Kimberley hooking up, or what?
*romantic ballad plays*
Now that Jason's out of the picture, they have to be. Right?
So vague.
Starring MMA actually kick your ass,
Pinky and the Brain,
the Sorceress from the He-Man movie,
Fred Sav-ish,
Belloq from Raiders of the Lost Ark...
seriously needed a paycheck,
pointless back hand-springs,
PINK: Seeya!
BLUE: Right behind ya, Kimberley
Ay yi yi yis
ALPHA 5: Ay yi yi yi...yi yi yi yi...yi yi yi...yi yi yi yi yi yi...
Ee-ya!s
VARIOUS: Ee-ya! Ee-ya! Ee-ya! Ee-ya!
ALL: Ee-ya!
Whooshes
*whoosh, swish, whoosh, swish swish whoosh*
WHITE: Let's go get the other one.
*whoosh whoosh whoosh, whooshlewhooshle whooshlewhoosh*
*more over the top whooshing*
*whoosh*
And...the more you know
Teenage Morphin' Ninja Jaegers
*sniffs deeply*
MONSTER: Smells like....teenagers.
So...cloves and Ax body spray?
Eugh.
Hey, Screen Junkies! Want more 90s nostalgia?
then take a trip back down memory lane, to a tale as old as time...
for our honest trailer of Disney's animated Beauty and the Beast.
Or, if it's still Morphin' time,
click the box on the right and watch our interview with the cast of the new Power Rangers movie.
Ay yi yi yi yi!
It's Morphin' time.
How many Lowes could Rob Lowe rob, if Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?
This milk is rated 'S', for spoiled.
You're a turd-biscuit.
Harry Pooter and the Chamber of Secret Farts
Neumono-ultrascopic-silico-volcano-coney-osis