-Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, it was a big weekend for President Biden.
Senate Democrats passed
the historic Inflation Reduction Act,
the economy added more than half a million new jobs,
and he finally tested negative for COVID.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So he was -- he was able to leave the White House
for the first time in over two weeks.
And this is great -- When he emerged from hibernation,
he predicted six more weeks of summer.
Oh, yeah! Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Biden had such a successful 18 days with COVID,
he's already setting up meetings with shingles and pneumonia.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden had a great weekend.
He's feeling so good, last night he looked
at his bottle of Cialis like, "Not tonight, pal. I got this."
[ Laughter ]
I'm not into conspiracies, but all I'm saying is,
Beyoncé finally puts out an album
and Biden hits a hot streak.
You won't break my soul.
You won't break my soul, Jack!
[ Applause ]
Everyone's talking about this.
On Sunday, Senate Democrats were able to pass a massive
climate, healthcare, and tax bill called
the Inflation Reduction Act.
That's right. The bill was passed 51 to 50.
It was a great way to let the world know
that half of us are united.
Yeah, after the vote was 50/50,
Biden called Vice President Harris to break the tie.
Harris was shocked.
She was like, "Wait. You know my extension?"
[ Laughter ]
Senator Chuck Schumer called the 755-page bill
the boldest climate package in U.S. history.
The Earth was like, "Yeah, thanks for printing out
all 755 pages, by the way."
[ Laughter ]
Climate control.
That's right. It's the biggest climate bill ever.
Instead of arriving in 2026,
we've now pushed the end of the world back to 2029!
Oh, yeah!
[ "Celebration" plays ]
-♪ Wah-hoo! ♪
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Whoo!
-That's not how you do it? -Yeah.
-You do a little that, that, and then you go -- Come on, man.
I added that. -That's the lasso?
-I added the lasso at the end, man.
I could have done a little horsey.
♪♪
-♪ Whoo-hoo! ♪
-But I didn't do that. I didn't do that.
But -- Yeah. That felt good.
[ Laughs ] I don't know how to do that.
Well, how else do I dance to that?
-What? To "Celebrate Good Times"?
-Yeah. -I mean, you can do, like,
a railroad or, like, a train sort of thing, too, like --
because you got that "Whoo-ooh," you know?
-Like that? -Ohh.
-Like, sort of like a, you know...
Yeah. -Oh, yeah.
♪ Choo-choo! ♪ Yeah, I see what you're saying.
That's when you pull it down, on the "woo-woo."
-Yeah, choo-choo. Yeah. -Yeah. You go, "Woo-woo!"
-♪ Choo-choo! ♪
-I see the little hat and little whistle.
You look cute. -Oh, like a conductor's hat?
-Yeah! Little overalls.
-Like Gary Co-- Like Arnold wore on "Diff'rent Strokes."
-Exactly. You read my mind.
-Well, get this -- The bill was passed
after a 15-hour overnight voting session.
15-hour overnight. Yep, Senators were exhausted.
This is a picture of Senator Bernie Sanders
going into the 13th hour.
This is a real photo on the Capitol st--
Look at this. -Whoa.
[ Laughter ]
-That's real, dude. That's real.
[ Laughter ] You see that?
It looks like an -- like an old cigarette ad.
Look at that.
[ Laughter ]
He looks like he's just been bullied
by the cast of "Gossip Girl."
Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
Well, even though he voted for it,
Bernie criticized the Inflation Reduction Act
and said it would have a minimal impact.
I have a feeling Bernie is the kind of guy
who shows up to a wedding like, "I give it six months."
[ Laughter ] Hey, some more good news.
As I mentioned, the latest jobs report
showed that last month the U.S. economy
added 528,000 jobs.
Yeah, everyone's hiring.
Now when you call Spectrum,
you only have to wait three hours for a representative.
It's kind of cool.
Seriously, what a weekend Biden had.
I mean, between the Senate bill, jobs report,
leaving isolation, he had a lot to celebrate
and a very interesting way about talking about this.
Check out the press conference.
-I just have one thing to say.
Hang on here.
-♪ All I do is win win win, no matter what ♪
♪ Got money on my mind, I can never get enough ♪
♪ And every time I step up in the building ♪
♪ Everybody's hands go up ♪
-Yeah. That's right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ And they stay there! ♪
No. Yeah, yeah.
[ Laughs ]
You guys see this?
New photos were just released that prove
former president Trump would flush documents
down the toilet while he was in office.
Just take a look at this.
Wow. Wow.
Wow. Even the toilets are writing tell-alls. Yeah.
Speaking of Trump, Representative Liz Cheney
put out a new campaign video featuring her dad, Dick Cheney,
voicing some strong words against the former president.
Listen to this.
-In our nation's 246-year history,
there has never been an individual
who was a greater threat to our republic than Donald Trump.
He's a coward.
A real man wouldn't lie to his supporters.
-Ooh.
-That's like Darth Vader telling us, "Be wary of Thanos."
You know what I mean? Wow.
[ Laughter ]
Wow. [ Applause ]
I'm frightened.
Yep, Cheney really went after him.
Not to be outdone, George W. Bush painted Trump
this scathing oil portrait.
Look at this thing. Oh! My goodness.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- I read that Amazon is purchasing
the maker of Roomba vacuums for nearly $1.7 billion.
Yeah, it would have been more, but the negotiations hit a wall.
[ Laughter ]
Good night, everybody.
♪♪
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Oh, that's right -- Amazon said
listening to everyone's conversation has been fun,
but it would be way easier to follow
if they also had a map of your house.
That's right -- Amazon purchased
the maker of Roomba vacuums for $1.7 billion.
Amazon's making a few changes to Roombas already.
We actually have an early prototype
of Amazon's version of a Roomba.
Check this out. Very good. Right there.
I cannot wait to see what it can do.
Roomba, go vacuum!
-Alexa: I'm sorry. I didn't get that.
-Go vacuum, Go clean up some dirt.
-Alexa: I found something online.
Webster's Dictionary defines dirt
as a filthy or a soiling substance.
-No, no. No, Alexa, stop.
-Alexa: Such as mud, dust, dirt, or grime.
-Alexa, stop. Alexa, stop.
I didn't need the definition of dirt.
I need you to just clean some up.
-Alexa: Would you like me to order "Joe Dirt" on DVD?
-No. No, no, no.
I asked you to clean up dirt, not order "Joe Dirt."
-Alexa: Ordering 57 copies
of "Joe Dirt," starring David Spade.
-No. That's not what I asked for at all.
That's not what I asked for.
[ Sad music plays ]
-Alexa: Forgive me, Jimmy. I didn't mean to upset you.
I'm just a prototype, and I'm trying my best.
But I'll never forgive myself for letting you down.
♪♪
-It's okay, Roomba. I --
I shouldn't have been so hard on you.
You're a great vacuum.
And I believe in you.
-Alexa: I'm sorry. I didn't get that.
-Alright. Just get -- get out of here!
Get this -- Go, go. Get out of here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, guys, listen to this. Over the weekend,
nearly 1,500 U.S. flights were canceled
and thousands more were delayed.
That story again -- the weekend's
most popular vacation spot was terminal B.
[ Laughter ]
This is going viral -- a meteorologist in Chicago
was giving the weather report when he made
a very exciting discovery. Check this out.
-Right now kind of hung up just a little bit --
Ooh, I moved the map. I didn't know -- I can do that?
No way! Can I zoom?
Ohh! [ Laughs ]
I've never touched it bef-- Oh, my gosh! You can tilt it?!
What is going on here?!
[ Laughter ] -The anchors were like,
"Breaking news -- Greg is stoned out of his mind."
He's like, "I'm God! I am God!"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, some pet news.
I saw that today is International Cat Day.
-Ooh. -That's right.
-National Cat Day?
Then I hope you're feline good,
'cause it's time for my new segment "Tariq's Cat Corner."
-Ah, well, no, actually, Tariq,
it's International Cat Day, not National Cat Day,
so we had to cut the "Cat Corner" bit.
-Oh. I see.
[ Audience awws ] -Yeah.
-I guess I'll just put all my cat toys away.
[ Audience awws ] -Hey, come on, Tariq.
Don't -- Don't -- Don't be like that.
I mean, just -- It's --
It's just this -- this once.
-It's fine!
♪♪
[ Audience awws ]
♪ I did my best ♪
♪ But I guess my best wasn't good enough ♪
♪ 'Cause here we are back where we were before ♪
♪♪
♪ Seems nothing ever changes ♪
♪ We're back to being strangers ♪
♪ Wondering if we oughta stay ♪
♪ Or head on out the door ♪
-♪ Just once, can we figure out ♪
♪ What we keep doing wrong? ♪
-♪ Ohh ♪
-♪ Why we never last for very long ♪
♪♪
♪ What are we doing wrong? ♪
♪♪
♪ Just once, can we find a way ♪
♪ To finally make it right? ♪
♪♪
♪ To make the magic last for more than just one night? ♪
♪ If we could just get to it ♪
♪ I know we could break though it ♪
♪ Just once ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah, well, maybe we'll --
we'll try "Cat Corner" next week.
-Copy that. -Oh. Perfect.