>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW JON, YOU CAN BACK ME UP
ON THIS.
A LOT OF THINGS WE TALK ABOUT ON THIS SHOW.
A LOT OF THINGS I COME HERE AND SPOKE ABOUT NIGHT AFTER NIGHT,
OVER THE LAST 300 SHOWS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, FROM THE
START OF THE SHOW.
THERE'S ONE THING I HAVEN'T DONE ON THIS SHOW AND THAT'S TALK
ABOUT BILL O'REILLY.
HE COMES ON THE SHOW, WE HAVE A GOOD TIME.
WE HAVE NICE CONVERSATIONS, BUT I TALKED ABOUT HIM FOR, LIKE, 10
YEARS, AND I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH.
BUT I DO TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, AND TODAY THE TWO WORLDS
COLLIDED WHEN TRUMP STUCK HIS, LET'S SAY FINGER, INTO
O'REILLY'S STICKY SITUATION.
SEE, ON SATURDAY "THE NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTED THAT FOX NEWS
HAS SPENT MORE THAN $13 MILLION TO SETTLE SEXUAL HARASSMENT
SUITS AGAINST BILL O'REILLY, ALTHOUGH O'REILLY SAYS THE
ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM ARE WITHOUT MERIT.
OKAY, "NEW YORK TIMES"?
WHAT HAPPENED TO INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN TO HAVE $13 MILLION?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT, BUT, THAT'S $13 MILLION-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S $13 MILLION MORE INNOCENT
THAN I AM, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
BUT $13 MILLION MIGHT JUST BE THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG-- THOUGH
THE TIP IS THE MOST SENSITIVE PART OF THE ICEBERG--
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY OVER THERE?
JUST KEEP BREATHING, JON.
HERE WE GO.
BECAUSE MORE THAN 30 COMPANIES HAVE WITHDRAWN THEIR
ADVERTISEMENTS FROM "THE O'REILLY FACTOR," INCLUDING
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BMW, MERCEDES BENZ, UNTUCKIT
SHIRTS, AND A MARKETING SERVICE CALLED CONSTANT CONTACT.
WHO HAVE NOW HAD TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO "CONSTANT CONSENSUAL
CONTACT."
HERE'S WHERE THE WORLDS COLLIDE.
O'REILLY'S IN A REAL PICKLE, BUT TODAY DONALD TRUMP'S GOT HIS
BACK.
THE PRESIDENT TOLD THE "TIMES," "HE IS A GOOD PERSON.
I THINK HE SHOULDN'T HAVE SETTLED.
I DON'T THINK BILL DID ANYTHING WRONG."
>> Audience: BOOO!
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT-- HOLD ON.
MR. PRESIDENT, I WANT TO REMIND YOU, YOU JUST DECLARED APRIL
SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH.
AND THERE ARE TWO ACCUSATIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT I'M AWARE OF:
BILL O'REILLY, AND YOURS.
SO MAYBE-- I'M GOING OUT ON A LIMB HERE-- MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE
PERFECT PERSON TO WEIGH IN ON THIS ONE.
DO YOU KNOW WHO MIGHT BE BETTER?
YOUR DAUGHTER IVANKA SEEMS TO HAVE A VERY ENLIGHTENED APPROACH
TO THESE ISSUES.
I LIKE WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.
THIS MORNING, IVANKA TRUMP APPEARED ON "CBS THIS MORNING,"
AND GAYLE KING ASKED HER ABOUT HER RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER
FATHER'S POLICIES.
>> YOU HEAR THE PHRASE "COMPLICIT," THAT JARED AND
IVANKA ARE COMPLICIT IN WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
CAN YOU JUST WEIGH IN ON HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
>> IF BEING COMPLICIT IS WANTING TO BE A FORCE FOR GOOD AND TO
MAKE A POSITIVE IMPACT, THEN I'M COMPLICIT.
>> Stephen: NOPE, THAT'S NOT WHAT "COMPLICIT" MEANS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY, LET ME SEE HERE.
I HAVE A DICTIONARY RIGHT HERE.
I HAVE A DICTIONARY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
COLLABORATIONIST, COWARDLY-- HERE WE GO-- COMPLICIT:
"INVOLVED WITH "INVOLVED WITH OTHERS IN AN
ILLEGAL ACTIVITY OR WRONGDOING."
OH, WAIT, IT DOES HAVE "BEING A FORCE FOR GOOD AND MAKING A
POSITIVE IMPACT," UNDER "COMPLICIT, COMMA, TOTAL
OPPOSITE OF."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) OKAY, YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T--
YOU CAN'T JUST REVERSE THE DEFINITION TO MAKE YOURSELF
SOUND BETTER.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "IF BEING A NAZI MEANS FIGHTING FOR CIVIL
RIGHTS, THEN, YEAH, I'M A HUGE NAZI."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THERE'S NO WAY!
THERE'S NO WAY WHAT I SAID WILL EVER BE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT,
RIGHT?
OKAY, I'M SAFE.
THEN IVANKA ELABORATED ON THE KIND OF INFLUENCE SHE HAS ON THE
PRESIDENT.
>> CAN YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING THAT YOU DISAGREE WITH
HIM ON AND THAT YOU THINK THAT BY SPEAKING UP TO HIM, IT MADE
HIM CHANGE HIS POSITION OR SOFTEN HIS POSITION?
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THAT?
>> I THINK THAT FOR ME THIS ISN'T ABOUT PROMOTING MY
VIEWPOINTS.
I WASN'T ELECTED BY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO BE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: TO BE FAIR, YOUR FATHER WASN'T ELECTED BY THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE EITHER-- JUST THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S PRESIDENT.
I'M NOT SAYING HE'S NOT PRESIDENT, BUT WE DIDN'T-- YOU--
DO THE MATH.
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A DIVIDED NATION.
THAT IS CLEAR.
WE HAVE A DEEPLY DIVIDED NATION.
BUT TODAY IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE HAS COME TOGETHER TO JOIN THE
PROTEST AGAINST THE NEW PROTEST AD FROM PEPSI.
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN IT?
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE AD?
LET ME WALK YOU THROUGH IT.
IT STARTS WITH A THRONG OF BEAUTIFUL, MULTIETHNIC PEOPLE
PROTESTING IN THE STREETS OF, I'M GOING TO GUESS NEWPORT,
RHODE ISLAND.
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS
CAUSED ALL OF AMERICA'S HOT EXTRAS TO TAKE TO THE STREETS,
BUT I'M GUESSING IT'S A PROTEST FOR "ATTRACTIVE LIVES MATTER."
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU SEEN THIS THING?
AND THE SIGNS THEY'RE HOLDING AREN'T MUCH HELP FIGURING THINGS
OUT.
THEY SAY THINGS LIKE"PEACE," AND THE PEACE SYMBOL, AND "JOIN THE
CONVERSATION."
"JOIN THE CONVERSATION."
THAT'S THE MOST CORPORATE MESSAGE OF ALL TIME.
THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE HOLDING SIGNS THAT SAY, "WE ARE ALL THE
CORE DEMOGRAPHIC."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) VERY GOOD.
THANK YOU.
BUT AT FIRST-- STOP IT!
BUT AT FIRST, A FIRST THIS WAS A MOVEMENT WITHOUT A LEADER UNTIL
THE PROTEST ROUTE JUST HAPPENED TO PASS BY KENDALL JENNER DOING
A FASHION SHOOT FOR ALUMINUM SIDING.
THEN SHE MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH A CUTE BOY WHO BROUGHT HIS
CELLO TO A PROTEST.
THIS PROMPTS HER TO RIP OFF HER BLONDE WIG, GIVE IT TO HER
ASSISTANT, AND JOIN THE CONVERSATION.
JIM, CAN WE GET A CLOSE OF THE ASSISTANT SHE GIVES THE WIG TO?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, SHE IS NOT THRILLED ABOUT BEING KENDALL'S WIG CADDY.
SHE MIGHT WANT TO JOIN A CONSERVATION WITH HER AGENT
ABOUT FINDING A BETTER ACTING JOB.
ONCE KENDALL JENNER HAS MADE THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE OF WIPING OFF
HER LIPSTICK, IT'S SUPER FUN, UNTIL THE MARCH MEETS THE
WORLD'S LEAST-INTIMIDATING POLICE FORCE.
THEY'RE ALSO EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE.
WATCH OUT, KENDALL.
THOSE UNARMED COPS MIGHT START STRIPPING!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ LUCKILY-- YOU CAN'T AFFORD ME!
( LAUGHTER ) LUCKILY, MS. JENNER, A WEALTHY,
YOUNG, WHITE WOMAN, KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO HANDLE POLICE
AT A PROTEST.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YEAH!
THEY DID IT!
YES, WE CAN, OF PEPSI!
THIS COMMERCIAL ENDS WITH A MESSAGE EVEN MORE PROFOUND THAN
"JOIN THE CONVERSATION": "LIVE FOR NOW."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I THINK I'M READING THAT CORRECTLY.
IS THAT HOW YOU'RE-- FOR NOW?
>> Jon: FOR NOW.
>> Stephen: YES, "LIVE-- LIVE FOR NOW," ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE
PEPSI'S MARKETING DEPARTMENT BECAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS
ARE GOING TO BE THERE FOR LONG.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL HELP YOU DO YOUR TAXES.
STICK AROUND.