What uses positivity unless it's to help
us be happier and less stressed. You get
seven specific strategies today. Scott
Wilhite is back with me today at Live on
Purpose TV. He is the author of the seven
core skills of everyday happiness which
is one of my favorite books now, Scott.
You really introduced some game-changing
opportunities here which we've talked
about before on the channel.
The main thing folks that I got from
this is that happiness is a skill. I've
been out there all this time to teach in
them it's a choice. Oh, I hated that. That
was bugged me because I was choosing
happiness every day and I was getting
more miserable every single day. I used
to hear it to annoy you,
right? Well, and it is a choice. It is.
But it's a choice kind of like playing
the piano is a choice, right? But well, but
also sometimes we can get mixed up in
doing things that we think will bring us
happiness and it really doesn't. And we
just get mired in this and, you know. We
think it's going to make it super happy and
yet we get to the end and it doesn't and
so, we think we need more or the next or
something and we're just on that rap
that squirrel-cage.
And it's so frustrating. And I was there
for so long. So, yeah. This was written
because I needed to learn it and because
I had just discovered a little secret
there. And thank you for that
acknowledgement. Because sometimes you'll
watch the channel here and it's like, "Oh,
there's Dr. Paul and there's the big
author Scott. Well, they never really had
it hard." Well, first of all, you don't know
where we've been. But Scott, you just
illuminated and acknowledged that you've
been there. You've been in that place of
of depression, of feeling the darkness or
the weight or oppressive nature of just
life kicking your butt sometimes. And you
had to find a way out of that. Yeah. And
actually this is a product of that. Yeah,
do you want me to tell you just a little
bit about where I started? Yeah. I went
through probably 10 years of darkness.
Where I was so frustrated, I was in my
head all the time. I was sure that my job
was causing my discomfort my, you know, my
frustration in life and so, I was always
trying to create something new that
would get me a new job. Anyway, I just
always felt like it was outside of me
and the more I focused on that the more
miserable I became. And I was just so
worked up over this. I was obsessed over.
Right. Now, my wife thought I was
depressed. And she really wanted me to
talk to a counselor and I was
embarrassed to do that. To talk to a
therapist. I was embarrassed to do that
because I knew that I wasn't depressed. I
was discouraged. And I felt like I had a
purpose, I had a meaning to my life and
yet I didn't know how to fulfill that.
And I was just so obsessed on all these
things that I thought would bring me
success and happiness and fulfillment
and they didn't. And so, you know when I
would hear people say happiness is a
choice, it was so frustrating because
know I'm choosing it every day but I
didn't have the clarity to really see
that. Now, one example... One story, if you
don't mind me sharing. Yeah. I'm a
filmmaker by trade. And one thing that
happened to me was years ago they sent
me to Mongolian to film these, they were
restoring sight to the blind. It was this
amazing thing. And in my mind, you know,
I'm seeing these doctors who are doing
this cutting-edge stuff that is so
cutting-edge that they can't work on
people here in the United States because
the FDA approval is going to test get it
cleared. Yes. And they're going to go there,
they're going to work on them, they're going to
test it out and and figure out, you know,
this new science. And so, in my mind, I'm
I'm picturing these people like suddenly
having their sight restored to them and
what life is like and I get a capture
that on film and I'm so excited. Well, 2
things happen. First of all, it did happen
that they were excited and they got
their eyesight restored almost like that.
And I filmed these 3 old guys and
they're on this this table talking to
each other. I mean, to us and they're so
excited. They're talking over each other
and there's
saying, "I could read the words. I
can see this nurse." Things they hadn't
been able to see before.
But what I didn't know is the surgery
that they were doing. It was cataract
removal surgery. Now, that is such a
simple thing. In our country, we get our...
We get cataracts removed like we get
our teeth cleaned. You don't... You go in,
you get out, boom, you're done. But for
them, they didn't know that they could
have this. They didn't know about this,
the technology and so these
cataracts would build up over years and
everything and their eyesight would just
fade to where they finally couldn't see.
Well, that is what happens to all of us
mentally. Psychologically, we get these
mental cataracts on our minds, on
our thinking and it clouds us and unless
we have somebody like Dr. Paul. Somebody
outside. A coach, a friend, somebody who
could see how you're acting and behaving
and see your belief systems from an
outsider's perspective and give you that
clarity to help you move forward. So, I am
so grateful that I found people who
helped me out so that I found out that
I was my own biggest problem. And
once I was able to remove some of those
cataracts, I've been working for the last
four and a half years to remove more, to
get more clarity and understanding and
understand happiness as a skill is one
of the key parts of that. And really a skill set.
Yes. Yeah. So, it's multiple skills. In fact,
you've identified seven of those in your
book. Skills that you can actually
practice and develop and get into the
habit of performing these skills. Might
be helpful to just do a quick overview
of what those seven skills are? Yeah. Are you down
for that? Yeah, let's do that. Number one is
gratitude.
Number one the king of all is gratitude.
Now, if you if you take nothing else away
from this video, except the understanding
that gratitude will change your life,
that is the key. Like, you can google
it. You can google like happiness, research,
gratitude and you will find all of these
scientific studies where people who
elevate their gratitude, it changes their
lives. Now, I'm want o tell you one quick
key point of what gratitude is. Gratitude
is not
thankfulness. And I got this mixed up all
the time. Yeah. Because thankfulness...
Help us see the difference there.
Well, okay. Gratitude is recognizing you
are the recipient of deliberate kindness.
There's this exchange of love, there's
this human connection. Well, I mean it
doesn't have to be human. It could be us
in God, it could be us in nature. But
there is a connection with others. You
are the recipient of deliberate kindness.
It's an acknowledgment or an
understanding that, that is your position.
Yeah, yeah, you just got a free gift. A
great gift of love. So there's this
exchange. Deliberately, yeah. Intentionally.
So... And thankfulness, I would often turn
thankfulness into a negative, actually.
Because I would turn thankfulness into
indebtedness to where somebody would do
something nice for me. For example, I
needed to move a washer/dryer set. I
don't have a truck so I borrowed a
friend's truck, and I thanked him over
and over and over again.
I was not grateful, I was indebted and I
felt less of a man, you know... Interesting.
And so, you can turn a negative or you
know a positive into a negative by
focus. But when you experience true
gratitude, it's a feeling and the more
you can feel it, the more you could like
really amplify that in your life, the
more it will change you. Wow, I had to
pull out your book because I'm like, "Yeah,
gratitude, right there number one." Skill
number 2, "Savor the now." Savor the now.
Talk about that. Well, that is really, I
mean, and all of these can be taken
in multiple ways. and they're really
categories, you know, skill sets. Savor
the now to me means being present. It
means, being fully here, right here where
we're at. They say that if you're
stressed, you're living in the future. If
you're depressed you're living in the
past. Yeah. If you're happy, (It's really
true) you're in the present. I mean, that's kind
of one example. There are so many
different things that tie into that. One
of my favorite parts about savor the now
is forgiveness. I mean, we don't really
think of forgiveness so much as a skill.
And a lot of times, it's tied to religion
or something. But really, when you forgive
somebody, you let the past go. You let the
healing begin and you're
able to move on and to be fully present.
You can't be fully present if you were
continually obsessing over something
that happened it the past. Replaying it in your
mind constantly. Over and over again. Taking that
venom. It is the poison through your system.
So I mean, that's just like one example.
But really, (Yeah) it shows you that it can
be a skill. This is something that you
can work on and improve and get better
at. And the more you do that, the more you
take control over your life, the less
you're living in reactionary, the less
you're being tossed around because bad
stuff happens all the time.
Now, you're able to choose happiness.
Really understand it because it's become
a skill to you. Get to have some joy
right now.
Awesome. How about this next one, "Lift
someone else." Lift someone else, the
service component. Now, I'm sure you've
done something where you've served
somebody else and you feel great about
it.
Well, how often do you have a really bad
day and you wake up and you're feeling
horrible and then you come up with this
idea,
"I'm going to go serve someone else." We
typically don't do that. It's not the
default pattern of your mind.
No, no. We spiral down, we think about
ourselves and we get into our little you
know, shells of ourselves and it
doesn't do us any good. But if we're able
to get outside of ourselves, help lift
somebody else, help serve somebody else,
connect you to someone
that you love. And again, there's that
exchange of love, it's all about love.
Then suddenly, you're able to really
transform things and and have that
happiness it comes. We're talking about a
skill. So, you get to practice this even
if it doesn't come naturally to you and
most skills don't at first, come
naturally to you. Yeah and I am
definitely not a naturally any of this.
And so, I've been working on it and when
I... And I have a lot of bad mornings and
I'll wake up and I will put these into
practice and I'm surprised how often
they pull me out of my funk.
Yeah, well let's go to the next one here.
"Don't worry." Don't worry. Love it. Yeah, you
know, you think of a song from what the
80's, "Don't worry, be happy." Yeah. But really,
and this one is kind of a mental detox
skill. So, often we collect this baggage
and we have the
stuff that we drag around with us all
the time. When we need to take some
mental cleansing time and get rid of
things that are holding us back there
are weighing us down and don't worry is the
detox skill. And so, you can do things
deliberately, intentionally to clear them.
To get focused, to be in the now. But it's
it's kind of that intention that I'm
going to get rid of the toxins that are
in me I'm going to figure out where I'm
having these issues that are slowing me
down and bringing me down. And then
moving forward with it. I just had
an image with this, Scott. Do you remember
Tom Hanks' "Bridge of Spies.'' That movie
that came out couple years.
And there was a scene where the
character was confronting the Russian
spy that was depicted in this movie and
he said you don't seem worried. And he
simply responded, "Would it help?" And
he said that several times in the movie.
I love that. I remember it. I can't even
remember where I heard this. It was in
another movie that they said, "Well, if you
worry then you suffer twice." Potentially,
yeah. And I've heard... There's a
quote attributed to Mark Twain. I don't
know if he actually really said it. But
he said, "I've been through some horrible
things in my life. Some of which actually
happened." Yeah. You know, but there is all
this, you know, negative energy that we
take on us. When we worry about stuff and
it
constrict us and stresses us out. And a
lot of times
none of that bad stuff ever actually
happens. We are telling ourselves a story
we are being bad fortune tellers but
just forecast their doom to us. What
we don't know, we're just predicting that.
Yeah. So, you know, learning to rewrite the
story. Learning to reframe things. Those
are skills. Practice them over and over again.
And you'll be more in control.
I love skill number 5 here too. I love
all these, Scott. Me too. Foster positive
relationships.
I don't know. But wouldn't even know if we
need to talk much about that one. But
these relationships, notice that every
problem you're facing can be solved in a
conversation or in a relationship.
Because there's people who know things
that you don't know. And if you don't
know someone who knows the answer to
your problem, you probably know someone
who knows
someone who knows the answer to your
problem. Yeah. That's part of where my
mind went. But positive relationships
helped to make us more resilient and
psychologically robust. Absolutely. And
having that as something that you will
deliberately, intentionally focus on, I
mean, that's just so key. Yeah, we take
relationships for granted. And we wonder
why our marriages fail, we wonder why our
our kids don't like us anymore. There's
so much we could talk about on this.
And in fact, the next one, we are
doing the whole other video on. And you
can look for that. Because this one is
improved daily. And will save some of the
nuggets for that other video. You're
going to love that one. wWen this is the thing
that's been changing me the most in the
last like six or nine months so. Yeah.
Check that one out. Amazing and then
skill number 7, "Begin again." Yeah, what
do you mean by that? You know, again, this
is a classification. This can mean so
many different things. It could mean you
fail today. Great, tomorrow's another day.
You can begin again. It could mean you
started to plateau on these skills and
you know, you got pretty good at them,
Well, start them again. See, if you can up
level and see what else you can do to
get better at it. What is the next
chapter of your life? You know, it's not
over, right?
You're not done yet. Yeah. So, there's so much
that you can do to really keep moving
forward but to take a deliberate choice.
You know, make it a deliberate choice as
you do that. Scott's done some amazing
work. And that one idea about happiness
being a skill set, huge. I hope that you
continue to practice by coming back
every day. I'll see you tomorrow.