>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW
MY NEXT GUEST FROM "THE RUSSELL HOWARD HOUR" AND HIS NETFLIX
STAND UP SPECIAL "LUBRICANT."
PLEASE WELCOME RUSSELL HOWARD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HELLO!
LOOK AT THIS.
I LOVE GIGGING IN AMERICA.
YOU'RE SO HAPPY.
( LAUGHTER )
WE ARE, WE ARE.
OF I DID A SHOW IN ENGLAND RECENTLY, AND I WAS JOKING ABOUT
MY LAZY EYE, AND THIS MAN STOOD UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AND
WENT, "I DON'T LIKE IT."
( LAUGHTER )
ABOUT YOUR EYE, BECAUSE I HAVE GOT A LAZY EYE."
SURELY IF ANYONE CAN, YOU CAN LOOK THE OTHER WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO YOU DON'T MIND THAT.
HE DISAGREED.
HE WAS VERY UPSET.
PHYSICALLY AND METAPHORICALLY, WE COULDN'T SEE EYE TO EYE.
WE HAVE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES.
WE HAVE TO.
PARTICULARLY IF YOU'RE BRITISH.
WE'RE A LUDICROUS NATION.
THERE WAS A HEADLINE THAT GENUINELY SAID, "CAN HACKERS
SECRETLY CONTROL OUR HOT TUBS?"
HOW GOOD IS YOUR LIFE IF THAT'S A GENUINE CONCERN?
"I CAN'T SLEEP, ROGER.
IT'S THE JACUZZI.
WE'RE BEING HACKED."
( LAUGHTER )
"THERE'S SOME OPERATIVE IN MOSCOW.
SHALL WE DESTABILIZE THEIR ECONOMY?"
"NO."
"SHOULD WE FURTHER INVADE UKRAINE?"
"NO, LET'S HEAD TO BRITAIN.
LET'S MAKE THE OUTSIDE BATH LESS BUBBLY THAN THEY DESIRE."
AND THIS ARTICLE WENT ON.
APPARENTLY, HACKERS CAN CONTROL YOUR FRIDGE, YOUR TV, AND MY
FAVORITE, YOUR SEX TOY.
AGAIN, IT'S NOT LIKELY, ISN'T IT, EVEN IF THEY COULD.
WHAT'S THE WORSE THAT WOULD HAPPEN?
( LAUGHTER )
THE VERY LEAST.
THAT IS A GREAT EXCUSE.
"I CAN'T STOP IT, BRYAN, IT'S VLADIMIR PUTIN."
THINK IT.
THINK IT THROUGH.
FIVE TIMES HE'S GOT ME DOING IT TODAY!
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?
IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S GOING TO BE REMOTE-CONTROL SEX TOYS
LEAPING OUT OF CUBBARDS CHASING BRITISH MEN DOWN THE STREET.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE SWITCHING ON THE BBC, FIVE MORE PEOPLE
TODAY WERE DILL DOUGHED TO DEATH.
THE FOOTAGE IS SHOCKING, BUT WE HAVE THEIR FINAL WORDS.
"OH, YEAH!
OH, HELL, YEAH."
WE HAVE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES.
LAUGHTER IS THE LUBERICANT THAT MAKES LIFE LIVABLE.
AND HUMAN BEINGS ARE WEIRD.
WE BLAME ANIMALS FOR OUR CREEPY BEHAVIOR.
YOU HAVE NOTICED THAT?
YOU KNOW THE PHRASE "CATFISH."
SOMEONE GOES ON LINE, TENDS TO BE SOMEONE ELSE.
CATFISH DON'T DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
OF A DOLPHIN.
( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU EVER SIGN WOLF WHISTLE?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BANLER BADGER.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN ELEPHANT IN A ROOM GO GO, "I KNOW?"
NO, THAT'S US, BECAUSE WE'RE WEIRD.
PARTICULARLY ONLINE.
WE BEHAVE ONLINE THE WAY WE NEVER WOULD IN REAL LIFE.
INSTAGRAM IS RAY GREAT EXAMPLE.
YOU AN SEE A PICTURE OF A GIRL IN A BIKINI AND YOU CAN LIKE IT.
IMAGINE DOING THAT IN REAL LIFE?
"I LIKE THAT.
THAT IS ALL RIGHT, THAT IS.
GIVE ME THE EGGPLANT.
I'M GOING TO WAVE A VEGETABLE AT A GIRL I DON'T KNOW."
WE LIVE IN BAFFLING TIMES.
LOOK AT POLITICS.
THE LEFT ARE TOO LEFT AND SHE RIGHT ARE TOO RIGHT.
COVID'S NOT REAL.
WE NEED REAL GUNS.
AND THE LEFT ARE JUST AS BAD-- "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO CALL
FEMALE FISHERMEN?" IT IS REAL, VAJANGLERS.
CAN WE NOT DISCUSS SOMETHING THAT MATTERS.
LOOK AT BRITISH POLITICS.
IT'S PROOF THAT CREAM CAN RISE TO THE TOP, BUT TURDS CAN FLOAT
THERE, TOO.
OUR LEADER IS BORIS JOHNSON.
OURS IS ASLEEP.
YOURS IS PASSED OUT.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO TUMBLE OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
HIS BRAINS IS LIKE CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY.
AND HE'S IN CHARGE OF US!
HERE'S AN INTERESTING THING-- DID YOU KNOW THAT COUNTRIES RUN
BY WOMEN DID BETTER IN THE PANDEMIC THAN THE ONES RUN BY
MEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THAT IS SUCH A GREAT-- IT'S AN AMAZING REACTION.
THE WOMEN WERE ALL CHEERING AND YOU FEEL ALL THE FEALS GOING,
"WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS NEVER GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY."
( LAUGHTER )
FOOTBALL TEAM, BUT I COULD DEFINITELY..."
IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME.
ALL THE WOMEN I KNOW ARE COMPASSIONATE, GOOD IN A CRISIS.
I WAS ON THE TUBE IN LONDON RECENTLY AND A LADY GOT STUCK IN
THE TRAIN DOOR.
AND HER FRIEND RESCUED HER.
THEY'RE LIKE, "SARA."
THEY WERE STROKING HER HAIR.
"I WAS SCARED, GIRL, I WAS SCARED."
IF THAT WAS A MAN, HE'D STILL BE IN THE DOOR.
"SERIOUSLY.
SAY HELLO TO TIKTOK, MATE.
YOU'RE GOING VIRAL."
( LAUGHTER )
TO ME PUP KNOW, THE FEMALE LEADERS.
THEY LOOKED AFTER THEIR NATIONS LIKE MUMS.
THAT'S WHAT MOMS DO, ISN'T IT?
THEY PROTECT YOU.
THEY WARN YOU ABOUT THINGS YOU DIDN'T EVEN CONSIDER.
REMEMBER WHEN UPPER FIVE AND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOUR
MOM WAS LIKE, DON'T RUN WITH SCISSORS."
"ALL RIGHT, I WASN'T PLANNING ON IT."
"DON'T PUT A KNIFE IN A PLUG SOCKET."
"AGAIN, NOT ON MY TO-DO LIST."
THIS IS THE WEIRDEST.
WHEN YOU'RE EIGHT, "DON'T PUT TWO PENCILS UP YOUR NOSE AND
SMASH YOUR HEAD ON A DESK."
"THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, MOM.
WE WERE LITERALLY ABOUT TO PLAY SUICIDE WALRUS.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?" THANK YOU O MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RUSSELL ON THE U.S. LEG OF HIS WORLD COMEDY TOUR, "RESPITE."
TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE AT HIS WEBSITE.
RUSSEL HOWARD, EVERYBODY!
THANKS, RUSSELL.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE JULIA IOFFE AND THOMAS
LENNON.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT, Y'ALL.