- No, we need to address some of this shit.
(audience laughs)
'Cause I'm seeing a lot of shit that's throwing me off.
That's throwing me off.
Like I'm seeing a whole lot of old faces with new teeth.
What the fuck is going on?
(upbeat music)
- Good thing we're entering a new time
when people can feel comfortable being who they really are.
'Cause we couldn't do that when I was a kid.
(audience cheers)
You couldn't. When I was a kid,
you couldn't do any of that stuff, dude.
If you grew up in the '80s and the '90s,
if you did anything non-masculine,
if you did anything remotely non-masculine as a dude,
the whole neighborhood was like, "Fag!"
(audience laughs)
"Santino's a fag!" (audience laughs)
And I'd be like, "I'm hugging my dad."
(audience laughs)
And they'd be like, "Okay, fag.
Suck his dick, dude." (audience laughs)
I'd be like, "You heard what he said pops, we gotta do it."
(audience laughs)
It was crazy. That's crazy.
I don't care about the judgment anymore
'cause you don't know what other people like and don't like.
You know? You don't know.
Who are you to judge other people?
Jesus was gay. (audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
Tell me Jesus wasn't gay.
(audience laughs and cheers)
I watched a whole documentary on this guy.
The whole time I was like, "Damn!"
(audience laughs)
It was wild. He was beautiful.
He was so hot, this guy.
Just jacked. (audience laughs)
Had like an eight pack, skinny,
beautiful long straight hair, never fucked girls.
(audience laughs)
What are you talking about, dude?
He could of had anybody in town.
Have you seen his competition?
Have you seen anybody from that time period?
Horrific creatures. (audience laughs)
Everybody walking around like, "Hello, Jesus."
(audience laughs)
They all had ailments he had to fix.
(audience laughs)
No, but instead the guy washed dudes' feet
and got followed around by 12 dudes all day long.
(audience laughs)
All his magic was gay.
All his magic was gay. (audience laughs)
A straight dude would be like,
"Do you wanna see me cannonball into this lake
and make all the water come out of it?"
And he was like, "Do you wanna see me tiptoe across a pond?"
(audience laughs)
- Now my kids are fucking spoiled.
That's right and I did it, man.
When they was little kids I remember
I used to take 'em to Disney a lot.
I used to take 'em to Disney all the time, right.
But I ain't take 'em like normal people. No.
That's right. We went on the Illuminati package.
(audience laughs)
That's right. We wasn't out there
waiting to meet the characters like everybody else.
We backstage chilling with the characters.
(audience laughs)
That's right. I smoked a joint with Goofy.
(audience laughs)
Fuckin' Minnie gave me a lap dance.
(audience laughs)
Rubbed that big rat ass on me.
(audience laughs)
Ah! That's right, man.
My kids had it good.
Had it much better than me.
'Cause when I was a kid we went to Disney.
That's right. Me, my mother, my brothers,
we went to Disney as poor people
on a church trip. (audience laughs)
Sad already, aint it?
(audience laughs)
On a church trip.
New York to Orlando in August
on a bus with no AC. (audience laughs)
It was so hot I thought we were going to see the devil.
(audience laughs)
Took us two days to get there
'cause the driver was selling weed on the way.
(audience laughs)
And when we finally got there, we wasn't really there.
'Cause Disney's in Orlando and our hotel was in Alabama.
(audience laughs)
And we were staying in some nasty motel
and had a bed that vibrates if you put a quarter in it.
We little kids,
we don't know this is a nasty cummed up mattress.
(audience laughs)
And we begging my mother,
"Mommy can you put another quarter in?"
(audience laughs)
And my mother's like, "I'm gonna put a quarter in,
but this counts as a ride."
(audience laughs)
- I do feel, I think I'm someone who,
I never really got over puberty because,
well for a couple of reasons
I think puberty like hit me like a ton of bricks really.
First of all, I'm like exactly the demographic where
for me puberty coincided almost exactly
with like the arrival of the internet
and the popularization of the internet.
I'm so lucky I had like 1 to 13, kind of, it wasn't around.
And I remember like the one computer in our classroom
got the internet
and overnight like the world just exploded.
Everything changed.
It was like we all got our first email addresses.
Mine was hotmaiel@hotmail.com.
(audience laughs)
Thank you. (audience cheers)
Those were the days
you could get the good email addresses, you know.
But it was like overnight the world went from
being very manageable.
Like everything I needed to know was in just
one set of Encyclopedia Britannicas in my parents' basement.
It was so relaxing.
It was like a finite amount of facts.
That was it.
The nice thin paper, you know what I mean?
It was manageable.
And also it was like, it was like objective truth.
Like no one was putting out like
the devil's advocate set of encyclopedias,
you know what I mean?
I'm like, "Well,
are you sure Lima's the capital of Peru?"
(audience laughs)
And then overnight it was like, and I was obsessed with,
I remember my friends at lunch being like,
"We're gonna go out and play at recess.
Like do you wanna come?"
And I'd be like, "No, there's so much work to be done
on the internet.
Like there's so much going on."
I was like, "I have to copy
and paste images of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'
into a Word document. (audience cheers)
I then have to print that Word document.
The paper will be sodden with ink.
(audience laughs) Just heavy with ink.
Like, I have to cut those pictures out
and it's gonna be like cutting wet toilet paper.
(audience laughs)
I then have to stick those pictures onto my homework diary,
like I'm busy." (audience laughs)
I truly feel like I've been busy ever since.
I'm exhausted. (audience laughs)
- My wife's honest with them.
She's honest. 100% honest all the time.
The other night we're at dinner, I'm three drinks in,
the girls go, "Have you guys ever done drugs?
I'm like, "What are you, fucking cops?"
(audience laughs)
She just goes, "Yeah."
"What the fuck are you doing?"
She goes, "You gotta be honest with them girls.
I smoked marijuana a couple times.
I didn't like it very much.
Made me throw up, never smoked it again.
But your daddy's done cocaine."
I go, "What the fuck? (audience laughs)
I don't think they're looking for recommendations Leanne."
(audience laughs)
She's like, "Go on and tell 'em.
Go on and tell 'em. Tell em.
Tell 'em the truth now."
I was like, "Okay, I tried cocaine one time."
(audience laughs)
"I didn't like it very much."
(audience laughs)
"Made me throw up, never did it again."
(audience laughs)
And I hear her fucking laughing.
She goes, "That's a lie.
Your dad's done cocaine a lot."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Well, your mom lost her virginity
when she was 13.
Go ahead and tell 'em that story.
Yeah, yeah, she's a whore."
(audience laughs)
And she just leans into it.
She goes, "First of all I was almost 14."
(audience laughs)
"And shit, ain't nothing to do in my hometown but
fuck, fight, and race." (audience laughs)
I'm like who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?
(audience laughs)
- But we got a lot of shit we need to get some rules
and regulations on.
We really do.
Like what's the age limit on baby hair?
(audience laughs)
'Cause I seen a bitch with gray baby hair the other day.
(audience laughs)
Bitch, you can't have gray baby hair.
Here's the rule,
if you too old to have a baby, bitch,
you can't have baby hair. (audience laughs)
If your tubes tied, you can't have baby hair.
(audience laughs)
How you don't wanna have a baby,
but you got baby hair, bullshit.
(audience laughs)
And for the white people that's sitting in the audience
that's confused looking at me like,
"What's baby hair?" (audience laughs)
I'll tell you what baby hair is.
Baby hair is when we take regular ass hair
that's sitting in coach
and move it up the first class.
And then we be like,
"Now when you get up there just show out, just."
(audience laughs)
(Queen laughs)
No, we need to address some of this shit.
'Cause I'm seeing a lot of shit that's throwing me off.
That's throwing me off.
Like, I'm seeing a whole lot of old faces with new teeth.
What the fuck is going on?
(audience laughs)
And here's the thing,
they don't never tell you they got new teeth.
You just gotta figure that shit out when you talking to 'em.
You be sitting there like,
"Something new about this motherfucker right here.
No, it ain't his hairline.
It ain't his eyes. It ain't his nose."
You be backing up like,
"Yeah, it's his teeth. It's his teeth.
It's his teeth. It's his teeth."
And y'all go out
and buy the biggest whites motherfucking teeth they offer.
Now I'm supposed to sit up here
and talk to you like I don't see these
big white motherfucking teeth in your face.
You sitting there smiling like
you got a whole row of Air Force One sneakers in your mouth.
(audience laughs)
Come on now. (audience laughs)
And listen, it's a rule.
Your teeth not supposed to be whiter than your eyes.
(audience laughs)
It make your eyes look brown.
(audience laughs)
So I'm standing here talking to you,
you got Hennessy eyeballs and cocaine teeth.
I be like, "Let me leave before I catch a RICO charge
fucking with this nigga here."
(audience laughs)
- When you're in a relationship, a long term relationship,
you settle down into four positions.
You start out with more.
But as the relationship gets on,
you settle down to your core four.
The four positions you always use.
You both know your core four,
but neither of you have ever talked to each other
about the core four. (audience laughs)
Right now you're thinking about your core four.
(audience laughs)
And in the car ride home you'll talk about your core four.
(audience laughs)
We're all doing two the same.
Her on top, him on top.
These are classics. (audience laughs)
They're not going anywhere. (audience laughs)
Then the other two of variables for your relationship.
And they are the one that helps her cum
and the one that helps him cum,
your finishing positions. (audience laughs)
Now I won't tell you my wife's finishing position
because I respect her privacy.
(audience laughs)
But I will tell you mine.
(audience laughs)
I used to finish in doggy when I was a younger man,
but as I've gotten older,
I now finish in what they call lazy doggy.
Lazy doggy is the one where you lay in the spoon position
and you grab one tit and you rut around.
(audience applauds)
It's a fucking solid position.
It's a good position.
Because you feel like you're being active,
but you still get a pillow. (audience laughs)
My wife loves me so much
that if she finishes in her position,
she'll just get off the cock and she'll lay in lazy doggy.
(audience laughs)
And she'll look at me and go, "Go on then."
(audience laughs)
And I'm like, "Thanks love.
I shan't be long." (audience laughs)