- You know, ever since my exclamation point broke
I realize how much I overuse it in emails.
I used to add it to almost every sentence.
I feel like I sounded like, "Hi!
My name's Matt! This is an email!
I have some thoughts on the analytics report!
Thanks! I sound like a (bleep) idiot!"
- And yet you love dogs, the exclamation point of animals.
- Listen to this email and tell me
if it sounds okay without exclamation points.
"I've attached the docs you've asked for.
I sent them last week.
I guess they got lost in your inbox.
Anyway, let me know if there's
anything else you need help with, thanks."
- You just use periods?
- [Matt] Yeah.
- Should be fine.
- "I've attached the docs you asked for.
I sent them last week.
I guess they got lost in your inbox." (scoffs)
"Anyway, let me know if there's anything else
you need help with, thanks."
- Did you get Matt's email?
- This is an attack.
- It's assault and battery.
- It's both.
(alarm beeping)
(chill techno music)
(alarm ringing)
Matt, looking dapper today.
Kate, you okay? You look tired.
- Men have been complaining about women's tones ever since
women started working at Hampton DeVille, 1993.
- Have other men complained about my tone?
- A few dozen hundred.
- A few dozen hundred?
Let me see what they said.
- Kate, if I let you read what your male coworkers
have said about you, there is no going back.
(thunder rumbles)
If you pick the blue pen, you'll wake up-
- Just show it to me.
- [Man 1] Her tone was too harsh.
- [Man 2] Feel emasculated.
- [Man 3] It was the way she said it.
- [Man 2] She's taller than me.
- [Man 3] It's like a dagger.
- [Man 4] Knifey, piercing, knife blade.
- Thank you, it's always so cold in this building.
- The temperature in offices is set to accommodate
men in suits who get to keep the hair on their bodies.
But luckily, I've developed ways of adapting.
- It is always shocking to be reminded
how pathetically sensitive the men in this office are.
- That's why I've compiled a list of the best tones
to use for men in the office.
I could teach you, and in exchange,
maybe you could pull some strings
with the guy who controls the AC around here.
- Deal.
- The most popular tone among men in the office
is one I like to call, "Horny Toddler."
(Matt sighs)
- Hey, Matt.
Got your email with the report, thanks so much for sending.
Question, did you CC John on that?
- Uh, yes, I believe I did.
- Oh, that's interesting 'cause I'm looking
at that email right now and you didn't.
- Oh.
- [John] You BCC-ed me.
- Oh, you still got the email, then, right?
- I did.
- Look, I know you're new around here so I just
wanna make sure that you understand the email protocol.
You always CC both John and I on all work emails,
'cause if you BCC him, then I can't check
to make sure that you CC-ed him.
- Got it, I made a mistake.
- Great. Question.
Why did you make that mistake?
- Honestly, I don't know.
I never really saw myself here.
I mean, after college I volunteered
for a program teaching underprivileged kids
because I wanted to help people,
but then one of the students stabbed me and the school
was pretty dirty (children laughing)
and I realized I wasn't cut out for it.
So I moved back in with my parents,
which I'm pretty sure led to them getting a divorce because
- [Father] We don't love each other.
- that's what they told me happened.
(gavel bangs)
Then I worked a series of jobs that eventually
landed me here, where I'm just a cog
in a soulless corporate machine and I'm not-
- Okay, well just make sure that you CC
both John and I on all work emails.
It's a simple mistake, but it's just important
to follow protocol. - Yes.
Thank you, you'll get it back
at the end of the semester. (chuckles)
- Having your phone taken away from you
is like having your civil liberties stripped away.
It's just inhumane.
- Baron?
Baron.
Thank you.
The old back pocket. And the other.
Okay.
Stand up. (clears throat)
I'm sorry I have to do this,
but just wanna have a nice focused meeting.
(scoffs) That's mine.
- My dad's finally responding. (groans)
(man wailing)
- Thank you.
Now, where were we?
Bill, you were saying something.
- Actually, I was gonna say something.
- Yet here I am, saying something.
This reminds me of a time I was a child
and my mother said, "You'll never amount to anything."
And I felt hurt, till I realized
she was talking to my father.
There he stood, with his party dress on. Anyway.
- How long have we been here?
- Without our phones there's no way to measure
the passage of time, could be years, decades, even.
- This country has such a huge problem with-
- Jake, come on.
We're talking to talk about a popular TV show.
Have some respect.
- You know what character Jake would get
if he took the quiz?
- Glenn. (Baron laughs)
- Yes, Jake is such a Glenn.
- Who's Glenn? - You's Glenn.
- You know what? I don't care.
I'm gonna go sit somewhere else.
- Oh no, Glenn!
- I don't know who this Glenn character is but I am not him.
- Glenn! - Bye, Glenn.
Glenn, come back.
- [Paige] I love you, Glenn.
- I love society's work.
- It's like an allegory for the modern world.
- Oh, the cinematography.
- So good.
- I wrote a think piece about it,
so now I know what to think about it.
(Coworker voiceovers overlap)
- Oh, hey, Kate, how are you doing?
- Well, I'm an adult executive
at what appears to be a college party.
- Where's your date?
- I fired him. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Don't be, I had a Groupon for him anyways.
I'm actually out here hiding from John.
I have never seen a grownup consume so much dairy.
- He has the diet of a five year old with osteopetrosis.
That's ridiculous. (Kate laughs)
- You wanna hit this?
- Kate, you smoke weed?
- Oh, don't be so surprised.
It's the weekend, and I'm a human being.
- Oh shit.
♪ Smoke weed ♪
♪ Get crazy ♪
♪ Smoke weed ♪
(dance music)
- Well, I feel a little better.
- It's slightly more tolerable
to be at this party right now.
(Jake breaths deeply)
- Okay, Jake, you're gonna go in there
and be confident and direct and exude raw sexual energy
which nobody can deny, let's go.
Oh my god, perfect, you're both here.
First of all, happy Remember Day.
- Aww, thank you, Jake.
- I'll get straight to the point.
Listen, I've been a junior executive in training
for about five years now and it's technically
a one year program, so, wow!
Anyway, I am all trained up
and I am ready to be a junior executive.
As my mentors, promoting me
would be a huge win for both of you.
I'm your Shamu, you're my SeaWorld,
and let's just pretend "Blackfish" never happened.
Who cares about whales? I don't.
- First of all, Jake, we're surprised
it took you this long to ask.
- Unfortunately, the answer is no, no, no.
- Jake, here are the reasons
you will not be getting this promotion.
You come into work with cat hair on your suit.
- So much cat hair that I'm sometimes like,
"What's going on here?"
- What's going on? What's happening?
Are you a cat?
- [Matt] Jake and I have a little bet going
about whether or not I'll get a crush on this girl.
- [Jake] We didn't make a bet.
- Yes, we did.
- Who is she?
- She sits right outside of our office.
- Oh, so it's a proximity crush.
I have one of those, his name is Jerry Slunts.
He sits right outside my office, and he's disgusting.
At first he's hard to look at,
but eventually, you can't look away.
- Well, I don't have a proximity crush
because I already found the one and her name is Laura.
- Matt, enough, there are seven billion people on Earth.
Even if the one exists, you'll never meet her.
The best you can do is arbitrarily choose a partner
you share a few interests with and hope
their dormant personality flaws can be medicated.
- That's the thing, Jessica and I
barely have anything in common.
- Hey, guys.
- [Jake] Hey, Jessica.
- Ooh, looks like you two are sub buddies.
- Wow, you're, like, copying everything I do, Matt.
- Actually, I go by Jessica now.
I stole your whole identity.
- Oh, well I'm calling the police.
- Oh yeah?
Well, my father, Mr. Jessica, owns the police, so good luck.
- How's the sub, Jessica?
- It's incredible. (emotional orchestral music)
I mean, it's fine. You know, whatever.
- Sounds amazing.