this is a weird time to be a comedian I
don't know if you've been following
entertainment but it is a bad time to be
a predator has anyone been paying
attention to that
we're losing like three actors a day
like I'm gonna see the New Avengers
movie last year like why is everyone
being played by Paul Giamatti they're
like he's the only one left it feels
like a dark time I saw a baby in the
coffee shop the other day he was wearing
a t-shirt that said I love life I was
like you'll grow out of it
it gets shittier I like babies do you
know what's better than a baby buy a
little is not having a fucking baby
I get drunk a lot I sleep in I
confidently walk back to overheated cars
it's a good life my sister calls her
baby a miracle and I play along but uh
it'sit's a bit much miracle we never
call adults miracles we're doing way
cooler shit there are no babies that can
dunk just have a baby we're like it's a
miracle then it grows up and were like
nevermind winning the lottery that's a
miracle you'd never win the Mega
Millions jackpot and be like should we
keep it my niece is always crying I'm
trying to make her laugh and my sisters
like you gotta let her cry cuz she's at
that age now that if you interrupt she
becomes dependent so that's strange that
we do that the babies you can't even do
that to adults if you came to my
apartment of my girlfriend was
hysterically crying I can't be like it's
cool I'm trying you know we're gonna nip
this in the bud early on cuz she just
got a vibrator my girlfriend not my baby
niece she got a vibrator and I got an
Xbox so it is over
I'm playing NBA 2k she's playing with
herself but either way we're both
thinking about LeBron you women are
amazing I know you know why cuz you can
fake an orgasm but you can't fake a good
mood
you could tell me I'm the best you've
ever had you can't muster up one smiled
a family picnic a man where are those Oh
My gods where I need them my ex was cool
every time we'd have sex you'd say you
made me cum which I you know that was
flattering I'm not doing that much we'd
be having sex she Beck I'm about to cum
and I'd be like cool then she'd be like
stay completely still and I'd be like
all right and she'd be like you just
made me cum and I'd be like are you sure
I feel like I played that with an
erection that's why I asked if I made
you come made you come I thought I went
to the barbershop I'm like can you hold
the buzzer completely still
you're the best I've ever had
I'll say just made me come here's a
barber tip whatever barber you go to
that is whatever music they're playing
that's the haircut you're gonna get
Armenian hip-hop
this is a weird area to do my special
because this is like I'm seeing like the
hipster dads in this area you know it
like the skinny jean wearing
disciplinarian I saw a dad and he was
yelling at his son he was like Simon and
I turned around because it's a stupid
fucking name Simon if you keep this up
you're not gonna get any more smoothie
that's the punishment now apparently I
thought we used to beat the shit out of
the kids but apparently mango bad this
is where we're at I mean my friend just
laughed in his face he turn to us he
goes one eat you mind your own fucking
business
I was like oh well we're not gonna get
any more smoothie I'll fight you do but
if I win I'm taking that smoothie and
I'm gonna drink it in front of Simon
I feel bad for these kids we tell kids
they could be whatever they want and
then we don't give them the odds but you
know if I have a kid I'm gonna be honest
if he's like daddy can I play in the NBA
I'm gonna be like statistically it's
possible but let's take a look at this
chart I've taken the liberty of
factoring in your size and race it
doesn't look good you're a tiny Jew
that's why we named it TJ
you