I used to go on stage. I have a bad knee,
and I would go on stage with a cane sometimes,
and I was like,
"I wonder if this will get me that pity laugh?"
And it was like, "Hey, look at that guy,
he had to hobble up there,"
but then the next day the weather would change
and my knee would feel okay,
so I couldn't do it all the time.
I'd feel really bad if I was like,
"Yeah, no, sometimes I need the cane."
But maybe something like that. Maybe a neck brace.
Holidays are a lot of work. Let's not dance around it.
I mean, it really is a lot of work.
It is.
That's why these ecards are the way to go.
Do you know what that is? We just email someone.
You could just have said, "Happy holidays," but, no,
it has to be some elaborate code that you have to enter
and you have to answer two identity questions,
and then you get to see a Santa, Santa and a reindeer.
It's a lot of work for nothing, but ...
Oh, I used to love those ecards
when they first came on the scene in 1998.
Blue Mountain.
I assume you could make it your own,
more of an erotic thing than usual.
Yeah?
I don't know. I'm not really big on the web, but let's see.
Let's go around the room here. Who's local?
Who's New York? Anybody? Gridlock in effect coming up.
Jenn's local.
Yes. Jenn?
I'm in New Jersey.
There you go. I consider that local.
Yeah.
So I assume you'll go to Asbury Park?
Yeah, I do.
What would your Christmas be?
No, I stay in Somerset by New Brunswick, so ...
Not bad.
Just hang out there.
You can treat yourself to a night
at the Stress Factory if you'd like.
Yes, yes. Yes.
Come early because the buffet, they start it at six.
Dave, what's your holiday plan?
Well it already passed. Thanks, Nikki. It's Hanukkah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Is it done?
So now, this is really just a dead space for me.
I hang low. I noticed in the lobby
there's an elaborate Christmas tree,
a very tasteful yet practical menorah off to the right.
Is Hanukkah over?
It definitely is over.
Oh, damn. Okay.
It was over 4000 years ago, I think.
It definitely never really got the same power it used to.
I don't really celebrate the holidays.
Of course New Year's, I work on New Year's.
Do you work on New Year's?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be in Providence.
I'm at Cincinnati Go Bananas.
Yeah, yeah.
Nice. Sarah, you working New Year's?
No. What are your plans?
I'm going to go see Margot Price.
Who's that?
She's a country singer.
-Oh, nice. -Where?
Somewhere in Brooklyn. I forgot. Joe got the tickets.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah. I wish I could just ...
I don't know. I always get scared that ...
I work all the time, because I'm scared I have no fun plans.
So that's the thing.
Do you get that moment of loneliness
where you just did the show, and then it's the countdown,
and then everyone's kissing and hugging,
and you're just standing there talking
to the owner of the club? It's a sad time.
About your numbers.
Yeah.
Not good.
Well, the worst is when you do a whole show,
and then your show ends at 11:48,
and then the MC has to go back out.
I've done this a lot.
Have you never had to do the countdown?
Yes.
Well, I come back out on stage.
The MC comes back up, does some buffer time.
I don't ever know why I can't just end it
and do the countdown and then say goodnight.
Yeah. I never had the buffer. I've had to just do it.
I'm always brought back up.
Yeah. I just had to do it, yeah.
It's so awkward.
And then, like you said, everyone's kissing,
everyone's celebrating, and I'm hugging the MC
and trying to give good friend vibes to him.
Right. I understand.
That is the portrait of a comedian right there.
That's the best, what do you call it, allegory or whatever?
I don't know.
I don't think I've ever kissed someone on New Year's Eve.
How about this? They pay you extra to do the countdown?
That's a negotiation thing.
Like I won't do the entire countdown.
I'll come in on a hard five, four, three, two, one.
You can let the opener kind of get it going.
I would love to do that.
I also do it in ...
I do countdowns around the world.
I like to watch as it's New Year's Eve around there
and do it in their language.
Mm-hmm Yeah.
Where does it start? In New Zealand.
I like a nice woke New Year's.
You are busy that whole day just counting down.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. You can't get me away.
But yeah, that's a tough night.
I'd say that's the worst night to be a comic
is New Year's Eve. That's the worst one.
Halloween?
The second one would be Thanksgiving.
Oh, yeah.
Halloween, yeah, but that's like some places it's a party,
some places it's a train wreck,
but it's usually like no one expects that much on Halloween,
but New Year's Eve, they do.
What about Thanksgiving? Why Thanksgiving?
Yeah, why ... Yeah.
Because it's all families there, and it's always that weird ...
They'll always tell you there's a lot of kids home from college
so it's going to be a wild show,
but it really just turns out to be people
bringing their old relatives out,
because they have nothing to do with them.
Yes, yes. Yeah.
We all agree on that one, or no?
Yeah, no, that's a good point.
I guess I don't really work that often on Thanksgiving,
but even just the days around it-
That's true.
It's that similar vibe of it's all kids from back home.
They're all drunk and it's usually families begrudgingly.
It's tough. It really is.
Yeah. What do you do? I have-
Wait, I have more dates.
Okay.
Pearl Harbor, December 7th is not that good for me.
Arbor Day, brutal.
Arbor Day, it's a touch and go kind of way.
I would also say ...
Just Wednesday is never any fun, any Wednesday.
Any Wednesday is really bad for comedy.
Valentine's Day, uch.
Yeah, that's a tough one.
That's another one where you just feel lonely
and what am I doing?
And they don't really want to be ...
It's not necessarily a good ...
There's not first dates there, but there are. I don't know.
And is that a really romantic night out?
I mean, I never really understood that.
It's like we love each other, now let's go watch a comic.
I could see if it was a musician or something like that.
Sure. Yes.
It's a little different. But, yeah, it is weird.
Comedy, I'm always perplexed
why people bring first dates to comedy shows,
because, although it's what I do for a living
and I think it's a great form of entertainment,
it can be awkward for a first date.
For sure. I think so.
It brings up subjects that you just don't want to get into yet.
You don't feel comfortable.
Even me, I would feel uncomfortable laughing
at certain things next to a boy
I might be trying to impress or like.
Really?
If it's something gross,
or a girl says something on stage
that's really disgusting about shitting her pants,
and I relate to it and I laugh,
then this guy is thinking about me shitting my pants,
and that's just not something I want to have on a first date.
Yeah, but he probably is also on his best behavior,
so he's probably waiting to see if you laugh at it,
and then he'll laugh at it. So you won't think he's a creep.
And then it's like why bring that energy
into a first date of having to even-
Sure.
So what's the alternative? What are you thinking?
Trap room, or, I mean, pick your own adventure?
Those escape rooms, I can't think of anything worse.
Well, Nikki, I really love that you came on the Bumping Mics,
and it was so cool to see her in LA.
And I grilled her about living in LA,
because you lived there for a while.
Yeah, yeah.
And I thought it would be a wild party, but it's stressful.
It was. It's a lot.
Did you guys ever live in LA or anything? No?
No. Did you Sarah? No, you-
I did for a year.
Okay. And how was your experience?
I was an alcoholic that whole year.
I told Dave the same thing. Oh, that's good.
That's what I did. That's cool.
drink, yeah.
Yeah. Do you think it's ...
Have you ever ...
It's one thing moving to LA with all the hope and promise,
and then moving away from LA.
I think people should make more of that.
Yes.
It's like, "I'm done with this town."
Yes.
They should be able to do a rant at the airport.
You should be able to tape an exit video.
You're leaving Big Brother, something like, "This is great."
You should have a final. That's a good idea.
Were you excited to get out, or were you-
Well, I've been back twice now.
Yeah, you seem like-
I moved there right out of college, no money,
and I was babysitting and temping,
and then I got on The Tonight Show,
and after three years of being there I was on The Tonight Show,
and I thought everything would change,
and I was still broke, nothing changed,
and then two months later I had to move back home
to St. Louis to live with my parents.
Oh.
And then I moved back there when I had a TV show,
so it was a different experience, and I was sober.
But when I was living there initially,
I mean, I was drinking so much every night,
and I was driving home from ... I was flirting with a DUI.
That's why I really had to get out of that town.
I did not have $10,000 to get a DUI.
I was driving buzzed one block home from Residuals, the bar in-
Yeah. I know that bar.
... The Valley, where you can go
and bring a residual check under a dollar.
Oh, you lived in The Valley.
Yeah. I lived in The Valley.
But I am so lucky I got out of that town without a DUI,
because that was in the works for me.
Hey, you know what?
I think that's good that you got out of there.
New York is a more drinking friendly town.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Oh, my God, it was amazing to come here, and ...
You haven't drank for a while, though, right?
No. Decades now, but- Decades now?
I was wondering why you picked to come back
East instead of going, "You know what?
I'm in LA already, let's give Hawaii a shot."
I'd think about it. Well, because there's-
Good Morning, Maui.
You could have been the host of that show for a while,
and then worked your way onto the new Magnum P.I.
There's a lot of new shows out there.
NCIS Pearl Harbor, whatever it is.
Could you imagine the people who were on these TV shows there,
and they're just hanging out waiting for the next one?
What do you mean? The shows that shoot there?
In Hawaii. Like Lost and stuff?
Like the actors and stuff.
Yeah. Like Lost, exactly. That's what I was looking for.
I think it would amazing to be out there.
Well, then you just come back to-
Me?
To be out there shooting a show, to live in Hawaii, my dream is-
You would like that?
I would love to get on a show and go be forced to live
in Vancouver, or Denver, or ... I-
-Are you a beach person? -No.
I thought you didn't like the sun.
No, not at all.
I would never even go out in the sun,
but I want the opportunity to live other places
than New York or LA.
Okay.
Just for a couple months at a time.
How about England? Would you do that?
Sure. I haven't been there.
What's your take on it over there?
I was there years ago.
I think it's more of a Hollywood England
now than it was when I was there.
Oh, yeah?
Now, it's like everybody there is on our TV shows
or hosting our TV shows,
so it's really probably the same thing.
But I heard a lot of comics love it.
It's a really good place for comedy,
so maybe that's the way to go, I don't know.
Do you like ...
I get this all the time, but where are the best crowds?
What's your favorite city? I hate that question,
but I feel like you have a good answer to it.
I don't know, I seem to do really well in DC.
Yes.
And I think that's both the smart ...
You get the people from Virginia
and you also get the DC people, so it's a good mix.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Love DC.
San Francisco, that area still has a good kick to it.
When you get out of the IT world,
and that used to be a real incubator of great comics,
so I still always have a soft spot for SF and that area,
but I would say anywhere where I can actually get a crowd.
Hilarities in Cleveland, I always do really well there.
That's good.
And they're usually a really cool crowd,
not as much moaning and groaning.
I'd say that New York and LA are the most sensitive of the towns,
so it's tough to work on new material here,
but it still is-
Is it the tourists here? I really don't know.
I think it's a combination of just like a lot of people
were working all day long,
and it's hard for them to turn off their filter
to really get it.
But then there's people who come from all over the country
and they want to hear New York comedy,
so it's kind of a hard balance. What do you guys think?
I think LA, it's just ...
I mean, we were at the Laugh Factory on Saturday night.
Yeah, that was a good show though, you killed it.
It was a good show, but it was like it's ...
We were talking about it, it's like there is no audience
like that anywhere else. In LA or-
Right, that LA audience, yeah.
Yeah, it's-
They're pretty spoiled, because they do get a lot of celebs.
If you go to the Comedy Store,
within two hours you'll see five great comics.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they are spoiled.
Yeah. That's a good point.
But I always say about New York,
it's like you become a better comic here,
not just because of the stage time,
but because you have to follow, and I always give your name,
you have to follow people like Dave Attell,
and you watch him and you're like,
"Well, I got to step it up."
Whereas in LA you're following really famous, good comedians,
but people are a little bit more just phoning it in,
just messing around.
They're not bringing it as hard as New York comics,
and, here, you just have to ...
You go, "Unless I try super hard,
I'm not going to be able to follow Dave Attell in any way,"
and so it forces you to become better.
Yeah, but you're killing it, and-
Because of you.
... in New York, the good thing about it
is it starts so much later,
whereas in LA, which is what I hate the most,
it's like, "Hey, we got you some spots tonight."
"What time?" It's like, "Okay, we got an 8:30."
I'm like, "8:30? Man."
Yeah, you love the late spots.
I love it later, so you can do everything else
and get a sleep in and all that.
I like that, yeah. I don't like it early.
Yeah, you always close out the shows.
I'm like, "How does he
I don't close them out anymore.
I'm lucky I don't have to do that anymore.
Well, yeah, you come in pretty late though, but do-
Yeah, I like to do the late show,
but that used to be the coolest show.
Now, I'd say that's just like ...
You really do get a ...
It's a grab bag, you never know what is a good show anymore.
Who's going to be crowd that kicks it.
Sorry.
I know. It is all over the place,
but there's so many rooms there now at the Cellar.
That Fat Black I love.
Yeah, that's great. That is cool.
And then the Village Underground,
it's like I love that. That can be so hot too-
So good.
... with the music and everything.
Well, here's a town that I'm sure you've played,
but there really is no club is New Orleans.
Yeah. Have you played there?
Yeah. I've done a rock venue, but no club.
Why is there no club?
Yeah, there's no club there.
There's just too much other entertainment down there.
Yeah.
And let's not dance around it, Voodoo.
I mean, there's some kind of weird,
never interview with a vampire,
never have a laugh house in this town.
But, yeah, no, there's just too many other things going on.
But that would be a cool place to go.
Like when I played the Comedy Cellar in Vegas,
that was cool.
I was like, "That's great that they have a venue here,"
because Vegas was another place where,
unless you could sell out 2000 seats
or you work with a tiger,
there was no in between in Vegas, really.
It was just either horribly sad comedy or big arena comedy.
Dave? Yeah?
How do you keep track of all your jokes?
Oh, that's an interesting point.
Yeah. You have so many, and there are so many
that I bring up to you all the time, like,
"That one. Do you ever do that?"
And you're like, "Oh, I haven't thought ...
Do you write them all ...
Do you have notebooks? Do you have it in your phone?
Well, I have two people that work with me.
One handles my jokes, the other one handles my zingers.
So I have them on two different phones.
No, I used to do the notebook like everybody else.
Sure.
And then I still tape every show,
but I can not honestly say I listen to every show,
and that is really the most painful thing to do,
is to listen to your horrible jokes doing horribly in a place
somewhere you don't even remember.
You're like, "What? Where was that?"
I know.
And that, to me, is the real work of comedy,
is listening to your tape.
But, yeah, I don't do the notebooks anymore.
I write them down, but, really, it's more about
when I look at my work on sheet,
which is these are jokes that have not been working for years,
I look at them and it's like, "Oh, man, I can't believe
I still haven't gotten a vitamin joke," you know?
Yes.
And then when I get one, I'll use it,
and then it'll stop working
and it has to go back on the work on sheet.
So that sucks.
Yeah, the work on sheet.
I don't even have that actual sheet,
but we talk about it all the time.
It's that joke you do on stage, and you go,
"Oh, that's been a placeholder, that punchline has been
a placeholder for six years," and I've always been like,
"Think of something more specific and better,"
and you just never do, it's always just a C.
Yeah, because in your brain,
that is now the stop of that thought,
and it's really hard to take it out of there,
and sometimes you're like, "Oh, maybe if the joke bombs,
if I can make it bomb,
and then that'll activate something else in my head."
-Yeah. -Yeah.
But I notice with the younger crowds now,
they're kind of joke averse.
If it's too jokey for them, they get all whatever,
but if it's too raw, they get all nervous
and all that stuff, so it's like this fine line.
But I will say one thing, is that in LA,
tags, don't bring them.
Really?
For some reason I had three shows
where I was doing tags on jokes, and they were like,
"We already laughed at your joke, dude,
move onto the next thought." I was like, "Wow."
That's interesting, I've never thought about that one before.
Maybe it's just probably me.
No, that's probably a thing. I think you're so right
though about they want something in between of set up ,..
They don't like to see the work in it.
They don't want you to just, essentially, read a Tweet,
but if you share something too raw ...
There's been times where I'm like,
"Something happened yesterday," and literally yesterday.
We always say yesterday, but it's not yesterday.
Yeah.
And they can sense that it was.
They're like, "We can smell the jizz on you."
-Oh. -You know what I mean?
Like you haven't showered since that joke,
and they're grossed out, and I'm almost like,
"Do you guys want me to give you more distance from that
and say it was last week, as opposed ...
Because if it's too raw, you're right, they kind of recoil.
It doesn't even have to be salacious stuff.
No, of course, yeah.
It could just be something inappropriate
and I can just feel them pulling away.
Yeah. What do you guys think?
I don't know, sometimes I feel like they'll recognize
that maybe I'm too angry, if it's a personal ...
-Okay. -Yes.
-Yeah -Yeah
And it doesn't read funny,
it just sounds like you're just bitter.
Yes.
Yeah.
It really tricks them, I've found, if you just ...
Laughing at your own jokes, I know,
it's the most repulsive thing
to watch a comic enjoy their own set,
but it really does trick audiences into liking you more.
Oh, yeah.
It's such a trick.
Until now. You just let it out.
Any other game cheats you want to let go?