-We do not always
have enough time to cover all
of the recent news,
so here with a recap is one
of our writers, Amber Ruffin,
in a segment we call "Amber Says What."
♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ] -Yay! You guys,
things. have. been. crazy.
Okay, so everyone was like, "COVID is slowing down.
You can hang out with your friends."
And I was like, "What?!"
Then, Omicron hit and they were like,
"Stop hanging out with your friends!"
And I was like, "What?!"
[ Laughter ] Omicron got everybody,
especially at late night.
James Corden got it, and I was like, "What?!"
[ Laughter ] Jimmy Fallon got it and I was like, "What?!"
Then, Seth Meyers got it
and I was like, "Wha-a-a-t?!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Seth!
Were you kissing Jimmy Fallon?
[ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter, applause ]
-[ Changes accent ] Mind your business.
[ Laughter ] -I knew it!
Then, while we were all working from home,
everyone we love died,
and I'm barely exaggerating.
Betty White died and I was like, "What?!"
Sidney Poitier died and I was like, "What?!"
Then, Bob Saget died and I was like,
"What?! Oh, my gosh!
[ Striking palm ] All of our favorites are dying!"
Then, Robert Durst was like, "I died, too,"
and I was like, "No!
[ Laughter ] Robert Durst,
this is not about you!
Do not try to sneak in there
while we're mourning beloved Americans.
Shame on you!" [ Laughter ]
Then, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox got engaged
[ Cheering ] and I was like, "What?!
That's fantastic!
I, for one, cannot wait to see pictures
of their smooth, angular children.
[ Laughter ] Then I read about it
and they were like, "We got engaged
and then we drank each other's blood,"
and I was like, "What?! [ Laughter ]
Why do you have to ruin everything?
You don't need each other's blood.
What is wrong with you?!
You might [bleep] around and get a taste for human blood.
Is that what you want?"
[ Laughter ]
Just reckless!
I wouldn't let someone drink some of my margarita,
let alone some of my blood,
which, by the way, is mostly margarita.
[ Laughter ] Then, something horrible happened.
Jason Momoa and Lisa Monet split
after being together for 16 years
and I was like, "What?!
I'm devastated!"
But not for them, for me.
[ Laughter ] Like all Americans,
I desperately wanted them to make me the third
in their open marriage [ Laughter ]
and now I am in mourning.
"Did somebody say mourning?"
Not now, Robert Durst! [ Laughter and applause ]
Also, let's talk about Lisa Bonet's
extremely high standards.
She married Lenny Kravitz
and then Jason Momoa.
Who is she going to marry next,
a beam of light?
[ Laughter ] Lucky beam of light.
Then, New York Mayor Eric Adams hired his brother
to be in charge of security.
and everyone was like, "Wha-a-a-t?!"
But I was like, "What?"
My sister Lacey is the head of my security detail.
She's keeping me secure right now.
-Hey! You want me to throw this guy out of here?
[ Laughter ]
-It's my show!
-No, Lacey, he's my little friend.
-Oh, yay! [ Claps ]
-[Both, clapping] Yay!
[ Laughter and applause ] -Then,
the Golden Globes happened
and that was like, "What, where, when,
and, most importantly, what?!"
Why was it a secret and who won? [ Laughter ]
I looked it up and you're never going to believe it.
Best Actress? Amber Mildred Ruffin.
[ Laughter ] And then Best Supporting Actress went to
Amber Mildred Ruffin.
Best Late Night segment went to
"Amber Says What," which beat "A Closer Look"
by 6,547 votes.
-Hey!
-Don't make me throw you out of here.
-Alright, okay.
Okay, Lacey.
[ Laughter ] -Then, speaking of award shows,
okay, so, after three years of going without a host,
the Oscars are finally going to get one!
[ Cheering and applause ] Yay!
And, as the winner of the Golden Globe
for Hostiest Host,
I think I should be the one to do it.
Shoot, if Christian Siriano makes me a dress,
I'll do that [bleep] for free!
[ Laughter ] Hear me, Christian? Call me!
Then, you will never guess what happened.
They put Maya Angelou on the quarter!
[ Cheering ] I saw that and was like,
"What-what?! Yes!"
They put a woman on the quarter.
It better not be worth 20 cents. [ Laughter and applause ]
Now, I cannot wait to get my Maya Angelou quarter.
It really is like she always said --
[ As Angelou ] People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget
you're on a shiny coin in their pocket.
[ Laughter ] Then, the FDA deregulated
French dressing and I was like, "What?
[ Laughter ]
Why were they regulating
French dressing, in the first place?"
So, it turns out there were certain ingredients
you had to have to qualify as French dressing,
but now, anything goes!
[ Laughter ] And I'm like, "Whoo! What?!
What are they going to put in it, something illegal?"
So, if that's true, I demand
[ Striking palm ] the illegal version.
It is my right to have pure, uncut French dressing,
and I'll settle for nothing less!
[ Laughter and applause ] Then, I found out
that a huge asteroid is going to pass
extremely close to Earth today
and I was like, "What?!"
And I just want to say that,
if this is our last day of existence,
I'mma be so sad because I don't want to die
[ Slapping thighs ] without trying that
uncut French dressing!
[ Laughter ] I want it!
Then, I watched the new season of "Euphoria"
[ Cheering and applause ] and I was like,
"Wha-wha-now!"
I was like, "What a smart decision I made
to not have children."
[ Laughter ] Those gross little children.
The only thing those babies should be putting up their noses
is a COVID test. [ Laughter ]
Then, everyone has been doing bits about "Euphoria"
on Twitter, talking about how those kids dress, like,
"This is how I dress for school"
and then it's them in normal clothes.
And then they're like, "This is how I dress
for school at Euphoria High,"
[ Laughter ] and it's them dressed to go to the club.
And all those were so funny
that we were going to do a bit about it,
but then I decided, we're not.
-We're not?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-No.
-Well, why didn't you tell me?
-That's it, you're outta here. -Alright.
[ Laughter ] -This has been...
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
-Amber Ruffin, everyone!
Check out "The Amber Ruffin Show" on Peacock.
New episodes return after the Olympics.
We'll be -- I just have to do this part!
We'll be right back with Jeremy Irons.
-I said, go! -Alright, I'm going!
♪♪