- Hello.
Uh, I'm a girl.
(laughter)
I just got to clear that up right away.
I know some of you are staring at me,
like is that a teenage Asian boy on stage?
Nope, just a lesbian, but I did skateboard here,
so kinda both.
I know it's confusing,
like I hate going to public bathrooms
'cause I never know which one I should go into
and I think I should just start going to the men's room
'cause no one would say anything to me,
but I don't want people to think
that I'm pooping all the time.
(laughter)
You know?
It's like we're here to take 30 second long poops, okay?
So usually, I go to the ladies room,
which I like better anyways.
It smells nice, it's clean but whenever I go in there,
a lady will always look at me,
then look at the bathroom sign, very confused,
then look back at me and point to the bathroom sign and go,
this is the women's bathroom.
Yeah, as if I can't read drawings.
(laughter)
We all saw the little triangle.
That's a skirt, I know, okay?
I've worn a triangle before.
One time, I wore a triangle one time
and I was like, I don't like triangles so,
now I just wear two rectangles.
(laughter)
But that lady is always looking at me
like she's expecting something.
So I think the next time it happens,
I'm just going to like pull my tampon out
and give it to her.
(laughter)
(applause)
Like, is this what you wanted?
Are you the bathroom bridge troll?
(laughter)
I had to pay her a tampon to pee, I didn't now, all right?
The other thing I hate doing is flying
'cause every time I fly,
I have to go through airport security
and you have to go through that full body scanner.
You know the one where you pose for three seconds
and then it tells you if you're a terrorist or not.
(laughter)
But I don't know if you know this,
when you go through that machine,
the agent actually has to pick your gender.
That's how the machine works, right?
So since I look like me, he always picks male, right?
Then I go through the machine
and then he's like, ah fuck, we gotta do it again.
(laughter)
I'm like, what do you mean we have to do it again?
Okay, like you messed up.
I feel like you just have to do it again.
Right?
Even if I was carrying a bomb, just let me keep it, okay?
That's good customer service
(laughter)
So they make me go through the machine twice,
I'm getting cancer twice as fast,
but sometimes when I go through the first time,
the machine will go off,
so the guy comes over and he starts patting me down, right?
I don't say anything because it's nine in the morning,
I'm tired, also it does nothing for me.
(laughter)
So, he starts patting me down and at right about here,
he realizes that he's wrong
and then you can just see the color drain from his face.
He's like, oh my God, this might be sexual harassment
and that just makes my day.
(laughter)
He thinks I'm going to sue him.
I'm not, but you don't know that.
I just walk away and I wave and I wink.
It's a fun little game I like to play.
I mentioned I'm gay.
I don't know if there's a other gay people in here,
or if you know someone who's gay, that should cover it.
(applause)
Like at this point, if you don't know anyone who's gay,
you're gay, you know?
So.
I don't make the rules.
I knew I was gay my whole life, by the way,
because growing up as a little girl,
my favorite color was blue.
Very suspect move,
but I didn't come out to my mom until I was 19
because I thought she wasn't gonna be cool with it,
you know?
And finally I was like, you know what?
I'm just going to tell her.
I go, mom, I'm gay
and she just goes, I know, look at your hair
and that was it, that was the entire conversation.
Very easy, so I would highly recommend coming out to my mom.
She already knows you're gay, you know?
But right after I came out to her,
she was like, hey, let's go bra shopping
and I was like, this is a weird coming out present.
But sure, why not?
I like free stuff, let's go.
So we went to Macy's, my mom's favorite store, great deals.
Found this one bra, 50% off.
Gotta buy that.
We but it, I'm wearing it kind of recently
and my girlfriend at the time saw it and she goes uh,
hey um, isn't that a nursing bra?
(laughter)
I was like, no, this is a regular bra.
What are you talking about?
What's a nursing bra?
Turns out it was a nursing bra,
which I learned is a special kind of bra
that unhooks from the front so you can nurse a baby with it.
Yeah and I was like, oh, that makes a lot of sense.
I just thought this is a cool extra function.
(laughter)
Who doesn't want to take their bra on and off
like overalls, right?
They're bra-veralls.
It's good for fucking, so.
Been wearing that bra a lot lately
and I get my period every month as you do,
so I'm running out of pads, my mom saw this.
She goes, hey, let me go buy you some more.
I'm like, thanks weirdo.
She needs new hobbies.
So she runs to Target, comes back.
She's like, oh my God, I found another great deal.
Two for one pack of pads,
they're extra big 'cause I know you're a bleeder.
Why don't you try them on?
I was like, all right, thanks mom.
So I'm trying them on in my room
as if I'm in a fitting room.
I'm like these pads are kind of weird,
they're very big for some reason.
I don't know what's happening in the back,
so I looked at the bag
to see what weird brand pads these are.
Don't recognize it.
I look below the brand,
turns out my mom bought me adult diapers,
yeah, and I've never been happier, okay?
(laughter)
That stuff works so well, way cheaper.
So now I'm exclusively wearing adult diapers
and nursing bras,
'cause I don't know how old I am, you know?
I'm like, do I want to have a baby,
or do I want to be a baby?
Just Benjamin Button-ing from the top down.