A clip of the Dalai Lama kissing a boy on the lips and asking him
to suck his tongue has provoked global criticism.
But even more infuriating is what his apology implies, as you're about to find out:
The original video's authenticity was confirmed,
as it was broadcasted by Voice Of America. And obviously, the fact that the Dalai Lama issued
an apology about what happened, confirms that the footage that went viral is real.
We are going to take a look, not only at their body language to confirm that it was
uncomfortable for the kid, but also at the so-called apology, sentence by sentence.
And especially, by looking into that apology you're going to learn:
- How to tell when someone wants to deflect responsibility,
- How a person uses word salad to conceal what really happened
- How some people can go as far as to blame the victim of what happened.
Hello and welcome back, my Body Language Buddies! my name is Jesús Enrique Rosas,
I'm the Body Language Guy,
And first we have to establish what are the circumstances. This is a public event,
where everybody, especially the Dalai Lama, assumes there are going to be cameras.
Now, some could claim that this was some slip, or accident, or a one-time occurrence. How do
we know it's not that? well, it depends on the general body language of both subjects,
but most importantly, of the grown up, in this case.
There is no hesitation, there are no displays of awkwardness,
and you don't need to be a body language specialist to spot when
someone feels embarrassed for something that just happened, which is NOT what happens here.
The man's body language is deliberate, focusing his undivided attention on the
child, so that's how you know that this was done on purpose.
Some have also claimed that sticking your tongue out is a kind of greeting in this culture,
but he is not really greeting the boy. The boy is already there,
and the fact that the Dalai Lama says 'suck my tongue', well,
if that's their greeting, then I'm crossing out Tibet from my list of vacation spots.
But more concerning is the detail that I just mentioned. He kisses the child,
deliberately, on the lips. And no matter if you think sticking
the tongue out is a 'cultural thing', this kiss is absolutely out of bounds.
It is so out of place that it is nowhere mentioned on the apology,
and for good reason. There is no way of justifying it so they decided to just
ignore it. But I'm going to dissect the apology in a minute. Let's first
realize the fact that he just did this in public, knowing that cameras were around.
Now, can you imagine what could happen in private? or at least,
without any cameras nearby, or without public? that's why I tell you that it's so important to
define the circumstances in any body language analysis so you can have better insights.
Because it's not a stretch that His Horniness will feel more comfortable in private. That
is not an academic hypothesis of human behavior. That is just plain common sense.
Although, it's not that common that common sense makes you want to throw up.
People can go as far as to say, hey! nothing happened! the kid was OK with that, or even "the
kid LIKED that playful teasing", which, seriously, should get these people in at least ONE FBI list.
But in this case, the kid was painfully uncomfortable. First, it's the Dalai Lama
who brings the face of the kid closer to him with his hand, to kiss him. So it was a forced action.
Further proof is that after the kiss,
the kid brings his body all the way back. He tries to separate from the adult,
and even looks to one side nervously. That's when the man grabs his chin again.
What's more, when he gestures towards his tongue,
the kid brings his head back. These are multiple signals of repulsion, of not wanting to be there.
Even more disturbing is all the people watching this, cheering and laughing.
That's what would have made the kid feel even more uncomfortable. Because there's
this huge dissonance, he doesn't want to do it, but people are cheering them up.
Again, makes you wonder what happens in private.
Now, let's take a look at the apology itself.
"A video clip has been circulating that shows a recent meeting when a young
boy asked His Holiness the Dalai Lama if he could give him a hug."
So, the first part of the apology points not at the actions of the man,
but the actions of the child. It implies that the intention,
or the original action was triggered by, in this case, the victim.
Toxic personalities love to spin situations to make it seem
that "well, it wasn't me who started the situation, it was them who provoked it".
In fact, at a personal level, they can even point to you as the one who triggered THEIR actions that
ultimately made you feel uncomfortable, or even hurt you. So you're the one to blame.
"A young boy asked the Dalai Lama if he could give him a hug",
the words imply exactly that. Let's start this ridiculously short apology with some kind of
justification focused on the kid's action! his horniness was only reacting to that!
Then we move on to the second sentence:
"His Holiness wishes to apologize to the boy and his family, as well
as his many friends across the world, for the hurt his words may have caused"
Deflection. Well, I think it would be uncomfortable to anybody if someone
asked you to suck their tongue, right? I don't know if this heuristic could
change during Spring Break parties, but let's assume that these words are quite offensive,
especially coming from someone who is called "His Holiness".
But the strategy here is to take the blame for a lesser thing. In this case,
the words. "Oh, he apologizes for the hurt his words may have caused".
It doesn't mention anything about the kiss. It doesn't mention anything about how uncomfortable
was the situation and the proximity to the child. Those are not just words,
and we know that toxic personalities can make you feel uneasy only with their presence.
They can use their words all they want, but in the end, what really matters is their actions,
so the moment they show their true self... believe them.
But the cream of the crop is the third and final sentence:
"His Holiness often teases people he meets in an innocent and playful way,
even in public and before cameras. He regrets the incident."
What are they implying here? that this is not the first time this happens. In fact,
by saying "often", it implies that he does it all the time.
Toxic personalities use the "all the time" argument to make it seem like what you are
pointing out, is no big deal. It's YOUR problem if you hadn't noticed
it all this time. Where have you been? why haven't you been paying attention?
"Maybe you're all focused in your own little world and when
you come out just cherry pick an 'innocent and playful' action",
as something evil. What is going inside of your head? are you alright?
And they also use the word "teases" which is completely open to interpretation in a
number of ways. In other words, it's a vague term, and manipulators love vague terms,
because that way they don't have to compromise with their own words.
Now, I have to confess that I was as shocked as anybody else for this. I am not a Dalai Lama fan,
by any means, but it's safe to say that he's a figure that, well,
up to this moment, millions had come to respect.
Even with all the claims of alleged abuse that happened right under his nose and he just shrugged
them off, we, as in myself included, thought that he could be one of the fair figures of this era.
In fact, one of my inspirations, Dr. Paul Ekman, created together with the Dalai
Lama an amazing Atlas of Emotions. Although... I'm sure Dr. Ekman could have done it himself,
but this guy must have helped a lot with the marketing.
Now, what I'm about to tell you may shock you a bit. I would not be surprised if more
people that you can imagine will give the Dalai Lama a second chance. Well, certainly not me.
For me, he will stay as 'his horniness'.
But many people will revert back to believing in
the figure that they have built in their minds all these years.
But having said that, there comes a word of warning. It's one thing if you want to
give the Dalai Lama a second chance. Maybe he doesn't affect you directly, in any way.
But what happens when you give this kind of second chance to someone in your inner
circle? They have this apparently flawless reputation, everyone seems to love them,
and all of a sudden, you witness something completely out of character? what should you do?
My suggestion in this kind of circumstances is that you take good note of those moments in
which it looks like the person is dropping their mask. It also helps to read their body language
to tell if it was just an awkward moment, or they felt comfortable with that mask drop.
Because if they seemed comfortable,
maybe it's because they were showing you their true colors, so... act accordingly.
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Much Love and Bliss.