Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach parenting and I teach relationships and communications.
I teach a system called teaching self-government all over the world and people consistently ask me,
how do I fix my child's behavior problems? Well, in this video, we're going to be talking about that.
As a mother of four and previous foster parent of many troubled teens. I can tell you that I've
had my fair share of helping children solve their behavior problems. In fact, behavior problems is a
pretty broad term. Nut what I do know are there are four key things that I can share with you
that will actually help conquer 99% of your child's behavioral problems no matter
their age. So that's what we're going to be talking about in this video. Oftentimes, when I teach people
the principles and skills of self-government. I teach them these four basic skills. In fact, this
is probably one of the things that I'm known for around the world. So these books each teach one
of the four basic skills to children. Now these books are best for children like 12 and under.
But you can still teach the skills to a child of any age. In fact, in my teaching self-government
parenting course and in my book parenting a house united I also talk about these four basic skills.
This one teaches following instructions. This one teaches accepting no answers and criticism. This
one teaches accepting consequences, and this one teaches disagreeing appropriately. When a person
learns these four basic skills that takes care of 99% of their behavioral problems. But when I
teach people those skills at conferences. They say, "Yeah, but what about lying?". Well, they're not
accepting a no answer. Because a no answer is any kind of a boundary you don't cross.
So, stealing, lying, hitting, those are all no answers. They say, "Yeah, but what about
attitude problem? What about talking back?". Well, those are all not disagreeing appropriately.
What about tantrums? When I tell them that they have to do their chore? Well, they're not following
instructions. They're not keeping a calm face, voice, and body. All of those four basic skills have skill
sets attached to them and each of those skill sets help us identify what problem our child is having.
So let's take following instructions. The skill following instructions has five steps. You look
at the person, keep a calm face voice and body, say okay or ask to disagree appropriately, do
the task immediately, and then check back. So, if a person won't look at you when you're giving them
an instruction. Then they're not looking at you and with that face I just had they're also not having
a calm face voice and body. I won't even give my child the opportunity to go and do the instruction
like, the dishes or clean the bathroom or whatever is that they're supposed to do if they don't look
at me and keep a calm face voice and body. I would correct them for that. That's right you
have to correct the child every single time that they do not follow instructions, accept no answers
or criticism, accept consequences, and disagreeing appropriately. That consistent correction will help
them conquer all of those behavioral problems no matter what they are. So what about accepting a
no answer? To accept a no answer you look at the person, keep a calm face voice and body,
say okay you're asked to disagree appropriately, and then drop the subject. That means, you don't
think about it anymore. So if my child asks me if they can go and play with a friend and I say no
because it's gonna be dinner time or you already played with a friend today or something like that,
and my child pouts or whines or hits the wall on the way out. Then my child is number one
not keeping a calm face boys and body. Probably didn't say okay but let's say they did say okay,
and then as they're walking away they start that attitude or that pouting and I know that they're
still thinking on it and they're not dropping the subject. Now this doesn't mean that a person can't
have disappointment from time to time that can happen. But we need to teach ourselves that we are
in control of what we do with that disappointment. Disappointment is a feeling that any person can
feel. So, we could talk about disappointment as we're doing a disagree appropriately if we wanted
to or we could think I'm disappointed but there's nothing that I'm going to be able to do to change
this so I need to drop the subject. We can just tell ourselves to drop the subject if we know
the skill. So almost any situation that a parent fires at me that they are handling with a child.
I can pinpoint into one of the four skill sets that belong to those four basic skills. So how do
you fix your child's behavior? Well, you can't. They have to fix their own behavior. No parent can fix a
child's behavior but you can teach them the skills that they need to succeed. Before I get to my next
point subscribe to this channel. There are videos that come out every day and they are just as good
as this one sometimes even better, subscribe now. So now that we can identify some of the things
and where they fit. I know not all because I didn't go into all the detailed descriptions of accepting
consequences and disagreeing appropriately. But I have to touch on corrections. It's so important
that we correct the skills when they're not done correctly and that we give positive
feedback when they are done well. So, feedback is vital for a person to learn cause and effect
and when a person is learning self-government and trying to have a change of heart they have to have
an environment that teaches cause and effect. So, praise and corrections both teach cause and effect.
So when you praise your child do it specifically. Describe what they did really well. "You looked
right at me, you kept a calm face voice and body, you said okay then you did the instruction and you
checked back. You are really doing a good job of following instructions. That's a very mature skill
and you're getting better at self-government good job, high five." That's a really good descriptive praise.
We should be praising our children 6 to 10 times for every one time that we correct them.
When we correct our children we should be describing more what happened and what should be
happening. We should think of those corrective teaching moments more as teaching and less as
correcting. Now sure, we are going to teach cause and effect but we do want them to definitely
be able to experience the environment of being taught instead of being criticized chastised. We
don't want a condescending or belittling type of an environment to occur. If you are being emotional
with your child when you're correcting them. Then that will begin a power struggle and that is going
to make it. So that they have even more of a difficult time trying to control themselves.
So the way you feel about your corrections will make a difference in the way they feel about your
corrections too. in fact, I think it's always a good idea to deliberately discuss with your children
that you are not negatively affected by a correction. That you think it's a good and
productive thing and that you have no problem spending your time doing corrections for them
if it will help them to succeed and improve for their future. When I correct my children I describe.
I describe this is what happened, this is what should have happened. This is what you've earned.
Let's practice it the right way. That is the basic formula for doing a really great correction. But
what if they don't accept that correction, I know that can happen. I have another skill set for
helping them come back into calmness when they've chosen to go completely out of control too. You
can't fix your child's behavior problems but you can create an environment where it's like holding
up a mirror. They can see their behavior problems and they have to be held accountable to the laws
of cause and effect. You can be a good teacher. You can be patient as they are improving bit by bit at
mastering these skills. These four basic skills that I mentioned in this video are literally
life-changing for adults and children. I would like to share with you another life-changing concept.
The concept of the expectation trap versus the cycle for success. If you've enjoyed this video,
I'm pretty sure you'll like the next video called, The expectation trap versus the cycle for success.
This video is a class that I have prepared for everybody here on YouTube. So that they can have
better days and not trap themselves in emotional traps that are going to create problems for their
relationships and for their own personal success. So click on that link now and I'll see you there.