- You know, when it comes to birthdays,
like women, you guys really go out for your girls
when it's birthdays.
'Cause I know now, you guys do the WhatsApp group,
that's the kind of popular thing now when it's birthdays.
All get added into a group.
You see the title in the group, Chantelle's Big Birthday!
(audience laughs)
29 plus VAT.
Shut up man, you're 34 man, let it go, man.
(audience laughing)
See some numbers you don't know in this WhatsApp group.
+447253, who's that, who is that?
Then she tells you what's happening,
'cause I don't know if you noticed guys,
it's not just one day of birthday celebrations,
it's a whole weekend of birthday celebrations, yeah?
You know, the birthday girl will let everyone know,
big paragraph.
You know it's a big paragraph on WhatsApp
when it says read more.
Oh my gosh, you ever seen that bit?
You're like, read more, there's more.
She will tell you what's going on
on each day that's planned for you guys.
She'll tell you, "Hi ladies, it's that time of the year."
(audience laughing)
Fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji.
"So on Friday, I'm looking to attend a spa.
"Please put your deposits in by Thursday.
"Deposits are 279 pounds.
"If you don't wanna come just leave the group
"so I know who my real friends are".
Oh, that's it, that's it.
Can't even leave, you're stuck,
you're one of the chosen few.
You'll be so stressed you'll go out the group
to message one of your girls.
"Are you serious?
"I'm not paying 270 pound.
"Are you all right?
"What, for a spa?
"Are you a spa?
"No, no, no!"
This other girl won't even reply,
she'll just give, you know the eyes emoji, hmm.
(audience laughing)
(laughing) Hmm.
Then she'll let you know what's going on on Saturday.
"But ladies, it's all about Saturday.
"Please meet at my house for six, don't be late,
"brackets, Shaniece.
"She's always late you know.
"Then ladies, we can go to the club.
"Turn up, turn up, wash your pum pum and turn up!"
(audience laughing)
Then you'll meet up at her house,
the door goes (imitating doorbell).
"One sec, one sec, one sec.
"How's it going babes, you all right?"
(kissing sounds)
This is the friend she hasn't seen in years,
doesn't know what to say, it's kind of awkward.
She only, kind of, invited her because she needed to help
paint the table or something like that,
so she doesn't know what to say,
she's like, "Oh my gosh!
"How you doing babes, you all right?"
She gives her a fake compliment.
Girls, you always get sucked in by the fake compliment.
"Oh my gosh, how you doing?
"New shoes, you got new shoes."
Always get sucked in.
"Yeah, new shoes, guess where they're from?
"Guess where?
"Primark, five pounds, five pounds, five pounds."
Door goes again.
(imitating doorbell)
"Help yourself babes, help yourself."
(kissing noises)
"You all right babes, what's wrong?
"What's wrong?"
This is the girl in the group, she's always tired.
She's always gotta announce,
before the night starts, how tired she is.
"(yawning) Yeah, I'm all right, just tired."
She's just come from work.
"Yeah, I've just come from work, you know?
"Oh my gosh, yeah, it's been doing overtime."
She always exaggerates how much hours she's done at work.
"Yeah, I'm so tired, been doing overtime.
"Yeah, I've done about 275 hours already this week.
"So yeah, I don't really know if I'm on it tonight girls,
"I might leave early as well.
"I don't really know if I,
"could you turn the music down please?
"It's a little bit loud, can you turn it down?"
Then the one rude, feisty friend sees this negative energy
and she just tells people how it is.
"So why did you come then?
"Why are you here with your bad energy?
"Why did you come?"
Then there's the work friend.
She thinks this is a real argument.
"Guys, please don't fight, it's her birthday."
(audience laughing)
"Shut up man, who are you?
"No-one knows you!
"Who are you?"
"Okay, I'm sorry, do you want a drink or something?"
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
You girls are piss-takers as well,
'cause you don't even like this work friend.
You don't even know her and you don't even like her.
You'll talk about her as well.
"I don't even like her you know?
"She's so in my face."
She like, then she'll come in with a round of drinks.
"Hey, how you doing, you all right?"
(slurping noise)
"Thank you, aw, good to see you.
"Oh my days, your hair's changed."
Her hair ain't changed.
She ain't changed her hair in years, she's bald, she's bald.
(audience laughing)
Then the one friend, oh my God, last minute Lucy,
she's always last minute.
The cab is coming, the cab is coming.
She's got one fucking eyelash on.
Last minute Lucy,
"Guys, please, are you lot, you lot just...
"Are you lot just gonna leave me?
"Are you just gonna leave me
"when you can see I need to put my eyelash on?
"Are you serious?
"Do you know what?
"No one cares about me, just go, just go!"
Put your fucking eyelash on Lucy,
what the fuck's going on with you man?
Looking like a fucking butterfly,
put your eyelash on bruv.
But there's this bond that you ladies have, right,
where you always stick together.
In terms of making decisions, like group decisions,
you'll make those decisions there and then.
There's no "Hmm, I'm not too sure."
Like, you ever seen when girls get in the club,
the one leader.
This is the one leader, she'll go into club, she'll go
"Sorry, excuse me, sorry, how much is the cloakroom?
"Two pounds?
"Sorry, one second.
"I'm not paying no fucking two pounds.
"Sorry, I'm not paying two pounds."
All the girls there and then will confirm
that they're not paying two pounds as well.
"Yeah (jokey noises)."
None of these girls are paying two pounds, yeah?
You'll get the mother hen of the group,
she'll get everyone's coats.
"Give me those coats, give me those coats."
She'll take all the coats, yeah?
She'll find a spot on the dance floor.
"Excuse me, are you sitting here?
"All right, sorry, excuse me."
She'll drop all the coats on the dance floor, yeah?
And you guys will make a little pile,
you guys will dance around your little bags and coats,
you don't give a shit.
(audience laughing)
But the rule is we come together, we leave together, yeah?
It's the end of the night, yeah?
The pretty friend, she's by herself, yeah?
Now, the pretty friend is annoying.
Do you know why she's annoying?
Because she knows she's good looking
and she can never just take the compliment, you know?
Ladies, you know how it is, ladies.
You'll be like "Oh my days, you all right?
"Your hair looks so good, you know?
"Your hair looks so good."
"Oh, please don't tell me about my hair,
"it's so dry right now, please let it go."
Just take the compliment, man!
There's girl out here struggling with split ends man,
just take the fucking compliment bruv.
But she'll be there by herself and you know how it is.
You know, you've got one of these roadman vultures
outside the club just looking for their prey.
(laughing)
You ever seen these fake polite roadmen?
You ever seen these?
(audience laughing)
"Hello, hello."
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
He flashes the gold tooth a little bit.
(audience laughing)
"Sorry, excuse me, excuse me.
"Sorry, excuse me, excuse me."
But you see this guy, this guy has lyrics for days.
You've seen this guy.
This guy's got chat up lines for days.
This guy will be like "Oi listen, hear what I'm saying."
(chuckling)
"Yeah, you got a nice smile still."
(audience laughing)
"Yeah, yeah, nah, but you know that though,
"you know that still.
"You know them ones there fam, she knows that still,
"she knows that still."
(laughing)
"Yeah.
"Yeah, nah, you got a nice body as well by the way,
"you got a nice body still.
"Mm, mm, mm, mm.
"Yeah, yeah, nah, nah, but you know that too though,
"you know that too.
"You get me?
"She knows that too as well, cuz.
"She knows that too, you get me?
"So I'm gonna tell you something you don't know right now."
(audience laughing)
"072953578."
(laughing)
Look at some guys writing that down,
"Yeah, but you know that, you know that."