- Hey, everybody.
Today, I wanna answer a question
that I received on the podcast,
so here it is.
Hey, Kati, what if I'm the toxic one
in relationships and friendships?
I feel like I'm the person
that self-help posts always tell people
to cut out of their lives.
I keep being too much, acting needy,
and probably come across as jealous or clingy,
and even spot myself, subtly, overstepping boundaries.
I end up constantly asking for reassurance,
and I don't wanna be forgotten about or abandoned.
I notice I'm doing all this and pushing boundaries,
but I find it hard to stop,
and I feel awful that I keep doing it.
Am I just an awful person,
or could there be a reason that I'm doing this?
I don't have enough of the symptoms
for bpd for it to be that.
Is there a way to stop doing this,
before I end up pushing even more people I love away?
I keep thinking of ways to try to apologise,
but I'm scared it would just seem manipulative
and people that I love will disappear.
Thank you for your videos,
you've been getting me through lockdown
and the waiting list for cbt therapy.
And I wish this question didn't make me look
like such a bad person
in such a helpful and loving community.
So many of you wanted me to continue talking about this,
so let's get into it.
And in case
you needed the reminder, (bell gently chimes)
struggling in relationships doesn't make us bad people.
It just means we have some things that we need to work on.
And if I'm being honest,
we all have things we need to work on.
The difference really lies
in those of us who put in the effort to improve
and those of us who don't.
The first thing I wanna address
is that if we are somewhat aware
that we are the ones acting out
and upsetting those we are in relationships with,
that is half the battle.
So often I spend months and months
trying to get my patients to see
that their actions have consequences,
and what they said or did may be the reason
someone isn't wanting to talk to them or see them as often.
Therefore, if we already know
we act in ways that could upset others,
we can jump right into what we can do to improve it
so that it doesn't end any of our important relationships.
Oh, and I also wanna mention that many toxic relationships
are not caused by only one person in the relationship.
It could just be a bad recipe. You know what I mean?
There are some people
that just know how to get under our skin,
or we can't help but get angry
with this one person all the time. (grunts)
It could be that we just don't work well together,
and it's no fault of just one of you,
but the fact that we just don't go together,
and that's okay.
In order to improve our relationships,
we first have to identify the things that upset us
or reasons that we find ourselves acting out.
Like the person who asked this question mentioned,
it's her fear of being forgotten or abandoned
that leads her to ask for constant reassurance
which, in turn, pushes those she loves away.
This is very common.
And it's our responsibility
to find a way to soothe that urge, (exhales)
find ways to reassure ourselves,
like checking our facts about a situation or relationship,
or work with a therapist to heal past wounds
that have led to this intense fear.
Whatever is going on with us,
we have to take the time to figure it out.
That can take many sessions in therapy,
or possibly lots of journaling,
most likely, a bit of both,
but these will be instrumental in our healing
and in creating healthy relationships.
And just as a side note,
the only way we can improve our relationships
is to work on ourselves
because we can't make anyone be more kind, understanding,
or a better partner.
They have to want that.
All we can do is take responsibility for ourselves
and how we interact with those we love and care for.
And I know this is hard.
We can think that if they would just apologize
or stop doing that one thing
that it would all be better.
And while that may be the case,
we can't do anything to make them change.
One of the most common toxic traits
is thinking that other people can read our minds.
We've all done it.
When asked if we're upset or how we're doing, we look away,
say, "I'm fine," when we really aren't.
We hope that by showing, not saying, that we're upset,
they will get the idea and work to make us feel better.
That's passive-aggressive behavior
and very toxic in any relationship.
People cannot read our minds
or know what it is that we're upset about.
Sure, it could be a situation
where they did something clearly upsetting,
like forgot to pick us up at the airport,
or forgot our birthday, or something like that.
But, usually, those situations aren't common
and are quickly apologized for.
Most of our upsets or worries
are things we are going to have to communicate
with those we are in relationships with,
meaning that if we are upset our friend or family member
didn't invite us to that one event,
we are going to have to tell them.
We cannot expect them to know if we don't let them know,
which moves right into what I believe to be the key
to success in any relationship,
and that is overcommunication.
We all know that communication is important,
but time and time again,
I have my patients, and even my friends,
tell me that they just didn't wanna talk
about that particular thing,
or because they were upset, they didn't wanna talk about it.
The times when we aren't comfortable or are upset
are the times where we need to find a way
to clearly communicate what we're thinking and feeling.
It's easy to talk about regular life things,
like how work or school is going,
or how one of our mutual friends is doing,
and all that stuff.
But what's difficult, but necessary,
is talking through the hard stuff:
letting that friend or partner know
how we felt about something they did,
or speaking up when we feel we aren't being respected.
It's during those times that we have to stop,
consider how we're feeling,
and find a clear way to let those we love know about it.
If we don't, I honestly believe
that then we don't have a right to be angry with them
because we didn't even give them a chance to acknowledge
and possibly apologize for what happened.
And, yes, I know, I know,
some people are abusive or narcissistic,
and it was better for us to just cut them out of our lives,
but that's not always the case.
And if we find ourselves thinking
everyone around us is bad, disrespectful, or super toxic,
we may wanna take a minute
and consider our role in all of it
because the one common thread in all of it is us, you know?
Another indicator
that we may be the toxic person in a relationship
is if we constantly keep score,
meaning that we always know exactly
how much money we've spent, time we've given,
and favors we've done.
We will hold it over their head at any given time.
We can pull out our list,
let them know how much we sacrificed,
and that we expect the same from them.
This is toxic
because we aren't doing things for our loved ones
because it brings us joy or because we care.
We are doing it to show that we are better than them.
And the best way to overcome this
is to make the decision to help someone out
because we want to and it brings us joy
to be able to support and give to those we love.
Obviously, I don't enjoy picking anyone up from the airport
or helping a friend move,
but I'm really glad that I can support those I love
and be there for them when they need,
and I would do it in a heartbeat.
So notice if you're keeping track
of what you've done versus what they have done
and if it's affecting your relationship.
It could mean that you're the toxic one.
And, again, remember that it's not always one person
that makes a relationship toxic.
It could just be a bad recipe.
The other person could always be asking you for favors,
and you used to be happy to do them,
but they are never there for you when you need something,
and now you find yourself feeling resentful.
Well, then we have to let them know how we feel.
And if they don't change,
we can choose to leave that relationship.
The final area I want to cover
if we fear that we are the toxic person in the relationship
is compromise.
If we're unwilling to compromise with those we love,
that means that we are expecting them
to always bend to our needs and wants,
which, in turn, can communicate to them
that what they desire isn't as important as what we want.
In a healthy relationship, there will be give and take.
We're going to weigh certain situations
and decide if it's worth fighting for or not,
like how important is it that we get the brown sofa
instead of the blue one?
Or are we willing to spend the weekend with their friends
because we know it's important to them?
Even though we don't really enjoy their company that much.
Can we hear them out
and possibly give into a few of their wants?
Of course, we could hold firm
to some of the things that we need,
but there is always gonna have to be room for compromise.
So consider just how important
certain things or situations are
and be willing to give in a little bit.
Obviously, we can't be the only one to give in.
So if you feel like that's happening more and more,
again, we're gonna need to communicate that to them.
And if nothing changes, then we can decide
whether or not we wanna remain in the relationship.
Know that we have all been the toxic member
of a relationship
because we didn't communicate or compromise
or maybe we kept score.
It's okay, and it doesn't mean that we are bad people.
It just means we have some work to do. We have to speak up.
Talk about what's upsetting us
and apologize or compromise when needed.
If we're able to recognize our role
in a failed or struggling relationship,
and work to do better,
we can improve or save some of our valued connections.
I hope you found this video helpful.
Please leave any additional questions or comments below,
and I will see you next time.
Bye.
(lo-fi hip-hop music)