there's no truer expression of love than
a fancy wedding or at least that's what
I and my peers have convinced you for
financial reasons that will soon become
clear if they aren't already sorry are
we paying for this time long ago
marriage was strategic a way to legally
bind to families order increase one
family's land holdings today very few
issues can be settled by robbing your
children of their right to choose a
lover however people like me still
wanted to make money so we built in the
industry around the idea that you should
legally bind yourself to the person with
whom you most enjoy having sex or
failing that with whom you're most
comfortable or failing that anyone you
want for basically any reason including
immigration or tax concerns provided
it's not a family member you don't have
to of course but it would be weird and
kind of pathetic if you don't your
parents agree with us and anyway can you
really put a price on love yes love
costs on average thirty one thousand
five hundred dollars [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah
same question we should have given a
kosher option there's a wedding or an
informative short we honestly don't know
congratulations you've met the love of
your life what better way to celebrate
than by spending several paychecks on a
party for so many friends family members
and people you don't know but who your
parents insisted you invite that you
never speak with any of them for longer
than 15 seconds
Society has agreed that it would be
awkward if those in love didn't host a
cripplingly expensive event at which
your friends and family get to watch you
kiss and have a chance to object if they
want preferably after the meal in
exchange newlyweds receive money and/or
presence from a pre-approved list of
things you'll need to own to begin your
life as dual consumers it's your little
way of saying buy those bowls we want
friend from call
in reality your marriage is an open-air
market facilitating the barter of
appliances for booze and a meal but make
no mistake no one's making money here
except of course those of us in the
legal binding of people with vaguely
religious undertones industry example
you're gonna want music at your
reception or everyone will be mad and
even though an iPod plugged into a
speaker would be fine we've convinced
you that you need to spend over a
thousand dollars for a stranger to plug
in his iPod instead this is human DJ
Chazz he doesn't have a degree in
anything and he'll play that song that
orders the listeners to get louder than
softer then louder again and so on and
so forth in that fashion if you fail to
retain his services yours will be a
cursed Union these are pleasant smelling
remains of murdered plant life it costs
$2,000 and our garbage two hours after
you say I do I'd also like to remind
everyone that common wisdom states an
engagement ring should cost roughly two
months salary and let's not forget about
your maid of honor and best man we don't
profit much on that one outside of
charging them an outrageous amount to
rent an outfit worn by dozens of people
before really we just thought forcing
you into picking your favorite friend
would be a funny way to add stress to
your wedding day you literally have to
decide which of your friends is best
then make them write a speech even those
on my fourth time talking in front of a
group I'm gonna tell a wildly
inappropriate story about the girl it's
intensely private but Society has
obligated me to reveal it and what is
arguably the most important day of his
life in front of people who really are
gonna find it charming
but don't worry everyone and in a
choreographed dance thank you notes and
vows and you'll soon see your wedding as
that
expensive party that requires homework
and don't forget everyone knows you're
going to have sex afterwards they're all
fine with it there's no problem I'm just
pointing out that when anyone smiles at
you at your wedding they're thinking
they're going to [ __ ] later your grandma
knows she's lived a long full life you
think she doesn't know what happens on
your wedding night and therefore is
probably at least briefly imagine the
two of you [ __ ] newsflash she has
respect the elderly I'm Roger Horton and
with the power vested in me by the
internet I now pronounce you husband and
wife
[ __ ] you pay me hey thanks for watching
oh and if you have any of your own
wedding horror stories please share them
below we love them I'll read every
single word I'm Roger