I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, GUYS.
DECEMBER IS HALF VER.
WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT FEELS LIKE THE OTHER DAY, IT WAS THE FIRST.
WE DON'T DO ANYTHING, WE COME HERE, WE'RE TRAPPED
BUT TIME SEEMS TO BE GOING SO FAST?
REGGIE, WHAT EVEN IS "TIME?" >> Reggie: YOU KNOW, IT'S A
GOOD QUESTION.
IT'S REALLY THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I GUESS I'M
HERE.
>> James: YEAH.
ARE WE HERE, THOUGH?
>> Reggie: I DON'T THINK WE ARE.
I THINK WE'RE EXPERIENCING THIS FROM A VERY DISTANT PLACE, BUT
IT'S FUN.
>> James: DO YOU THINK THEN, GENUINELY, BECAUSE DO YOU
REMEMBER WHEN WE -- >> Reggie: YES, I REFERENCE
THIS ALL THE TIME.
>> James: WE WERE SAYING NONE OF THIS IS HERE, NONE OF THIS IS
REAL, WE'RE ALL LIVING A SIMULATION OF SOMETHING ELSE,
AND I NEVER FORGET, HE SAID TO US, HE SAID, ANTS IN AN ANT FARM
DON'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE IN AN ANT FARM.
THEY THINK THAT'S THE WORLD.
>> Reggie: YES.
>> James: AND I WAS, LIKE, SO HANG ON, IS IT A SIMULATION?
HE WAS, LIKE, THE CHANCES OF YOU BEING HERE AND ME BEING HERE AND
ANY OF THIS IS REAL OR THE FACT THAT YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT FREE
WILL IS ABSURD.
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: SO I ROBBED A BANK.
( LAUGHTER ) I DID.
I WENT STRAIGHT OUT.
I SAID, WELL, IF NONE OF THIS IS REAL, IT'S FINE.
ROBBED A W BANK, GOT AWAY WITH I $36,000 CASH.
>> Reggie: WOW.
>> James: TWO BAGS OKAY, OTHER OPENED, COVERED IN INK.
>> Reggie: OH.
>> James: AND I BOUGHT A LOT OF BITCOIN.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HEADLINES.
IT'S OFFICIAL, ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR IS RESIGNING.
BARR MET WITH THE PRESIDENT LAST NIGHT AND SAID HE WILL LEAVE
OFFICE NEXT WEEK.
MAYBE NOW HE'LL HAVE TIME TO FINALLY READ THAT MUELLER
REPORT.
LAUGHTER ) BILL BARR HAS RESIGNED AS
ATTORNEY GENERAL.
AS OPPOSED TO BEFORE, WHEN BARR WAS SIMPLY RESIGNED TO HIS FATE
OF DEFENDING EVERY STUPID THING DONALD TRUMP HAS EVER SAID.
I LOOKED AT IT -- BARR AND TRUMP, THEY COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN THAT CLOSE, OTHERWISE BARR WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
CORONAVIRUS.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT DIDN'T
GET COVID.
HE WAS NEVER IN THERE.
HIS RESIGNATION LETTER DIDN'T GO INTO MUCH DETAIL, BUT BARR DID
SAY HE PLANS TO SPEND MORE TIME BEING MISTAKEN FOR ELTON JOHN
WITH REGULAR GLASSES.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ANNOUNCED BARR'S
RESIGNATION ON TWITTER, WRITING "JUST HAD A VERY NICE MEETING
WITH ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A VERY GOOD ONE, HE HAS DONE AN
OUTSTANDING JOB!
BILL WILL BE LEAVING JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS
WITH HIS FAMILY."
OUR CONDOLENCES TO BILL BARR'S FAMILY AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, THAT'S A
PRETTY GLOWING REVIEW COMING FROM TRUMP, WHICH MEANS BARR
MUST HAVE SOME REALLY SORDID BLACKMAILABLE MATERIAL ON HIM.
>> Reggie: YES.
>> James: THE NEW INTERIM ATTORNEY GENERAL WILL BE JEFF
ROSEN, OR AS TRUMP CALLS HIM, "LESS-HOT
MIKE PENCE."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, LAST NIGHT JOE BIDEN
GAVE A SPEECH SHORTLY AFTER THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE CONFIRMED HIS
VICTORY, AND HE TOOK LOTS OF VEILED, AND NOT-SO-VEILED,
SWIPES AT PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>> IN AMERICA, POLITICIANS DON'T TAKE POWER.
PEOPLE GRANT POWER TO THEM.
THE FLAME OF DEMOCRACY WAS LIT IN THIS NATION A LONG TIME AGO,
AND WE NOW KNOW NOTHING, NOT EVEN A PANDEMIC OR AN ABUSE OF
POWER CAN EXTINGUISH THAT FLAME.
>> JAMES: I'M NOT SURE, BUT I FEEL LIKE HE WAS DIRECTING THAT
AT DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS WAS NICE, BIDEN'S TEAM,
THEY'VE ALREADY REPURPOSED THAT CLIP AS A WAY TO TRY TO APPEAL
TO YOUNG AMERICANS.
>> THE FLAME OF DEMOCRACY WAS LIT --
>> DAMN, SON!
WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?
♪ ♪
♪ >> James: LATER IN THE SAME
SPEECH, BIDEN EXPLAINED HOW TRUMP USED EVERY LEGAL RECOURSE
AVAILABLE TO HIM AND IT WAS STILL SHOT DOWN EACH TIME.
>> THEY WERE HARPED PI MORE THAN 80 JUDGES AND NO CAUSE WAS FOUND
TO REVERSE OR QUESTION OR DISPUTE THE RESULTS.
>> James: YEAH, SURE, IF YOU TRUST THE COURTS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
WHEN HE HEARD THIS, TRUMP IS LIKE, YEAH, I'VE USED EVERY
LEGAL RECOURSE AVAILABLE TO ME BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED ON
THE ILLEGAL RECOURSES YET, YOU WAIT.
I LIKE BIDEN STATING FACTS IS THE NEW ULTIMATE DISS.
HE LOST HIS LAWSUITS, NO VOTER FRAUD, THE EGGNOG IS, LET'S BE
HONEST, A LITTLE TOO RICH.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I LIKE A FIRED-UP BIDEN.
I LIKE WHEN HE JUST SPEAKS AND SAYS THIS.
I BET HE WALKED OFF STAGE, OPENED A SAC PRILL LA WITH
HIS',, CRUSHED THE CAN ON HIS HEAD, LET'S MOVE ON, LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEAN WHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP
STILL REFUSES TO CONCEDE.
ACCORDING TO ONE INSIDER, TRUMP HAS DECIDED THAT HE WILL AVOID
SAYING THAT HE LOST.
INSTEAD, TO SAVE FACE, HE'LL SAY HE "DIDN'T WIN."
MAN, THIS GUY HAS AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING.
EXCEPT HOW TO PROVE ELECTION FRAUD.
TRUMP THEN ADDED, AND IT'S NOT I WON'T BE PRESIDENT, IT'S JUST
I'LL STOP NOT NOT BEING PRESIDENT.
AND DID YOU SEE THIS?
EARLIER TODAY, THE F.D.A.
CONFIRMED THAT MODERNA'S COVID-19 VACCINE IS SAFE AND
EFFECTIVE, WHICH MEANS WE MAY HAVE TWO APPROVED VACCINES B
THE END OF THE WEEK.
INJECT THIS NEWS STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS.
REGGIE?
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: I'M GOING TO GET BOTH!
PFIZER, MODERNA, BANG!
LET'S GO!
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: PFIZER, MODERNA!
>> Reggie: TIME FOR A VAX-CATION.
>> James: ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT?
>> Reggie: I'M GOING TO MAX THE VAX.
>> James: YEAH, MAX THE VAX.
>> Reggie: YEAH ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: CHEERS, MAN.
>> Reggie: YEAH!
>> James: EVEN THOUGH THE F.D.A. HAS
CONFIRMED BOTH VACCINES ARE SAFE, I'M SURE IT WILL TAKE NO
TIME FOR PEOPLE TO PICK A FAVORITE.
"YOU HAD THE PFIZER?
NO WAY.
I DON'T TRUST THE PFIZER ONE BIT.
I'M ALL MODERNA.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT PFIZER AND MODERNA ARE LIKE
THE PS5 AND XBOX SERIES X OF THE VACCINE WORLD-- IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHICH ONE YOU WANT, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GETTING
EITHER UNTIL JUNE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS.
A WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA BOUGHT A PRE-MADE GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
IT ALREADY HAD A RESIDENT.
I LIKE MY GINGERBREAD TO HAVE A BITE BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH.
IT'S LIKE THE GOTH VERSION OF THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.
INSTEAD OF A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE THEY HAVE A SPIDER IN A
GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
MUST HAVE BEEN FRIGHTENING, BUT THEN THE AUSTRALIANS SAID STEVE
THE STOCKING SPIDER?
NO, THAT'S AN AUSTRALIAN CHRISTMAS ORIGINAL, MATE.
AND FINALLY, A FAMILY IN KANSAS IS WARNING OTHER PARENTS AFTER
THEY HID THEIR "ELF ON THE SHELF" DOLLS INSIDE THE OVEN
THEN FORGOT THEY WERE THERE, AND TURNED THE OVEN ON LATER IN THE
DAY.
HERE ARE THE DOLLS WHEN THEY WERE FIRST HIDDEN:
AND HERE THEY ARE AFTER THE OVEN WAS TURNED ON:
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, I HOPE DAD'S FROZEN
LASAGNA WAS WORTH IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT A TOTAL LOSS.
THEY'RE ALREADY MAKING A CHRISTMAS HORROR MOVIE ABOUT THE
WHOLE THING, "NIGHTMARE ON ELF STREET."