Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic is looking at rumination, three questions
around rumination. These questions have been asked particularly regarding narcissistic ex partners,
dysfunctional, abusive upbringings, and even former toxic friends and workplaces. In this
video, I'm going to look at what rumination is, why we ruminate and also look at some ideas to
maybe break that cycle to maybe help towards recovery. So if you like this video if you
find it interesting or helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel. As always just to
remind you this video is for information purposes only. So what is rumination? Well rumination is a
kind of obsessive thinking, it's thinking about the same thing or the same things over and over
again, but never really getting any further. Maybe you feel like you'll never recover from whatever
it was because you can't stop thinking about it. You're thinking about how badly you were treated,
being ostracised, being bullied, being manipulated and abused. That constant thinking, you could
be maybe replaying these events, replaying conversations over and over again. You may be even
rehearsing conversations, conversations you would like to have with that person or those people
where you finally get to say what it is you wanted to say. You could be thinking over the good times,
the good moments when things were great, wishing it could have been like that all the time, perhaps
wondering why it went wrong, where went wrong? Maybe blaming yourself for not seeing those red
flags, those warning signs of what was to come. We can even become obsessed with the fact that maybe
they seem to have moved on. Maybe they have a new partner or they got a promotion or whatever it is,
it's all over social media. They seem to be living their best life while you're still suffering.
Rumination over the same things again and again can often take us down many different
rabbit holes. So why do we ruminate? Well, our brains do not like things that don't make
sense. We like to see cause and effect, rhyme and reason. Whenever we're feeling really distressed,
we need to understand things that we just don't understand. We need to know things that we just
don't know. We need to know what to do whenever we don't know what to do. It's often why we go
over the same things again and again. Either trying to find a new piece of information or
a different perspective that's just going to make everything fall into place or to suddenly
an answer just spring out of nowhere, a solution that's going to take it away and fix it. And we
could be endlessly thinking about the right way to phrase something. How the situation is going to
arise where you have finally get to say something where the other person recognises, realises,
takes responsibility, that they were in the wrong. Maybe they feel some kind of regret. This kind of
thinking keeps us stuck. Something I've noticed in both professional and personal life as well,
the reasons, the most common reasons anyway, why we ruminate and go over things again and again,
can't get these things out of our head is whenever the pain and the distress has been
caused by things like cruelty, malice, unfairness, and neglect. And when the people who behaved like
that, treated us like that were the people we were supposed to feel safe with. The people that
we loved, the people that said they loved us, best friends, partners, parents, family members even.
Further compounded one either no one believes you or no one cares, or everyone seems to be siding
with the perpetrator. They go on to have a great life when you're left suffering. This can leave
people feeling dehumanised, devalued, isolated, invalidated and worthless. It doesn't make sense
and it isn't fair. So how do you stop rumination? Well, I'm not going to kid you, this is not easy.
This is not the push of a button or the flick of a switch. This takes time. This takes effort and
takes practise. It also can benefit from a little bit of support from others. First of all, you have
to make a conscious decision to stop it, to stop thinking about them. That doesn't mean they're not
going to pop into your head once in a while. But to recognise the thinking habits are obsessive,
they are consuming and they are unhealthy. It's giving yourself permission to move forward,
to focus a lot of energy on yourself on your own recovery. Sometimes it just means saying
to ourselves, something along the lines of, I am not going to allow that person or those people
to consume anymore of me, to waste anymore of my time, my resources, my energy. So you make that
choice, even though it's going to be difficult but recognise difficult is not the same as impossible.
Just because it takes time and you trip up once in a while and you might find yourself,f your mind
wandering, going in their direction, that's okay. You haven't failed. You're getting there a piece
at a time. Secondly, you stop giving yourself a hard time. You stop judging yourself harshly.
Every single one of us have made poor choices and wrong decisions. Many times in everybody's life we
have done things that were expedient as opposed to what was perhaps the best course of action. Yes,
in that relationship you may have suppressed a lot of your feelings, maybe kept your thoughts to
yourself, monitored your behaviour around them. You may even have sacrificed and compromised a
lot. You may even have kept the abuse secret. You may regret that, absolutely wish you d acted
differently. Every single one of us have felt like that. But just maybe what you did at that time,
maybe you thought it was the best course of action. It's what you thought might have made
things easier. That's what you thought might have made things better. I ll invite you to think about
something, if you are judging yourself harshly, if you're questioning yourself, blaming yourself.
Recognise you are judging yourself through the eyes of the person you are today with the
information that you have today with the knowledge and the wisdom that you have today, you might
not have had that back then. Hindsight only comes afterwards. Thirdly, find ways to ground yourself
and bring yourself back into the moment whenever you find your mind wandering. Now minds wander,
that's what they do. But when you recognise you re doing that gently find ways to bring
it back into the present, into the here and now. To help with that, you can maybe begin practising,
pepper your day with just little things, like, Right now I am whatever that happens to be. Right
now I'm brushing my teeth, right now I'm going to have a coffee. Whatever it is. Keep reminding
yourself what you're doing right here and right now. You can maybe take out a little further.
Right now I happen to think, right now I have the thought Recognise what it is, it is a thought. It
has no power other than one you give it. Now I'm not saying that thought s not important
because I don't have the right to say that only you can discern that. But you can decide whether
or not to engage with it, or to let it go. If you want, take a little bit further again, Right now
I happen to feel . Now whatever that happens to be. We will often say things like angry, anxious,
whatever. Try and go that little bit further. Right now I happen to feel uncertain. I happen to
feel a loss of control. I happen to feel excited, whatever it happens to be and the key term each
and every time is right now. It is in this moment, because when we're ruminating our mind is either
going back into the past, going over it again and again, or it's going into the future trying to pre
empt the worst case scenario. Finding little ways to bring yourself back into the moment. And then
just go back to doing whatever you were doing before it came into your head was. I remember an
old friend of mine once saying about thoughts, they re like birds. You can't stop them flying
over your head, they're going to fly no matter what you do. You don't necessarily have to allow
them to build a nest in your hair though. Now if you choose to think about it. See,
these things are going to come up from time to time anyway, but if you choose to think about it,
don't change what you're thinking, but change how you're thinking. Again, judging ourselves harshly,
we will ask questions like, why did I do this? Why didn't I do that? Watch wrong with them? Why
would they whatever? Ask maybe different questions about the same thing. Instead of, Why did I stay
so long? Ask yourself, How was I able to stay for so long? Perhaps I'm stronger than I think
when they were behaving like that, When were they behaving like that? You start to notice,
maybe it was because there were other, no one else around rather. Or perhaps they were the times when
you started to show any kind of autonomy. This is a way of gaining control over the thinking.
A lot of time on more ruminating we re chasing our imagination. You give yourself control over
how you're thinking about it. You also learn to be able to let it go, even if it's just
for the moment, even if it's just for the here and now, you can come back to it anytime you
want. After a while, maybe you won't want to, or recognise perhaps it's not that important. Next,
do the things that they led you to believe were selfish. Things that they didn't want you to
do. Go and learn that new skill, enrole in that course. Go and make new friends. Go and reconnect
with the old friends that they disapproved of. Start listening to the music that they didn't
want you to listen to because they didn't like it. Go and watch those movies they didn't want
you to watch because they told you they were crap. Little piece at a time you're starting to
get yourself back. A little piece at a time you re starting to undo the brain washing. Lastly,
seek out and utilise whatever support is available. Maybe support groups, maybe online
forums, perhaps counselling. Counselling is all about change. I often say this to my clients,
counselling is all about change. With a therapist you can explore what that
change might be and how to go about it. Either build or reconnect with the people in your life,
people that are good for you, good, healthy relationships. The people that appreciate
you and the people that bring out the best in you. So there are just some ideas that
might help with breaking that unhealthy cycle of ruminating thoughts. Now if you
have any experiences or suggestions of your own please by all means use the comment box
below. There are people reading that might benefit from your wisdom in your experience.
I hope there's something in this video you find helpful and until next time, thanks for watching.