I'm bored have you heard that from your tween? What to do when tweens are bored?
Why do kids get bored? -So, many reasons. You know, in our society, I think it's
mostly because kids are really used to being entertained. -Yeah. They only want to
do what's fun or what's easy. -And they're used to having people or organizations
structure their time for them. So, when they are left to their own devices,
sometimes they don't even know what to do with that. And as a play on those
words, "left to their own devices", I know that I have noticed for myself. I get
really antsy in just a matter of minutes and I pull out my phone and I scroll it.
We are so used to our device as entertaining us giving us something to think about so we
don't have to be alone with our own thoughts. And remember when you were 11, 12, 13,
14. Some of the thoughts you have aren't that comfortable to be left alone with.
-So, you want to distract yourself? -Sp, trying to figure out yourself. You're trying to figure out
the way people work and interact. And so, that's kind of a tricky time. And so, I
think a lot of the times kids get bored because they don't want to be left alone
to think. -You know, that is a really great point, Vicki. And one that we can
compassionately look at as parents, for example, our children have a thought
process that we don't. And I also think that that brings up for us the
importance of creating a family culture where we can be still and be quiet. I
know I've seen a lot of parents implement quiet time. Which I think is
brilliant. And it helps to train the kids how to behave at a time when
they're not in front of a device or things are not structured for them. What
are they going to do and can we help to train them to use that time a little
more appropriately? I think we probably can. -Yeah. -I remember working with a group
of kids once where we were talking about being bored
and what to do about it. The thing that we implemented... I love this. You had to
say this phrase after saying I'm bored. Here's the phrase: "And I take
responsibility for that." No. They didn't want to do it. But it was a way to drive
home the point. It's really easy when we're bored
to expect someone or something to come in and rescue me and make sure that I'm
not bored. -Right. -Like the responsibility is outside of me somewhere. So, when we
add that phrase "and I take responsibility for that", think about what
that changes for you. If you were to say, "I'm bored and I take responsibility for
that." Ooh, that stings a little. -Yeah. -It bites
but it empowers us too. Because if you take responsibility for it, what
changes in your brain? What changes in your mind when you add that wording to
it? -Right? That just kind of turns your brain
right on so that you can start to do this is something about the situation.
The contrast is "I'm bored. Shut her down." -Versus "I'm bored and I take
responsibility." So... -What are we going to do next? -Right. -What if we were to team up
with our kids on this boredom thing and offer collaboration instead of
instruction? I think default for parents is, "I'm
going to tell my kid how to handle this." -Well, first off. You could
go back to the way my mother handled it. I never told her I was bored because
that means "here's the chores to do." Did you have the same mom? -It trigger painful
memories for me too. And mom, she was dialed into something here. Because she
understood that if she could make it less pleasant for me to declare that I'm
bored as if I want somebody else to fix that, then I might start to solve my own
problem around that because she had a list. Now, I think lists are helpful.
-Oh, definitely. -And there's 2 that I have in mind. Are you tracking this as
well? Going back to this idea of collaboration versus instruction, what if
we were to offer as an intervention to sit down with our
child and come up with a list? We're going to brainstorm some things that you
can do when you're feeling bored. Let's come up with some ideas together. -Right.
And make an actual list. Because the physical list becomes a tool that that
child can turn to the next time they feel bored. -And this is a collaborative thing. This
isn't the chore list that my mom used to come up with.
-Now, that's the second one. We'll come back to that in just a minute. But the first list,
the collaboration list. Don't be too quick to suggest everything. -Right. -I
found that when you suggest things to kids what kind of response do you get? -I
feel like they almost never want to do what you suggest even a lot they might
have wanted to do it. As soon as you've suggested it for whatever reason, they
don't want to do it. -Hey, adults do this too. -I know. _I
sometimes suggest things to my clients that, "Well, the problem with that is..." Or
"The reason that won't work." Or "I've tried that." And it's... You're gonna get that same
thing from your kids. So, rather than doing that, just draw it out from them.
They might be like, "Well, I don't know. I don't know what I could do." Well, let's
see if we can think of some things together. -Right. And you know, we've talked
before in other videos about having a time where the family has family
councils or family conversations or one-on-one time. So,
you want to maybe make this list in this collaborative the effort during a time
when the child isn't feeling bored, right? -Good point.
-So, you may be at a different time. You're going to sit down. Make a list. And then when
the child is bored, I think this is a really important skill is to say, "Oh, yeah.
Remember that list we made. If you have to go back and check on that." And I think
one of the reasons that this is such an important skill is a lot of the times
even within school where kids will get to a point where they don't know what to
do. And they're just like, "Ahhh..." And you want to teach them the skill of go and...
-Go to their resource. -Go back to the resource, resources and see right I was
supposed to do. -Independently without being instructed by mom to do it. -So, I'm
not going to tell you what to do or what was on the list. I'm going to encourage you
to go look at the list that we made. -Or simply allow them to make a choice of
which list we're going to go to. Now, let's go to the second list because we
mentioned it but get into it. You as a parent get to make
list number 2. And here's how you think about it. "What would I appreciate having
an 11-year old servant do for me?" This is where my mom taught me this, right?
Because anytime I was bored, she had a list of a half a dozen things
that she would love to have me do for her. And so, the chores or little
jobs around the house or things that mom thought were really exciting and
interesting. But I as an 11 year old boy was not so interested in all that. You
make your own list. And the power of this. So, go back to the
example. Your child comes to you and says, "I'm bored." We've already done the work of
creating 2 lists. -Okay. -And so, you can simply say, "Oh, you're bored." And now
there's 2 ways we can handle this. It could be you just smile.
"Oh, you're bored." And then you give a smile like, "Oh, that's good news." Right? Now,
when mom's smiling kids are thinking. -Mm-hmm.
Or which list would you like to go to? The one we created of things you want to
do we're the ones we created that I want you to do? -I'm good with either one. This
encourages them to think it through a little bit. As we like to say study the
situation. -Well... We remember we went back to I'm bored and I take responsibility
for it. So, really helping them take the responsibility. You could suggest that
they go to their list but they would probably resist that. So, I love the
opportunity of just giving them a choice. Which list would you like to go to? -You know,
that is one of those the best tools I've ever used as a mom, as a therapist, as a
teacher --is giving a choice for whatever reason even when you kind of know
there's really only one choice. And it's their list. When you offer 2 choices, it
kind of puts the child into this feeling like, "Oh..." -It empowers them.
-Yes. They feel empowered. And they usually will take responsibility for
their choice rather than something that was handed to them. -That's what gives
them more control over the situation. And ultimately that's what they want. -Right.
-Even though they're deferring that when they say I'm bored. So, we're bringing
that responsibility back home and empowering them to actually do it. -We
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