♪ Intro Music ♪
All of you have heard the statements 'I'm tired of all the drama'
and 'Hear she is a Drama Queen ...'
Drama is the word we use
when we want to invalidate an emotional experience.
Or, an extreme reaction, to, an emotional experience
because the onlooker feels
as if it is
unnecessary, uncalled-for or an over-reaction.
As I said in the previous 'Ask Teal' episode,
drama is a word that originally meant 'to act'.
This is why the word made its debut
in the world of performance art and theater.
As it relates to emotional life,
Drama is a state, situation or series of events
involving intense conflict.
Put these two things together
and you have the definition of a person who is 'dramatic'.
A person who is dramatic
is a person who acts as if
they are in a state of intense conflict.
Why do they act as if they are in a state of intense conflict?
Because they *are* in a state of intense conflict.
No one over-reacts.
There has never been a person ,
in the history of this Universe,
or a Being,
that has ever 'over'-reacted.
We always act in perfect accordance
with the reality that we ourselves are perceiving.
It just so happens that the reality *we* are perceiving
is not necessarily the reality other people are perceiving.
When it applies to the human emotional-experience
there is no such thing as drama.
For example:
There is a perception that a person
who is dramatic or who is being a drama-queen
is either over-reacting, or is acting,
for the sake of attention -
much like a performer on stage.
If this is the case,
and they are over-acting for the sake of attention,
they are in a state of extreme conflict
because, deep-down,
they feel desperate for attention.
Deep-down they feel unseen, unheard and unloved.
Deep-down they distrust and dislike themselves
and so there is no inner peace
and so, deep down,
they are screaming for other people
to save them from themselves
So the question must be asked -
Are they really over-reacting?
Or, are they playing out their perception
of being unloved, unheard, uncared-about,
on the world?"
If you invalidate other people's feelings
by telling them they are being dramatic,
*you* have learned, over the course of your life,
to invalidate your own feelings.
You impose this expectation on others as a result of it.
Even though you wish you didn't feel how you really feel,
it is time to admit to how you truly feel
and to not be ashamed of how you really feel.
Feeling deep levels of shame
for feeling the way you feel
is the real reason that you want to deny
and invalidate the way you feel.
It is also what is causing you to
invalidate how other people feel
by making the judgment that they are dramatic.
If you have a resistance to drama,
it is crucial to remind yourself
that no one over-reacts - including you.
You always act in perfect accordance
with the reality that you are perceiving.
But now, let's go deeper.
Let's call Drama the never-ending,
up & down roller coaster of our own emotions.
We can't seem to get off of this
up & down roller coaster
because we are stuck on the surface of things,
we are not diving deeper.
We are not seeing that the surface events
which cause the conflict in our lives
are not just triggers -
they are messengers -
that are enabling us to be conscious of something
that is buried and suppressed
deeply within us.
When we want to feel better
we try to change the surface circumstances of our experience:
We end the relationship ...
we move to a different city ...
We put ourselves on the diet ...
We sign up to a gym ...
We take a medication.
But by doing this, and *only* this,
(by looking for, and taking a physical action to feel better)
we can never escape the original conflict for long.
It simply resurfaces
in the new relationship ...
in the new city ...
regardless of how our diet changes ...
or how much we exercise ...
or what medication we take.
We perpetuate drama in our lives
if the changes that we make
change the surface symptom
of our problems
instead of the deep causation
of our pain.
For example:
Let's say I'm over-weight.
Emotionally, I feel terrible.
The fatness I'm experiencing is a physical effect of the problem.
It is, in essence, a surface symptom of the problem
which is much deeper.
If I dive deeper into myself and my pain,
I will find that I feel a deep sense of shame,
and that as a child,
I could never live up to the demands of other people.
So my body tried to protect itself
by walling itself off to the demands of others
by putting on fat.
If I changed my perception
surrounding the demands of others,
and begin to develop self-esteem,
there will be no need for the fat anymore
and I, will begin, to lose fat.
Then, I may feel inspired
to get a gym membership or eat better
but those changes will be inspired from a shift
that was made on a much deeper level.
However, if I simply started going to the gym
and put myself on a diet from the get-go,
without being aware of, and integrating,
the blocked-emotion of Shame -
there would be no end to the internal conflict
causing the fatness in myself.
There would be no end to the drama in my life.
I would be trying to change
the physical surface effect of my problem
instead of impacting the causality of the problem.
Long-story short, we must dive deeper into ourselves.
So how does somebody dive deeper?
We dive deeper by recognizing 'triggers'.
A trigger is a reminder of a past trauma.
It is called a trigger because like a trigger on a weapon,
once it is pulled
(i.e. shows up in your Reality)
it sets off an instantaneous and immediate emotional response
within the body,
and we call this response an Emotional Charge.
We witness triggers causing these charged emotional states
quite often in conjunction with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
You've all heard of it -
This is the example of the post-war veteran who returns home,
and when the 4th of July fireworks go off,
he is freaking out and jumping under the table in his house
because he's convinced that he's back
in that traumatic memory.
The traumatic memory resurfaces.
He is back in the line of fire.
But what you don't understand
is it does not take Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder ,
(especially diagnosed PTSD)
in order to have triggers.
In fact, all people
on the surface of this Earth,
have triggers.
To understand a more common expression of these triggers
Let's look at a common-life example:
A woman gets into a new relationship.
Everything is going great.
The relationship is full of promise.
Until one day,
her partner decides to go see his friends after work, at the bar,
instead of checking in with her,
and prioritizing seeing her in his off-time.
Upon discovering that he has prioritized his friends over her,
she feels instantly overwhelmed
with feelings of anger and powerlessness.
She feels neglected and worthless.
She doubts the relationship and lashes out verbally, at him.
The event itself was a trigger
for a deep unhealed grief within her.
At face value, it would seem like she over-reacted.
In fact, it would seem like she was a drama-queen.
This is exactly what her partner thinks that she is.
Her partner thinks that she has over-reacted.
And now, he is doubting the relationship as well.
If she was to recognize the extreme emotional charge
as evidence of a trigger
and used the trigger of the event
to dive deeper within herself,
she would have discovered that the reaction to the event
was a surface symptom
of her deeper unresolved trauma and unintegrated grief.
If she would've used the trigger to dive deep
she would've discovered
that she felt neglected and worthless
when her father would prioritize everything else over her
when she was a child.
She would discover that he was disconnected from her
and that this disconnection
and perceived lack of love that she felt from her father
was the deep wound within her.
It was, in fact, the thing that caused her
to feel worthless and powerless, in the first place.
The level of reactivity that she demonstrated with her boyfriend
was not a reaction to him -
it was a reaction to her father.
You will recognize a trigger in this way:
Triggers always give rise to uncomfortable emotion,
to extreme emotion.
They will make you want to react,
either to attack or defend yourself.
When we experience a trigger
we will feel instantly powerless
and so sad and so full of grief
that we can't hold back the tears.
Or else, we might feel so instantly enraged
that we wanna smash something or kill someone.
Drama - meaning an intense state of internal conflict -
is, in essence, a reactive progression.
It is designed to get other people
to give us the attention
that we cannot give ourselves.
We can end drama in our lives
by using our triggers as flags
to dive deeper within ourselves
to find the root of our emotional reactions.
We can use them to dive deep
to find our buried, unresolved and unintegrated grief.
Once we find the causality of our emotional conflict
we can adjust that.
In fact, finding the causality of our conflict changes it.
Think of it like digging up a buried corpse.
Just ask an archaeologist -
similarly to exposing a buried corpse to air,
exposing your buried grief to the air of Awareness
changes it forever.
The surface behaviors, appearances and circumstances
of our lives
will automatically shift
as a result of adjusting the causality
of our buried emotional pain.
This leads to permanent relief and change
instead of temporary relief, and temporary change.
I'm not saying that we should stop
taking any kind of physical action whatsoever.
I'm saying that taking any kind of physical action
before we have used the trigger to
dive emotionally deep within ourselves
and to change the causality of our grief or reaction -
we have solved nothing
That trigger will continue to contain its 'charge'
and that previous, original circumstance,
which caused the trauma,
will continue to reflect itself into our experience.
We will re-experience it
and re-experience it and re-experience it
until we are willing to see that red flag
and use that to dive deeper within ourselves.
Step #1 is to recognize our triggers as 'triggers'.
Naming them as such, changes them.
It makes it so that you have stepped back
from that emotional reaction
and you are now observing your reaction
instead of living it.
Step #2 is to recognize the messengers.
The messengers are the surface events
which cause that extreme, uncomfortable,
reaction within you.
Those things are not things that are happening to you -
they are not new, they are reflections.
They are messengers of that deep unresolved wound within you.
So instead of shooting the messengers,
recognize them and name them as such.
In a previous episode titled "The Feeling Body"
I explained a Process which you can take
in order to reintegrate
these suppressed, traumatic, memories
in order to reintegrate your emotions.
This is the very same process we have to use
when we are dealing with a trigger.
So, if you can, go back and watch that video.
But for those of you who already have, I'll give you a refresher:
Step #1, when we are triggered,
we need to sit with that emotion.
We do not need to escape it.
We do not need to change it.
Don't go get your cigarette ...
Don't go try to make yourself feel better ...
Don't get someone else to try to make you feel better.
Sit, and be completely present,
with the way that that emotion feels -
with the sensation ...
Breathing in and out,
I want you to remind yourself, and your emotions,
as if speaking to them:
"I am completely here with you now."
Then you have to ask yourself three questions.
The first question - "How do I feel?"
Name the feelings and emotions and sensations within you.
Allow yourself to feel the aspects of your experience
that you've long since suppressed.
Two - ask yourself "When did I last experience "
"this exact same feeling?"
Let yourself visualize that experience fully
so that the emotional state becomes very real.
Let your subconscious offer up the answer to you,
in the form of an emotion, a feeling,
a sensation or/and images.
Three - "When did I first experience "
"the same feeling in my life?"
Let yourself go all the way back.
In reality, you're *not* going all the way back -
you're inviting the Past to become a part of the Present.
You're allowing the Past to reintegrate with the Now.
Even if what you see and what you sense
makes no sense whatsoever,
take note of the images you see,
and the feelings,
and the smells and the sensations
within your body.
Why do you think you're feeling what you're feeling?
What is the circumstance?
Yet again, you need to be patient with this Process.
There is no wrong way to do this Process.
And your emotional integration process
will occur organically on its own.
If you cognitively understand
why you're feeling the way you're feeling, suddenly,
it's because you were meant to have that cognitive understanding
for your emotional development.
If you don't get that 'insight'
it's because you were simply meant to reintegrate an emotion -
most likely, an emotion that occurred before you had
your capacity for cognitive reasoning
(that's before age 8).
You were solely in a Feeling-Experience of the world
instead of a Mental-Experience of the world.
That's OK -
feeling those feelings is enough to integrate them, completely.
>From the point that you're taken back into that memory
where you experienced the original trauma,
if you feel like you want to
(and that it's 'correct' for you),
you can alter the original experience -
keeping in mind that even witnessing,
even observing or feeling, that experience,
reintegrates it.
But if we want,
we can take a step further to make it better.
The Adult Self can help the Child Self.
We can remedy the situation.
We can observe the memory
and then mentally alter that memory
in way that feels emotionally positive.
This is what they call Inner-Child Work.
Some of you may blow this practice off
because you feel as if
spending time in this 'non-tangible' reality
doesn't do any good
because it doesn't really enact change.
This could not be farther from the truth.
Everything in your life
is a by-product, an effect,
of the causality of your childhood trauma.
Going back into your experience
and changing the root of that trauma
changes all of the branches that are coming off of that trauma.
If you go back, enough,
and do this kind of process
you're the kind of person who will stop smoking one day -
not because you did anything to stop smoking itself,
but because you reintegrated
some suppressed and non-integrated emotion
that was actually causing your desire
to smoke in the first place.
The circumstances of your life will change,
without exception, on their own,
as a result of altering the cause
of those circumstances
(which is *always* past trauma).
This process allows us
to take our attention off of the messenger
of the *current* event in our life
that's causing us to feel upset.
It takes us
to a place where we're able to remove our consciousness
from the trigger,
and instead of reacting to that trigger -
to be in a space of Response,
where we're capable of using the trigger
as a red flag to dive deeper within ourselves,
to recognize the unresolved grief
and emotional issues within us
that are imprints which exist in us, still.
Once we do this,
that blocked-emotion is able to reintegrate with our Being.
This is deep emotional healing
because it is reintegration.
And so,
the most important thing we can do in our lives
is to stop acting as if anything is 'drama'
and to treat Drama like it really is -
which is a trigger, asking us ... to dive deeper.
Have a good week ...
♪ Outtro Music ♪
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