When the warlord Oda Nobunaga 織田 信長 started the bloody unification of Japan,
he did what all men dreamed of.
He claimed his place in humanity’s history book forever
so that he could end up in a video in this YouTube channel.
Congratulations, Nobunaga, you made it.
This video is made alongside some others from my friends at The Shogunate and Cool History Bros,
so don’t forget to check out their channels too after the video.
When you’re as infamous as Nobunaga, people tend to weave stories and legends about you.
I’ve gathered a few stories about our boi here for you.
These were tales of the great Nobunaga told around the dinner table of families who were
probably being invaded by him.
Now sometimes these tales include real events, but they’re just stories.
Don’t take them literally.
That’d be like learning about King Arthur’s quest for the Holy Grail and thinking that
the Holy Hand Grenade existed.
Nobunaga was destined for greatness even as a child.
Proof? Here’s an anecdote.
Young Nobu-chan studied at a temple with 50 other children.
Every year, the thing he loved most and looked forward to like a guinea pig looks forward
to the sweet release of death, was playing a stone throwing game with his peers.
Every year, his mother would send him gifts like calligraphy brushes, ink, and paper,
you know the usual children’s toys.
He also got rice and coins.
Instead of enjoying his gifts like a normal spoiled kid, he gave them out to the boys
who did well in the stone throwing battlefield,
like a rich spoiled kid. Nobu-chan saved none for himself.
The monks who saw this said to each other, “This kid will become a great lord someday.”
As a young man, people called Nobunaga the Fool of Owari Province.
His father-in-law was this man named Saitō Dōsan 斎藤 道三.
When Nobunaga was around 19, Dōsan invited him to come have a cup of tea at a temple,
which was code for I want to see if you’re really a stupid.
When the day came, Nobunaga marched down the street with hundreds of men
who carried deadly rifles and virile 21-foot spears.
Nobunaga himself wore a crazy colorful outfit and an uneducated demeanor,
making onlookers whisper and laugh.
Dōsan hid in a little house watching the whole scene.
It was so over-the-top that Dōsan expected a genie to come out and start singing.
As he snuck back to the temple, he concluded, “Yep, I gave my daughter to a crazy person.
Excellent, he’s not a threat.”
But when Nobunaga entered the temple, everything changed.
He did the old Superman trick and walked behind a screen.
He walked in as Nobunaga the Rebel, and walked out as Nobunaga the Man of Steel Balls,
wearing formal clothing and an air of superiority.
He marched through the halls like a future unifier of Japan, ignoring everyone.
Dōsan even walked up to him and still Nobunaga daydreamed.
Only when someone said, “Hey this is Lord Dōsan”
did Nobunaga go, “Oh oh sorry I didn’t know.”
The meeting went smoothly.
Nobunaga’s manners and boldness struck Dōsan in the confidence.
That day, Dōsan learned the lesson that you can’t judge a scroll by its patterns.
When Nobunaga left, even Dōsan’s guards felt deflated because their flaccid short
spears couldn’t compare to the stiff 21-foot spears of Nobunaga’s men.
Dōsan had tears in his eyes as he told an advisor that one day,
even his sons would kneel at Nobunaga’s feet.
Early in his career, Nobunaga was a brat.
He was talented and ambitious, but he wore flashy clothes and had zero manners.
He was one of those kids who stepped out of class for smoke breaks,
in elementary school.
At 16, Nobunaga’s father died.
He stomped into the funeral in front of everyone like an emo Godzilla
and flipped over the offering table, then stomped out.
It was the general consensus of the crowd that his actions were quite impolite.
Among the crowd was a man named Hirate Masahide 平手 政秀.
Masahide had been Nobunaga’s close mentor since childhood.
He was furious.
Nobunaga was out of control and would be the end of the Oda clan.
After years of failing to restrain the boy, Masahide had one last arrow in his persuasion quiver.
He wrote Nobunaga a letter basically saying, “Shape up, young man,”
and signed it with a ritual suicide.
Yep, the old parenting technique called death.
Nothing says “I love you” more than saying “I’m going to kill myself.”
It worked.
Nobunaga locked himself in a room to mourn.
From then on, the Fool of Owari became a military genius,
vowing to use his future success to cleanse his wrongs.
Nobunaga was a cunning fox.
Although Saitō Dōsan was his father-in-law, he was also Nobunaga’s potential enemy.
Nobunaga would have to deal with Dōsan if he wanted to expand his territory.
He had a plan.
One night, while his wife was asleep, Nobunaga snuck out and only returned right before dawn.
The crazy man kept this up for a month. His wife got suspicious.
There’s only one reason your husband would leave in the middle of the night.
He’s watching TV shows that you’re supposed to be watching together--no.
“Tell me the truth,” she said.
“I’m not jealous, you just need to be truthful.
Are you seeing another woman?”
“Of course not!
I have a secret I must keep from you, but it is not a woman,” he reassured her,
which only inflamed her suspicions.
After another month of this torture, his wife demanded answers.
Nobunaga relented and spilled his secret.
He explained that he had been exchanging letters with two of her father’s elders.
Her father is Dōsan, remember.
The elders told him that they would betray and assassinate Dōsan,
then light a signal fire at night to let him know to invade.
For 2 months, he had been watching the horizon at night for a signal.
But he warned his wife not to tell anyone.
His wife was shocked.
The revelation hit her as hard as skanks hit on her husband, but she promised to keep it
secret, then sent her father a letter telling him everything.
Dōsan threw a fit and executed the two traitors.
And that was how Nobunaga got rid of his father-in-law’s two powerful allies,
and gained a trip to a marriage counselor.
So that was a story about Nobunaga being smart.
Here’s one about him being ruthless, having no ruths at all, no Babe Ruth,
no Ruth Bader Ginsburg, no ruths whatsoever.
There was a famous monk who traveled from village to village preaching to anyone who would listen.
He said he had a holy power, and that anyone who learned this power would avoid all hardships
in this life and the next.
People threw endless bags of rice and money at his feet, which he ignored.
He only stayed at a village for a few days before continuing his journey.
When the monk arrived in town, Nobunaga demanded that the monk come see him for questioning.
“Where were you born?” Nobunaga asked.
“Nowhere,” the monk said mysteriously.
“I come from neither Heaven nor Earth nor the void.”
Nobunaga disrespectfully disagreed.
“Humans cannot exist outside of Heaven or Earth. Are you a monster?
Here, let me test you.”
Then he had a guard heat up a branding iron and branded the monk’s face.
The monk screamed as the smugness left his body.
“I am from Mount Haguro in Dewa Province,” he admitted.
“You claim to have a holy power,” said Nobunaga. “Show me.”
The monk quivered.
Nobunaga then went on a whole rant about how degenerate monks like him made people blindly
put their hopes in Buddhas and gods instead of helping themselves,
made people believe in foolish dreams.
At the end, he said, “How about I kill you and you can show me how you revive using your holy power.”
Then he executed the monk.
And that was how Nobunaga abused a monk.
Hey guys, with Samurai Warriors 5 releasing, the Cool History Bros channel made a timeline
of what happened in the lives of the 3 unifiers: Nobunaga, Hideyoshi, and Ieyasu.
And The Shogunate did a review of the gameplay.
So get to clicking and check out their videos.
Also give them a sub because their channels are awesome.
Okay we have 2 new Emperor patrons on Patreon: Dominique Nicole, and Orion Otter.
Thank you so much.
We also have regular patrons
Steffi,
Haraesh Jayaraman,
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and Shelby Andrews.
Alright I love you, and spread the knowledge.