People
- You know, people would say "Save your money."
You know, when you're young, you don't wanna hear that.
They'd say, "Save your money for a rainy day."
I'd say, "Shit, it's raining today.
"I'm about to go get me a Ferrari, shit."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazz music) (timer ticking)
(bell dinging)
(graphics whooshing)
- I came home early from the road.
I had a $12,000 suit on, 'cause life's been going good.
(audience laughing)
And I got home early and dinner was cooking.
You ever come home when dinner's cooking,
doesn't that smell good?
And my son saw me and he was like, "Dad's home!"
And he got up from the table and ran over to give me a hug,
but he had chicken grease all over his face.
So I stiff-armed him like, "Yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man!
(audience laughing)
"Watch these threads, Son, this is an expensive suit.
"I don't want you to get to the chicken grease all over me."
And he was like, "What the, chicken grease?
"Dad, this is duck."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
A tear came outta my eyes.
(audience laughing)
I never dreamt I'd do so well in life
that I'd raise a nigga with duck grease all over his face!
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
- My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date.
Took her to a dinner party.
I'm not a name dropper,
but this joke doesn't make sense unless I drop the name.
I went to Seinfeld's house for a dinner party.
Some of the best food I've ever had.
Food was fuckin' amazing, man.
At the end of the dinner party Seinfeld came walking out,
he was like, "Nobody go anywhere.
(audience laughing)
"You guys are in for a treat.
"Tonight we're gonna have some brick oven pizza."
Everybody went crazy in the party.
"What, oh my god, brick oven pizza!
"What?"
(audience laughing)
One lady was like, "How many cheeses, Jerry?"
(audience laughing)
Jerry's like, "Seven different cheeses,
seven different cheeses."
(audience laughing)
People went crazy.
By the way, all these people were white.
These are all fuckin' white people.
They start chanting, "BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP."
The fuck is BOP, man?
"BOP, BOP, BOP."
What the fuck is BOP?
White woman leaned over the table,
she was like, "It's short for brick oven pizza."
(audience laughing) Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, okay, I get it.
Seinfeld had some Italian men walk out.
They had pizza-like garb on.
They start passing out the pizza saying Italian shit.
(Kevin speaking gibberish)
(audience laughing)
I don't know Italian.
(Kevin speaking gibberish)
(audience laughing)
It just dawned on me, actually, as I told that joke,
what I'm doing is racist right now.
I apologize. (audience laughing)
(Kevin speaking gibberish)
People were eating the fuckin' pizza going crazy.
"Oh, my God, I taste the cheeses, Jerry!
(audience laughing)
"I taste the cheeses!"
They brought me my piece of pizza, I took a bite,
I couldn't fuckin' believe it!
Best pizza I've ever had in my life.
Best fuckin' pizza I've ever had!
Had some type a lettuce on it.
I've never tasted this shit.
Told my wife, "Babe, it's got some type a lettuce on it.
Wait till you taste the lettuce."
This white woman, she leaned over again,
she was like, "It's arugula!"
(audience laughing) What?
"It's arugula!"
Oh, shit.
I took another bite, I got caught up.
"BOP, BOP, BOP!
(audience laughing)
"BOP, BOP!"
- Gettin' money now, that fuckin' feels good.
Man, oh, my God.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Oh, my God.
Like, going from broke to having shit
is so exciting, you know.
I started Ubering everywhere.
Woo! (audience laughing)
Feeling like a goddamn prince.
I don't give a fuck. (audience laughing)
I don't care if I'm getting
out the back of a Kia Sophia, nigga, I'm a king!
(audience laughing)
Step out like Eddie Murphy in "Coming to America",
stepping on rose petals and shit.
(audience laughing)
But I got fucked up.
I got broke for a week and I had to Uber Pool.
(audience laughing)
I was broke for a week,
'cause when you first start gettin' money
you fuck it up immediately,
you don't know what you're doing.
So I was broke for a whole week, and I had to Uber Pool.
Oh, my God, it was terrible.
Because when I first started Ubering,
I was so excited 'cause I was like,
I'm not broke no more, I'm off the bus,
I'm not with these broke bus niggas, you know.
(audience laughing) I'm free!
And then I had to Uber Pool, and I was like,
damn, this just a little ass bus.
(audience laughing)
This just a bus where niggas are closer
to you than they would be (audience laughing)
on the actual bus.
This is garbage! (chuckles)
Sucks, man, they'd be in the back eating and shit,
having full conversations.
You try to turn your whole body to the window
so you don't make eye contact.
(audience laughing)
I figured out how to beat Uber Pool, though, man.
Way you beat Uber Pool is you ride in the front.
It's the way to defeat that shit
because then you don't feel as low,
because then it's like we picking niggas up.
(audience laughing)
Then you just riding with your homie,
pulling up on niggas, like, hey, cuz, get in.
(audience laughing)
- Honesty is a motherfucker, you gotta start being honest.
I'm gonna let you know I've had some miraculous
moments in my life just from being honest.
Why?
'Cause you never know what another motherfucker's into
until you being honest with 'em, right?
It brings out the extraordinariness in you, definitely.
One day I got a speeding ticket from this cop,
finer than a motherfucker.
She gave me the ticket, I'm like, "Damn.".
She was like, "What's wrong?"
I was like, "I wish I could get out this ticket."
And she was like, "Well, what you talking about?"
(audience laughing) And I was like, "Well, uh."
(audience laughing)
Now, I was about to crack a joke
and be on some old goofy shit,
but my mind was like, you already got the ticket,
you ain't got nothing else to lose,
you might as well be honest.
I was like, "Well, I was thinking maybe
I can take you to dinner,
and then go eat your pussy all night, I don't know.
(audience laughing)
I don't know. (laughs)
I don't know, just a suggestion, I don't know." (laughs)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Guess what she said, "Follow me."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
And I was like, "Thank you, Jesus!"
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Oh, that was all God's glory on that one.
(audience laughing)
Not only did I get some ass, but I saved money.
(audience laughing)
- I like to sit in the shower.
And so. (audience laughing)
It's tough, it's tough.
I do recommend it, don't look like that.
Sitting in the shower is perfect.
Sitting in the shower is great for when it's like
you want to be clean,
but you want to rest.
Do you know what I mean? (audience laughing)
I love it.
I just sit down, I mean, 'cause I don't wanna stew,
you know, like a bath, I don't like that stewing.
So you just sit down, you relax,
and then you just have this water falling
on you just sort of.
And it feels like you're in a '90s R&B video.
(audience laughing) And that's beautiful.
That's romantic.
That's romantic just for yourself.
- I can't compete with these otherworldly
wheatgrass-infused bitches, okay?
'Cause I'm not an otherworldly wheatgrass-infused bitch!
I'm just
banter and ass, okay?
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Yeah, I'm banter and ass.
And I try and change myself, you know,
like exercise and stuff,
and you know, work out and get healthy.
And I try and exercise and work out and get healthy,
but I can't because I'm perfect!
(audience cheering) Okay?
I can't do that shit 'cause I'm fucking perfect!
I can't, I'm perfect!
Fucking perfect!
When I put on weight, I put on weight in my stomach,
so much so that if you go to Google
and type in, "Is London Hughes",
the first thing that comes up is 'pregnant', okay.
My mom showed me, that fucking bitch, right?
(audience laughing) That is the truth.
And I put on weight in my stomach area.
Some people call this a food baby.
I don't call it a food baby, I call this a wealth gut.
This is a wealth gut! (audience cheering)
This means you can afford brunch.
(audience applauding)
Okay, it's a wealth gut.
Henry VIII had one, I'm fine, okay!
It's a wealth gut, ceviche, taco Tuesday.
- The City of Angels, I love every moment, man.
I'm enjoying myself.
I just got back from vacation, so I'm having a great time.
You know when you got that vacation swag,
you know, when you still got that thing, you know.
You still feel loose, you feel relaxed.
I went to Bali on vacation, yeah,
(audience cheering) out in Indonesia.
Yeah, if you've never been, make a plan and get out there.
It's an amazing place.
I went out with some of my friends,
learned a few things about myself as a person.
Most important thing I learnt is somebody needs
to invent a TripAdvisor specifically for Black people.
(audience laughing) All right?
No, because just generally I find
that what white people wanna do on vacation
is what Black people are trying to escape.
(audience laughing)
And not in a bad way,
it's just like we want different things
out of life, you know.
Like my white friends are always inviting me camping,
for instance, always, like with enthusiasm.
They'll be like, "Trevor, you wanna go camping, dude?"
I'm like, "Why?"
(audience laughing) Why?
He's like, "Dude, what do you mean, 'why'?
It's amazing, you're kidding me.
It's like no water, no electricity, you know?
It's just like us in the great outdoors.
You gotta like take a dump like in the hole
in the floor or something, dude."
I'm like, yeah, that was my life.
(audience laughing)
That was me growing up.
You know how hard I worked to never go camping again!
(audience laughing)
Every day!
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Every day I wake up in my bed and I'm like,
"Thank God I'm not camping!"
(audience laughing)
- Whatever you guys want, I want that for you.
I wish for whatever you want, okay?
We don't do that enough.
And I really want whatever you want.
I don't really have any wishes or wants anymore,
like not with this current administration, let's be honest.
(audience laughing)
But I do have one teeny, tiny wish
that I wanna speak into fruition.
I really want Meghan Markle to let herself go.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
Do it, girl!
You did it!
You did the whole thing!
Like wear your hair curly,
wear a blousy t-shirt, wear a healed sneaker.
Get wild, Meghan!
(audience laughing)
Get wild and comfortable.
But I secretly and selfishly want
Meghan Markle to let herself go,
so I could play her in "The Crown".
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Oh, my God, I'd be so good at it!
Are you serious?
(audience laughing)
I'd make "The Crown" so fuckin' edgy.
Oh, my god, I'd be in a corner of Buckingham Palace
gettin' my hair braided,
(audience laughing)
sucking on a chicken bone,
(audience laughing)
pouring frosé on someone's titties,
(audience laughing)
being like, "I'm a queen too, bitch, and what?"
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Ooh, I'd make "The Crown" so edgy.
I want a sex scene with Harry.
I would suck his ginger dick.
(audience laughing) I would suck
his ginger dick now, I would!
(audience cheering)
I would!
You'd suck it too, bitch, don't act like you wouldn't!
(audience laughing) I would suck that ginger dick.
The episode would be called Ginger Snap.
I thought about it.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) She thought about it.
People
- You know, people would say, "Save your money."
You know, when you're young, you don't wanna hear that.
They'd say, "Save your money for a rainy day."
I said, "Shit, it's raining today,
"I'm about to go get me a Ferrari, shit.
(audience laughing)
"I'm about to go have some fun!"
I was doing crazy stuff, y'all, I was doing crazy stuff.
I bought two houses right next door to each other.
Just crazy. (audience laughing)
I was my own next door neighbor.
It was crazy as hell. (audience laughing)
I was borrowing stuff from myself and shit.
Hey, man, you got some sugar we can borrow?
You know I got some sugar we can borrow.
What you talkin' about? (audience laughing)
You me and I'm you, man, go on up there and get it!
I mean, you ain't gotta talk to me like that.
Damn, dude. (audience laughing)
I ain't wanna be rude, I was gonna ask you, damn.
Gonna act like that long as I've been knowing you, shit.
(audience laughing)
Crazy, man.
I'm cutting back though now.
I'm saving my money, I'm smart.
Getting smart with my money.
I ain't doing that and buying no
all these houses no more.
(audience applauding) Smart.
Me, Toni Braxton and Jermaine Dupri
getting an apartment together.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
And Terrell Owens is moving in, too, with us.
(audience laughing)
- So I was on this flight once and I was wearing
a nameplate necklace, says my name Nicole.
It's only six letters long, but it takes up my whole chest.
(audience laughing)
My best friend had it made for me in Brooklyn.
And the jeweler was like,
"Are you sure you want it that big?"
She said, "Yes. (audience laughing)
I have a very tacky friend."
(audience laughing)
So I was wearing this necklace on a flight,
and the flight attendant comes over and says,
"Oh, well you must be Nicole."
And I said, "Yeah, my necklace."
He goes, "Yeah, but I also recognize you from Girl Code.
"I think you're very funny."
And it is always so nice when someone says
they like your work and they think you're funny,
'cause half the time you're like,
I don't know if anybody likes me or thinks I'm funny,
and according to Reddit, they don't.
(audience laughing)
So the flight attendant says to me, "Do you want a drink?"
I said, "Yes, please.
May I have a vodka soda?"
And he said, "I got you, I got you, I got you."
I was like, then go get it.
(audience laughing)
What are we doing?
So he goes and he brings me three
of those little airplane bottles
of vodka and a splash of soda.
And I said, "Game on."
(audience laughing)
So I drink that.
He comes back around, he says, "Do you want another?"
And I said, "Yes, please."
(audience laughing)
So he brings three more, no soda.
And I said, "We're doing it."
(audience laughing)
So I drink that.
He comes back around, he says, "Do you want another?"
And I said, "I don't know how to say no."
(audience laughing)
So he brings me three more.
(audience groaning)
If you nice people are counting along,
that is nine of those airplane bottles of vodka
on a four and a half hour red eye.
(audience laughing) (audience groaning)
Everyone is sleeping, and I'm the drunkest I've ever been.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
I was sitting in my seat, and I was like,
what if I roll around in the aisle?
(audience laughing)
Imagine I got up to lay down to roll in the aisle.
(audience laughing)
What would that call to ground control be?
We gotta land this plane,
this big Black bitch won't sit down.
(audience laughing)
But then I was like, I know what I will do,
I will not roll in the aisle,
I will watch "Back to the Future".
(audience laughing)
So I watched "Back to the Future"
like I had never seen it before.
(audience laughing)
I was knee slapping and tee hee hee-ing.
(audience laughing)
I was three inches from the monitor.
(audience laughing)
I was like, Marty and Doc's age difference is pretty wild.
(audience laughing)
And is Lorraine ever okay? (laughs)
And then we land at JFK,
and it's 7:00 AM and Shake Shack is open.
(audience laughing)
So I say out loud to no one,
"Jesus loves his little baby!"
(audience laughing)
(mellow electronic music)